Life in the bubble

life lessons...

2008-07-15T20:20:00.004-04:00

D2 is learning a lot about high school athletics. being in the bubble for so long let her believe that all is fair in sports, that all kids make the team and they all play an equal amount. She also believed that since her high school is small - she wouldn't have to work hard to make the team.

Then there was the real world - outside the bubble.

Soccer practice - after being away for three weeks...

Conditioning is hard work. You work so hard you feel like you are going to throw up... You want to quit. The coach isn't going to engage you to get you moving - you have to do that yourself.

Hopefully she knows - if she works hard and tries hard - and has a good attitude - it will pay off.

I took her to practice last night - she learned her lessons - by living it. We chatted on the way home.

Today, she gave it her all and walked off the field with a smile on her face.

That's my girl. I was so proud of her!

home again, home again...

2008-07-07T18:27:00.003-04:00

D1 and D2 are home again. they flew in today - i had to leave a meeting to go get them. they were starved. we stopped at panera and got a bite to eat. D2 was in the garage, i went and put my arms around her and she started to cry. she wanted to stay with me - not go to her dad's house. i told her that was fine - and let her cry some more. she needs me - i know they all do - but she really is in that time of her life where she needs her mom. that makes me happy. i don't want her to be sad - but i have been feeling a bit low about the girls all going to school 45 minutes away. so many people say, "how do you do it?" i just say i do what is best for the girls. it is hard - i don't know if it is right - but i will never make them feel they are in the middle of something between their dad and me.

TBW and i had a wonderful weekend. we got a lot of furniture brought in and rearranged from my mom's house. she feels a part of us now. the house looks wonderful. we went to a cookout on the 4th - were able to see the fireworks from our back yard - with our arms wrapped around each other - it was awesome. we had some friends over on the 5th - more good times. on sunday - we just went to the pool.

we watched the bucket list this weekend. it was predictable but it was good. got us to thinking about what would be on our list. then we were talking - would it be different if we knew we were dying? what would we do? TBW said she would just like to live by the beach. i don't know...
i need to think about it. What is on your list?

Vacation Happenings...

2008-06-30T17:06:00.001-04:00

We are home from our trip south. It was an emotional time – in many ways. We started out on the 10 hour drive around 4:30 Friday afternoon. The drive was pretty uneventful. TBW was able to secure the last available hotel in Greensboro over the phone and the couple in the lobby was peeved to say the least – since she walked in after they were in line… They had to take the smoking room. Yuck I say. Yeah for us.

We got to my sister’s house around 2:30 in the afternoon. We chatted for a while and then my sister and I went to my Mom’s house to get prepared for the upcoming days. We cried and held each other – and just missed her. You see things laying around that you just put places as you are doing things – never knowing you aren’t going to come back to them. Things with her writing on it, when her writing – a telltale sign of her growing weakness - was getting very illegible during the last weeks. We went through the rooms – pointed out the things we each wanted. Looked through a couple of things – took a deep breath and went back to the house.

Played some corn hole, drank some beer and had pizza on the porch. Enjoyed the company of each other and the kids coming in and out to visit throughout the evening. They didn’t give us much of their time – but what they did was good.

Sunday, it was time to pack up. We started with her medicine. We gathered three bags of it to take to the pharmacist to get rid of. How she kept track of it I’ll never know. Most, she wrote in a little calendar – it was weird to see when the writing stopped. We talked about how she swore someone was trying to kill her. That someone was her caretaker – and she was trying to get her to take her medicine. She even said she only wanted bottled water at one point. It makes me sad to think of being that scared. We got a lot packed. A lot of memories. TBW did the hardest job and that was to sort through her clothes and bag them up. D3 helped her – D1 and D2 couldn’t do it. Not sure if that was laziness or grief… I’ll assume the latter. Sunday night we had a family dinner at the Mexican place. Believe it or not – no margaritas were had… Sunday night, as TBW read in the bedroom. D2 watched TV near me – and I sorted through piles of paperwork. When I looked up it was after midnight. I was drained.

Monday, we continued on with the packing. The relo cubes came around 3. What a way to go – I would recommend them over uhaul any day! They dropped them right in the driveway – easy access and easy load and pickup. We stopped around 4 and had dinner at my sister’s. Steak on the grill. They eat their meals differently. They just grab and growl and the TV was up so loud I thought I was the grandma in the situation. My sister just looked like – sorry… That evening, we came back to my Mom’s early. D2 and I did some hanging and TBW was on her second book. It was relaxing.

Tuesday, The sis and I headed to the SCBMV… What a well run place. They have some ladies in the middle of the place – where you go to explain what you need – she gives you the proper paperwork (of which I already had printed out – thank you very much) and tells you after you go fill it out – come back and they give you a number. Your number is then called and you go to the window they tell you. No waiting in lines for hours like here – only to realize you are missing something or it can’t be done. Very impressed. We now own a 1992 olds 98 and a mobile home! Whoot whoot. We laughed on the way out – because no one asked to even see a death certificate or will… Now, try to cancel the telephone and you need all those papers and a piece of her scalp! The kids had called – they wanted to go to the Hard Rock park – we said they could if they all went and no whining or fighting. They lasted until 4:00… Of course, it was time to load the pods. No kids, no husband – just the mighty three women. Bring it on!!! We did it all in 2 hours. You go girls. We bungee’d everything we could. Hopefully not much will shift during the ride J. D2, TBW and I went to dinner and the others ate at home. We met them at my nephew’s baseball game. They won in extra innings. Good game. We were tired!

Weds morning, we headed to the beach. If my beer intake over the next three days wasn’t so much – I am sure the sweating I did packing the cubes and car would have made me a little lighter. I guess we’ll worry about that later gator! We pulled in because they told us to come early and enjoy the pool. Got to the pool – ka boom – thunder… Back to the garage where our cars were. The kids laid on their beach towels, listened to ipods and played DS. Sis and I had a couple beers while sitting in our chairs. TBW held fort at the front desk… Hoping to get them moving along. Our room was wonderful – two bedrooms – one for the adults – one for the kids. Dinner at the Japanese steakhouse. I’ll have to tell that funny story in another post. D2 definitely doesn’t know when she is being flirted with…

Thursday morning was sunny. We headed to the pool. The kids came down as they woke up… The last one straggling in around noon. We floated in the lazy river… Drank a lot of beer… and swam in the pool. The kids had pizza and went to play putt putt… the adults went to drunkin jack’s. We did just that. TBW was the driver – she is a gem – as always. The Bloody Mary’s were great.

Friday we spent at the beach. Eventually the pool… Didn’t want the week to end. We went for burgers for dinner and could have used more down time before the drive home.

All in all – it could have been a lot more stressful than what it was. D1 and D2 are staying another week. We are back at work. That is the way life rolls.

where does the time go?

2008-06-20T11:48:00.003-04:00

school is out... sports have died down - except for the high school activities - which the girls can drive to themselves... we have been so busy.

TBW and D3 and I will be driving to SC today and tomorrow. D2 and D1 flew yesterday - no hitches - on their own. another new milestone. we will be cleaning my mom's house for a couple of days, the relo cubes will be picked up and then we will head to the beach - for some relaxing time.

my mom's death won't hit me until we reach her home, enter and she isn't there. packing up her things that meant the world to her - yet we don't know what to do with - is sad. it will hit me then - like a ton of bricks.

D2 graduated 8th grade at the bubble school. she was very upset and sentimental at the end of the ceremony. after she cried for a while - i told her - don't worry those girls who were biotches a few days ago will show their true colors again in fall - so it is all good. going from big fish to small fish is new for her.

D1 finished the year with great grades, a new found independence with driving and going as she pleases. just waiting for the drinking and first real relationship to take hold. it scares me.

D3 is still 10 going on 17. she is the most responsible and the most willing to just hang with mom.

TBW and I have gotten back some nights alone while the girls are at their dad's house. that is nice too. we need that time.

our neighbor and friend moved 15 minutes away - we miss her.

the only other gay couple we know are splitting up...

time is changing. as always. there is always hope in tomorrow - and joy in today.
especially when the beach is involved...

ready to leave the bubble

2008-05-27T19:08:00.003-04:00

D2 was off to kings island today with her class. she is getting near the end of the school year like everyone else and she is ready to bust out of the bubble. she said her friends are already treating her badly because she isn't going to bubble high. people! she said she is done... i don't blame her...

we have been so busy lately... just like everyone else. we took D3 to kentucky to the newport aquarium this weekend - we all had a great time. she bought a chapter book and read it on the in-between times... made me think back to the books i used to read. she doesn't have any interest in them. one of my favorites was, are you there god, it's me margaret? and then eventually forever... they were so good. she isn't even into the ramona books. if it doesn't have to do with sponge bob - it isn't cool.

TBW's daughter got a puppy named luigi... she got a mountain bike and she wants to "do" triathalons. yeah - me too. ha ha.

we have hads kidlets around quite a bit lately - at least the weather is warming up and there is activity in the bubble. who knew?

frustrated...

2008-05-14T20:55:00.002-04:00

our main computer has been on the fritz for months on end... i had it up and running put in a new dvd burner and it wasn't working again... the cable came apart - could it be that simple? HA HA - no way!!! BUT TBW says it can... We will see who is right - I hope she is!

then there is the ongoing saga of getting my mom's accounts in order and getting the ability to access them. i really think that most places i am dealing with never have anyone die. i think they have had customers forever!

the electric company wanted to charge me $30 to put the bill in my name so i could pay her bill. she currently has it deducted from her checking account. the account that i am trying to close - so i wanted to make sure it got paid. but they wanted to charge me - i told them to send me the bill! they could do that! why don't they do that in the first place.

the bank told me i needed: power of attorney - i told them that was for when she was alive. then it was a certified death certificate - i could bring it in - there are no branches in this state. i could fax it - i told her then it wouldn't be certified... now i need to take the will to the probate court, get a form signed by the judge - and then we can access the dough. it is all a pain...

i am making a cheat sheet of all that needs to be done - so my kids never have to go through all this - of course it will all change by then.

got the bills from both funeral homes... i think the ocean is a good place for me...

could the gas prices get any higher? i guess they will... when are the big wigs gonna regulate that? it is definately frustrating!!!!

life is changing

2008-05-12T21:22:00.002-04:00

as i have often said - life is changing - i guess if it wasn't - we wouldn't really be living. we have our neighbor and her daughter living here for a week or so while their new condo is being updated.

we are finalizing our plans for going to myrtle beach to finalize all of my mom's things... of which there are many. i need to write a cheat list so that if and when someone else close dies - i can remember all the stuff. ways to avoid probate, taxes, saving for this, filing that - freezing accounts, paying accounts - it goes on and on...

tbw's daughter has decided to stay in denver and not move to nyc with mr. perfect. she got a puppy named luigi. she is moving with one of her roommates - trying to find another place. she is somewhat uncertain about her life right now - as it is changing...

D2 is getting ready to graduate 8th grade. to go to a new high school - one where none of her friends are going. new changes for her - she is excited about that. D1 is looking for her first real job for the summer.

it is all a whirl wind... it is all good... well if it isn't at first - it somehow turns that way! especially with TBW at your side! enjoy your changes!

would you? could you?

2008-05-09T17:32:00.002-04:00

tbw and i watch grey's every thursday. we dvr it and then watch it straight through. the week before last they dangled the chance that there could be a girl/girl relationship between callie and hahn. then last night, they had a guy with a brain tumor, inoperable of course, yet they wanted to try a new proceedure on him. he was in the military, served his duty, his dad was there, in the military too, and of course his commander was there too. in walks a "buddy" - who you could tell right away was more of than a buddy. they showed them kissing - but then the dad walked in - and he said that there was a "don't ask, don't tell" policy and he pushed his partner away.

made me wonder... first of all - i wouldn't want tbw to ever leave my side. second - why is it still that way? - we just aren't that deviant... will society ever accept us? it was sad. he died. they didn't get to say good bye to each other... we have come a long way - but we still have a long way to go. what would you do? what if your other's family didn't accept you? that would be hard.
would you? could you? all i know is that i would want her with me 24/7 - in my bed, next to me - forever and always.

round the corner

2008-05-04T20:53:00.003-04:00

we had a good week and tbw gave me the best birthday as always. she bought me a cake and ice cream and we had some of the neighbors over. she got me an angel charm for my bracelet, the perfume i ran out of, and a cool new watch... she is the best...

the girls were here this weekend. they are fighting colds. we met friends for dinner and had good times. watched soccer in the pouring rain, and the sunshine today! we watched juno and 27 dresses - we liked them both...

the neighbor is rennovating her new place. we are stripping the wallpaper... it needs a lot of work - i hope she is making the right move - it is just going to take a lot of work... and $$$...

gotta start that video soon... yikes! back to work tomorrow - it is just around the corner...

bubble school

2008-04-29T17:03:00.002-04:00

The bubble school is letting another 5 teachers go this year. All under the pretense that these teachers wanted to leave. not so much. one has been there for 11 years. they have been on her for a couple years. she finally decided to sign the paper. the paper TBW wouldn't sign.
the spanish teacher - gone. the spanish they had once a week isn't needed anymore since they have already gotten "blue ribbon" certification. the one teacher, i am stunned lasted as long as she did. i would say she is a "sister" but i could be wrong... don't think so though. the parents don't get it. are lied to... but how one principal can ruin the lives of people who have been dedicated to these kids is beyond me. not to mention which she is definately a "sister" - although i don't think i want her classified with me. times have changed. it is a bubble which will one day burst. oozing its yuck all over the town. can't wait until we are finished there... one more month!!!

i won't even get into this video i am doing for the 8th grade graduation... it is another post and another mess. the virgin cindy, (the vice principal) is spouting orders on what i can and can't do... one more month!!!

you're early... you're late...

2008-04-27T21:08:00.001-04:00

well, i don't know which i am. you see with D2, she swears up and down every time we go to a game or practice that we are always late. late. late late! then today on the way to practice, she says, "Oh no, we are five minutes early again." Teenaged logic my friends. Don't try to understand it. Don't try to joke about it. Don't try to be logical. Don't just tell it like it is. Just accept the fact that you are:

wrong,
late,
early,
weird,
ridiculous,
mis-understood,
stupid,
not funny,
and did i mention...
wrong!

i have wanted to call my mom many times during the past week. it is hard. i know it will get harder.

work tomorrow... yuck. don't like that alarm at 5:30 a.m.

gone

2008-04-22T19:11:00.002-04:00

Well, my Mom passed away the night I left. We all knew she would. It didn't really hit me until this week, when I would go to call her each night after work. I can't say enough nice things about the folks I work with - they gave me six paid days off and supported me. My rock as always, is and was, TBW.

We made it through the wake, the funeral service, the luncheon after. All of my family welcomed her - they didn't ask questions, we didn't put up a billboard - they just accepted us. I have lots of stories to tell - but that will be another day.

My sister and her family were in for almost a week. We had a house full - but it made the time fly by quickly. We still have to clean out her house... pay her bills... settle her finances... She is still with me. It feels like my support is gone. I get support from others, but there is a safe feeling you get only from your Mom.

We received a beautiful card from one of her dear friends - the saying inside is awesome. I am going to print it out for each of our kids. Death of someone you were close to gives you pause to take stock in your life and how you treat others. A simple smile, a warm hello - we need to give to each other. There is no one to credit for the poem - just Gibson cards...

A Mother's Love is Forever...

As children, we can't comprehend or fully realize -
The meaning of our mother's love,
how tender and how wise.
The patience and forgiveness
that are a part of every day.
The unexpected "little things"
she does in her own way.
Years go by before we can look back on life and see.
Through older eyes and wiser hearts
her love and loyalty.
And yet it's these and other special things
we all hold so dear.
For memories of her steadfast love will keep her ever near...

missing mom

2008-04-11T08:15:00.003-04:00

i spent the weekend with my mom. she was bed-ridden, and not doing very well. i am so grateful for the time we shared together. i think she was too. she told me stories, some were real and some made me giggle at the thought of them - because they could never happen. D1 asked me if she was crazy - i told her it was like she was dreaming out loud and combining things from her life. she had her martini on saturday, part of a beer on sunday and she died early in the morning tuesday. leaving her monday night was very hard, but something i knew i had to do for her to let go.

it was worth the effort it took to get me there. financially, emotionally and physically. i will go into more detail about my trip later.

take the time to let those around you that are close know how special they are. i talked to my mom almost every day on the phone - even if it was to say "i love you" and "gotta go". i miss her.

random happenings

2008-04-03T19:22:00.002-04:00

Emmett - one of our beloved doggies, went to the opthamologist the other day. He has no optical nerve and no retinas. He is blind. He won't get better. It is sad. But he loves us and now sits and lies right near us. That is cute.

We got our carpets cleaned today. Along with the chair and the couch - they look awesome. We are please - it is like we just bought the place.

Since the carpets were still wet and the furniture was in the kitchen - we used that as an excuse to go out for dinner. We are stuffed. TBW has her pants undone for some relief - that too makes me happy.

We both get to wear jeans tomorrow to work. Need I say more?

I got a couple good books at the library today. Why don't they stock some good lesbian stories? They might not go over too well in the bubble. TBW and I would like them.

My Mom had a good day. No complaints.

It is time to cuddle in and watch survivor... It is all good...

Just Waiting...

2008-03-31T17:48:00.003-04:00

Well, we seem to be in waiting mode.

Waiting to get my discount on my phone that we just bought...

Waiting for TBW to qualify for a new phone...

Waiting for D1 to be decent to TBW...

Waiting for TBW to finish tutoring so we can start dinner...

Waiting for the dogs to settle down...

Waiting for my Mom to quit suffering...

My Mom is still facing her battle. Where as I am not ready to let her go, I don't want her to suffer any more. I can barely understand her now on the phone. The first question I ask her each day was usually, "How are you feeling today?" No need to ask that. Then I would ask, "What is for dinner?" Another mute question. I was up most of last night thinking about different things.

When she goes, I won't have a parent living. Someone I have always depended on. Someone who was there for me when I needed her. What does she feel? I know she is in pain. She doesn't know what day it is. She can't eat. She can't have her famous martinis. She can't even go to her front porch and say her prayers.

What does she think about? My sister says she has been talking to my Grandma. Wonder if she really sees her and is talking to her? Does she remember her life? Her struggles? Her successes? Her first boyfriend? First kiss? Her Mom and Dad? Her Grandparents?

Is she scared? You can't stop it, you have no control over it. Is she really proud of me - or was she just trying to get along?

Does she have regrets? Does she think about them? What would she do differently if she could do it all again?

Why is it people come to the funeral home, yet none of those people (well most of them anyways) never visited her in her house. Why don't we socialize any more? We all know life is limited - yet we live it like it is endless. Then we get to the end, we wish we would have done things differently.

She probably feels that way about her smoking. If she would have quit 10 years earlier - she probably would still be in her "nest" (that is what she calls her favorite chair) drinking her martinis. But we all put things off - whatever it is - weight loss, an apology, drinking, smoking, our outlook, etc.

I guess it is time to quit waiting so much. Tomorrow might not come. Make the changes today. At least begin now. What have you go to loose?

calmed down

2008-03-28T20:55:00.002-04:00

tbw sure does keep me in line - she is the best. it is friday and i am glad.
we have the girls tonight - we went to isabelle's birthday dinner and are waiting to go to the movies.

tomorrow is date night...

the work week is over. tbw's badgers are getting beat - only 8 minutes left... the dogs are rolling and rolling. my mom didn't feel well today. she just talked to me weakly - i wish i could make her feel better...

tomorrow is date night...

frustrated

2008-03-27T21:36:00.002-04:00

our computer upstairs has been a nightmare... i know better than to have not made a boot recovery disc (cause we can't actually ship the cd in with the computer when it is new) and i knew better than to not back up my pictures to CD BEFORE the CD drive crapped out. I also knew that my hard drive could go at any time.

1 new cd/dvd burner drive $65
1 new hard drive $58
1 external drive for back ups $109
1 virus protection software $35
1 boot recovery disc $28

bend over baby.

back up your files, photos and essentials
make your boot recovery disk

just do it!

The bigot is back

2008-03-25T18:39:00.002-04:00

I have been reading a lot of blog entries or articles lately about acceptance. Most of them discuss the acceptance from "society". Whereas that is a worry in our life - our acceptance issues stem more at the home front - so to speak. The only people that I care about accepting us are our children. TBW's children are fine with us - it probably helps that they are grown, but nevertheless, they have always accepted us and that is great. Two out of three of my girls accept us, the third - not so much. The reasons for this are many, and I have talked about them before. Our society, the church, family and most of all, the X.

My Mom, as I have written before, accepts TBW and I. She has her own theories on us, but the bottom line is - she has accepted us. Last Saturday, she went into the hospital, or the ER, and they said she was in the beginning stages of kidney failure. That, along with her COPD, make treatment not an option. The X, took the girls south for the Easter holiday, and he was going to stop to see my Mom on the way home. That is a whole other blog - it didn't make me happy, for obvious reasons and because I wanted to take them, but the new job, lack of $$ made it impossible right now.

My sister lives near my Mom. She has been stressed lately with caring for my Mom. She has 24 hour help living with her - but my Mom always calls on my sister. Last night, after her martinis, my Mom sat D1 down next to her and told her that she should give TBW a chance, because she did and she likes her. That was the gist. Of course she said it with the X sitting in the same room. Now he is "happily" remarried, you think he could do what is best for the girls - accept and not be a bigot.

After their visit, they all went to my sister's to spend the night. (Yeah I know the X going there is weird - that is a good counseling session in itself!) The X sat down with my sister and her husband, and told them what my Mom had said. She could tell what was coming next and before he could get the words out, she stopped him and said, "You know what, my Mom has accepted my sister. Maybe it was for her, but the reason doesn't matter, she was able to do what was best, and that is all that matters." My sister rocks. Too bad it is wasted on the X - he'll just blabber it to the wife and probably his Mom. But, she did what she could.

The sad part is, he doesn't realize how he hurts the girls by being so bigoted. He, like many others focus on some kind of degenerate lifestyle that we must lead, rather than a beautiful relationship full of love. A relationship with its ups and downs, but full of joy. He doesn't now, or will he ever, realize that his actions, words and expressions express his bigotry to the girls. That this hurts them, it confuses them and most of all it desensitizes them to the vast array of people that make up this world.

We can only hope that one day those who we are near will accept us, as human beings with feelings and emotions, needs and wants just like everyone else. One day.

take off early...

2008-03-21T16:34:00.002-04:00

my boss came over and told me to leave early for the weekend - that was nice - but it was really time for me to leave... i like the new job. it does make a difference. the girls are almost to georgia - they left at 6 this morning.

i was thinking about easter traditions today while sitting at my desk. those that we had when i was a little girl, those when i came home from college and those i have had with the girls - pre and post divorce.

my earliest recollection of easter is from when i was about 10 years old. our easter baskets were always placed in front of the fireplace. they would have jellybeans, chocolate bunnies and hard boiled eggs that we colored earlier in the week. we would go to church, and then to my cousin's house for dinner. at my cousin's we would search for eggs and candies. the eggs were either hard boiled, plastic (with money or candy).

as i got older and came home from college, i wanted my mom to still make me an easter basket. it had to have the same stuff in it that we had when i was younger. the traditions were the same, we just drank a lot more beer at my cousin's house during the celebration.

with my kids, they did the same thing. we would hide the eggs in the yard and my neices and nehpews would come over to search. they always sat on the edge of the patio and got their pictures taken before the hunt. they loved coloring the eggs or "balls" as D2 called them.

even after the big D - they have always colored eggs. last year they weren't even boiled - that is when i knew it was starting to loose its luster. this year - no egg coloring. TBW and i have gone to a friend's house for the past two years. We will go again this year. Last year she gave me WAY too much to drink. This year will be different... Maybe.

Do you remember your favorite easter?

2008-03-20T20:09:00.003-04:00

well, i haven't blogged in a while - to say that things have been busy is an understatement. we have a few days to ourselves coming up as the girls are with their dad on a trip south. basketball season is over, volleyball season has only one game left after break and soccer is just starting up. i took D2 to the doctor for her 13 year old check up - a half a year late - but better late than never. she got three shots and is as tall as the doc. i almost didn't remember my chart number - which is funny because when they were small - i was in there so many times for ear infections and such - i knew it by heart. D2 loved wearing the paper robe - she looked good in it - we had fun waiting for the doc. Hard to believe she is 5 feet 6 inches...

D3 is 10 today - hard to believe - they are all growing up so fast. she and TBW went shopping for an outfit last weekend and she came back with a new wardrobe... They had fun and she looked cute and grown in her new duds.

The new job is going well. It is still a bit of a puzzle to me - but hopefully i will be able to work through it. it is a different place to work. a bit of a melting pot - so to speak. i haven't had to wear nice clothes for years - it definately takes time to pick out clothes in the morning.

We got new carpet in the family room this week - it looks very nice. We are trying to keep the 12 muddy paws off of it and we are trying to keep it "pee free". We'll see how long it lasts.

My mom has a lady living with her 24/7. She has just moved her cocktail hour up to compensate for her talking non-stop. I can only imagine how they get along. Hopefully my sister is feeling a little less stress - time wil tell.

D3 told me last week that the easter bunny wasn't real. she said, "come on mom, a bunny. i don't thing a bunny could do all that work. but i do still believe that santa is real. he is isn't he mom?" oh my. it made me laugh. this is the first year we didn't color eggs. at least i was able to do their baskets and just give them to them, rather than getting up early in the morning to put them on the fireplace. time... it sure is changing. i don't know if i am ready to grow up. i guess i don't have a choice.

tgif

2008-03-14T20:03:00.000-04:00

it is friday - it needs to be!!!

up and down

2008-03-06T17:58:00.003-05:00

i started my new job on monday. i was in orientation for a day and a half. i like the company a lot. i think i will like my job a lot. our computer (our main one) is still not working. i haven't gotten paid for my last week at the last job... and worst of all - my mom was in a diabetic coma this morning - after 6 paramedics put her on an iv for many different things - she came around... who knows for how long. plane ticket from ohio to south carolina for the weekend - $984... what??? wish we could go - but we can't afford it...

one to go.

2008-02-28T21:21:00.002-05:00

well tomorrow is my last day as a contractor... i start my new job on Monday morning. life has been a bit on the stressful side. to say the least. i am excited to start the new job.

my mom has not been doing well - it is amazing how death looming and an aging parent can make you feel so hopeless. i know she is not ready yet because she is still afraid. when she is calm with it, i know it won't be long.
it makes you stop and think... to count your blessings... to have you get rid of the small petty stuff... and hold your loved ones close.

highlights from the week...

2008-02-20T19:51:00.002-05:00

well, to say we have been living through some stress would be putting it mildly... so, instead of writing volumes, we'll just highlight the past week...

i interviewed for a new job at a big company

my sister called - my mom isn't doing well - i can tell that from talking to her...

the big company called for a second interview

all my cubby-mates overheard and wanted to know the gossip

D2 has basketball business going on causing her to cry after practice

book flight to SC to see my mom - by myself...

DSL provider sends mail that we are spewing viruses all over the place - they will terminate service if we don't fix

try to upgrade virus software on machine.

it messes with the registry - computer keeps rebooting

support is available, but it will cost you...

go to SC, leave TBW, arrive, get to mom's, when going to bed, she falls from toilet and it takes us 2.5 hours to get her back to bed.

mom wants pedicure, so three hours later - that is done...

receive phone call that flight home has been cancelled.

call airline - listen to 90 prompts, but can't get a human

mom's inernet is on dialup... for the love of God!

TBW gets me a flight home at 10:20 - cutting my trip way short

interview woman to come help my mom - have it worked out

get home, go to second interview

get to my desk - they offered me the job!!!

talk to my mom - she can't afford lady, so she is going to let the doctor prescribe hospice care for her.

D2's basketball season continues on - they are 0-10 - but they are winning the tournament. it will go on two more weeks. and he added more practices.

snow, snow, snow...

still no computer upstairs and someone spilled a drink on this keyboard and the keys stick, and don't type right.
no reading blogs for me...

i am excited to start my new job on the 3rd...

my mom wants TBW and I to visit for easter... (that is a lot from her... she loves us both!)

sometimes all the stress, and down times make you really appreciate the ups.

the talk...

2008-02-13T18:37:00.002-05:00

I was all set to go see D3 play her last game of basketball. Then D2 came up from the basement when I got home from work to tell me that the confirmation meeting cancelled in December is tonight. ARGHHHHH! I have sat through this already with D1. It is a talk on abstinence (spelling on that one...). A TWO hour talk on abstinence.

I'll let you know the highlights. I am sure I will take notes!

Accepting it.

2008-02-12T17:43:00.000-05:00

I am going to visit my Mom this weekend. I have been talking to her daily and I can tell from our conversations, she is getting worse. One day last week, she told me she bounced a few checks. First of all, in my Mother's entire life, she has never been late on a payment, let alone bounce something. This didn't bother her. (yet another clue) This is the woman who spent hours upon hours talking to me about just the thought of switching investment brokers. She was able to finish raising two girls on her own after my Dad died. He died without his pension, and she was able to do it with what they had in the bank. She put me and my sister through college, and managed to retire in her early sixties. Yesterday, she told me she thought she paid her visa bill, but couldn't find the stub. The bank hadn't received it, so she couldn't remember. We figured out she must have mailed the entire statement along with her check.

She doesn't eat much, because she can't really stand and make it. She has switched from gin martinis to manhattans. Problem is, my sister couldn't find all the ingredients for the drink - so I think she is having Jim Beam and ... Jim Beam. I ask her each day if she has taken her meds - the response is the same - "I haven't had the past 4". I don't really understand what that means. She needs to be in an assisted living facility - but will hear nothing of it.

Last week, she had the guy from the funeral home out. They say as get older and are dying later in life, there is a time in which you accept it and are not afraid of it anymore. I witnessed it with my Grandma. She would always say she was scared to die. She had a son she hadn't seen in years and she requested he come see her - he did. Later that evening, she asked for a beer, and died in her sleep. I think my Mom has come to terms with her mortality. She has said once her quality of life has diminished, she will be ready to go. Problem is, I don't think my sister and I are ready for her to go. I am sure once I go there this weekend, she will be ready.

I guess that makes me scared. She is my support - no matter how old we get. No matter what her opinions are and how crotchety she can be. She got where she is in life because she doesn't let people run over her, she gets the bang for her buck, and she isn't afraid to speak her mind. Where as she may not understand TBW and I, she accepts that she is my partner. I have always wanted my parent's support and done things as I thought they would want me to do them. That in itself made it very hard for me to be honest about my sexuality.

I guess it is time to let go. To stand on my own so to speak. If you would have told me five years ago that my life would be what it is now, I would not have believed you. Not that I regret it, I truly don't. I just never thought I would have the courage to do it. As I type this, I look at my hands and realize they look just like my Mom's when I was young. It was always hard thinking of your parents as young... dating... having fun without kids... falling in love... They did, and they lived their lives as they knew how in the best way possible.

I don't really know what I believe as in an "after life". Do you meet up with loved ones again? How would your first husband or wife take it if you meet up and say you are waiting for your second one? If it is true we all meet up - what if they have found someone else there? Because we don't have concrete answers, thinking about it isn't always easy. How are we in the after life? Young, old, in a body, just a soul? I am scared of death. For many reasons, which is a whole other blog entry. I guess for now, I have to be like my Mom and accept that she is closer to the finish line than the start. She is riding it out as best she can, with as much dignity she can muster. Life is hard - so hard, she wants to give up. Who can say I blame her? I guess it is time to not be so selfish, give her what love I can for the weekend. Make her a faux manhattan and relax and let her be.

life moments

2008-02-08T16:31:00.000-05:00

life is filled with many moments - some that are happy and some that are sad. having someone who you can go through it with and depend on and love unconditionally makes all of those moments more enjoyable. i have a couple of "rough" moments or patches currently in my life.

first of all tbw is the best, she takes care of me, loves and is my other half. it hasn't been an easy road for us, that is putting it lightly. we have been stressed for so many reasons lately. she is starting to wear it on her face. i know she loves me unconditionally - but our life seems to be putting her through the ringer lately. my kids, her job, my job, the dogs (they like to play fight and growl a lot!), the neighbor (we love her dearly - where as those are her problems, tbw listens every day and offers great advice), my mom, her kids, the X - his actions, reactions, non-actions, bills, you get the gist. i feel like sometimes i am not worth it. i know many people have worse problems, i just hope and wish we have the strength to push past it - without some kind of health issue.

then there is my mom. she is getting worse and worse. she has trouble talking, my sister is stressed in trying to care for her - and says she can barely keep her eyes open. she barely has an appetite. she tells me things that you want to say to someone you love every time i talk to her on the phone - as if it might be the last time i talk to her. i'm gonna try to go and visit her next weekend. she told me it is only a matter of time at this point. not words you want to hear, yet what is her quality of life. how scared must she be.

she told me last night that i deserve some good in my life. i need to be proud of who i am and that i deserve good things. of all the people in this world who i thought i could be "gay" with - she wasn't one of them. yet, she accepts tbw and i for who we are. she may not understand it - but she wants us to be happy. that is huge.

it is hard to let go. and i know going there will be one more step in doing that. i know i have to go, and i want to see her - but i don't want her to quit fighting... there are times i still need my mom. we never outgrow that.

wiped out

2008-02-07T17:53:00.000-05:00

i am ready for margarita night at the mexican place... what a week this has been. last night, D2 and I drove to see D1 play her basketball game - so we got home late. I have been taking an antibiotic for my dental work that was done last week. I got into bed and I told TBW I thought I had a yeast infection - things itched - it was 11:05. She got up and went to the store to get me some medicine. She is the best - it feels so much better today. Who knew. That has never happened to me before.

This morning, (D2 is either grouchy or happy - unfortunately you don't get to pick which one). Today was grouchy. So leaving wasn't the best, and I pull out onto the main street and thump, thump - look in the rear view mirror - there is fur flying. Don't know what I hit - I just hope it didn't suffer.

My work experience at this company has been very isolated for the most part. It is me and well me. Two young bucks moved into our area. They are a hoot to listen to. There is one super geeky developer type and one athletically built geeky type. The guy that has always sat next to me is very quiet, older hippie type. Well, when hippie was in. Now he is just organic calm guy. Today, the younguns were talking non stop - I couldn't tune it out. Then this girl came over to talk to the athletic one. I about laughed out loud. She acts like she has a pole up her butt and doesn't talk to anyone. She was over there talking to him about protein powder and how yucky it tastes (she is a size 0) and giggling to save her life. OMG it had me hysterical - and athletic guy had no clue she was flirting. I may have to give them some life lessons. I think it is in my job description.

have mercy! I think I am gonna need my headphones and music...

fat tuesday

2008-02-05T17:10:00.000-05:00

yippee... hooo ha. time to celebrate. i guess it is called super tuesday too. to me it was just tuesday - time to watch the biggest loser - we love that show. i hope it isn't pre-empted. just give me the final people to choose between and then we can get down to the issues. i hate it when the turn ugly on each other and turn everything around to the other person. i think there should be a limit on what they can spend campaining and they can't talk about the other person. Let's hear what YOU are gonna do for us.

It is 60 degrees here in the bubble. Basically means the ground has thawed and of course it is raining. What that REALLY means is there are 12 paws full of mud. They came in to eat this morning and the mud on the walls had my Dad turning over in his grave. When we were little, we had this off white carpet, and shoes came off when you stepped in the door. He always picked up fuzz, swept the driveway and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Now I know why - back then I just thought he should relax a little. Let's just say if your cheese curl lands on the floor - throw it away.

I was planning on taking D3 to the ski resort (well our version - resort might be a stretch) to go tubing this weekend. Better check the conditions first. It might be a hill of ice - or maybe even grass.

Eat up cause lent starts tomorrow. Maybe I'll give up...
mushrooms...
kidney beans...
liver...
oysters...
What are you giving up?

It's Monday Baby...

2008-02-04T18:33:00.000-05:00

The weekend has come and gone. Why do they always go so quickly?

The new doo was easy to fix this morning. I think it looks like Liza Manelli - (however you spell her name). TBW's is very cute. It is fun to pass a mirror because the person looks familiar - but then I realize it is me!

D2 called me at work today to ask me where the bread was. We haven't had bread in months - I would buy it and then throw it out. So, why buy it (I am so smart sometimes). I asked her why she didn't have her usual snack - she said she was out. Hard to believe she went through all that stuff in such a short period of time - and she did. Good thing she is active - if it were me - 50 pounds.

The weather is getting warmer - so I took the dog on a walk with the neighbor - hard not to go get a beer to relax. Kinda goes against getting in shape. TBW is tutoring right now. She is the best.

Can you believe it is February already? Meg - when I feel comfortable taking a picture of the new doo - I'll let you know. It is as short as the dog's!!!

buzzed...

2008-02-01T16:51:00.000-05:00

not buzzed in a good way - well the kind that is alcohol induced. TBW and I are buzzed as in our hair. A friend's sister cut our hair last night and they are both short! Yikes. It will look great in a few weeks.

I had a marathon dental appointment yesterday. Three hours I sat in the chair. I listened to D2's ipod. It was a treat. She has quite a range. I had one crown done and she replaced 3 of my metal fillings. Such fun. We are hoping that the crown works and I don't have to have a root canal. It is all such a bargain.

It is Friday. Yippee.

I haven't been the best in coming out to some of my friends. They usually hear it through the X or some kind of gossip. I know this isn't the best way to handle things - but I am who I am, live where I live and my friends - I don't know if they can handle it or not. Anyways. I had one just ask me today. Of course she knew - I knew she knew. It is all just weird. We side stepped it for three years. She couldn't hold it in any longer. We used to be very close - then we weren't. So who knows where it will go from here. But I can put a check mark next to another name.

When I read about how others are out and about - many years, much support, etc, etc. it makes me feel insignificant. We'll get there. Someday - somehow. One friend at a time.

Guess it is miller time - the other kind of buzzz....

random stuff

2008-01-30T17:55:00.000-05:00

it was 50 degrees here yesterday - today it is -1 with the wind chill.

our garage door was frozen shut this morning

D2 brought the trash cans AND recycle bins in without being asked.

I don't have a clue who to vote for.

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow for a crown and 2 filing replacements.

being an electrician is not my calling.

i want new countertops in the kitchen and new carpet in the family room.

the biggest loser motivates me until weds evening :)

i think i'll build a fire and have a beer!

gayelle

2008-01-29T15:47:00.000-05:00

Driving to work today, we made the news. We, as in us "lesbians". The local radio station said that lesbians don't like that label any more. They said the new term we want to be called is "gayelle". Gay as in "gay" and elle as in "she". Now here in the bubble, we are somewhat remote, so I was totally unaware of this new term. I can't find the source of the info either... if I do, I'll let you know.

In other news, a study printed in USA today, says 44 is the worst age, the age where the probability of depression peaks. Finding myself at this age, I read on. It seems to be the answer to all my problems. "Middle age makes you miserable, so don't blame your job, your kids, your spouse, your income or lack of it, suggests a study of 2 million people from 80 nations released today." They go on to say it is completely normal and should go away in a couple years...

Psheeew! I thought it was all this bigotry with me being a "gayelle"...

what is a mother to do?

2008-01-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

A few of the RSG (recovering straight girl) blogs out there have been addressing the issue of coming out. obviously being an RSG, means that you are coming out later in life and this is to your family - parents and/or children. I am often envious when I read those blogs because most, if not all of them have children, many of them are younger, not too many with older kids. Their outing seemed to be behind them, and they have support from their kids and parents. My story is a bit different.

My parents consist of my Mom. My Dad died in 1983. She never remarried (that is a whole other blog) and she currently lives in South Carolina. I had inklings of who I was throughout my young life, but never really given the option of dating a girl, I never really gave it much credence. I had thoughts, feelings and wonderings, but never thought I could do something about them. That was the environment I lived in. My Mom loved my X and I never let her in on my personal life with him. I did what I was expected to do (marry and reproduce) and just was... When I met TBW, I know she knew there was more to it than friendship. Mothers just know. She let it slide. She, like everyone else around me couldn't understand how I could leave "the good life" and try it on my own. I didn't want to tell her because I knew she wouldn't accept it. You just stayed married. That is what she did. She found out by telling my story to the nurse while she was in the hospital. The nurse told her I was gay. I have never met that nurse. She denied my relationship and who I was the first year of my divorce. I wrote her a very long letter that took me many hours to write. She threw it away, unopened. In the year or so, she has come to terms with who I am. It hasn't been easy and for sure she doesn't still completely understand me. But, she does try, and she does accept TBW as my partner.

When I came out, my daughters were 7, 10 and 13. I didn't really come out in the best way - not that given my circumstance there would be a good way. Being they were all in different stages of development, telling them was in different ways. Long story short, my oldest had the most problem. It was all the gossip in our bubble. The bubble-ites love some good gossip. So the down side was things her friend's parents said and made up that hurt her. I understood that and we dealt with it accordingly. That is why we didn't have a grand opening of coming out - so to speak. She had her own issues as far as her friends, school and sports were concerned. She wanted to start fresh, in the town I grew up, at a much smaller high school. I was so proud of her for doing that. This is the town the X practices in, so getting her there isn't a problem. She is thriving there.

But then we have the X. He is very homophobic. He has family to back it. They love to gossip and they love to be the type of "christians" who judge others and get the juicy story. They think I suck, am an awful mother to do this to her children, and that I am just making my girls' life miserable. I have always wanted to work for the best interest of the girls. To never make them a victim of parent's fighting for their love out of guilt or making them choose A or B. That is what he said he wanted too.

The problem is, D1 is living with him and his new wife in that town. Their values and "ways" are rubbing off on her. That with the fact she has her own suv, credit card and no curfew make me look not so good.

I am having a hard time with it all. Why are people so bigoted? We are not weird, derranged or immoral. I don't care about the X - he has been that way since I've known him. I am scared D1 is going to be too much like him. Sometimes we put ourselves in such a pristine bubble, it sucks to live in it. I just want to love my wonderful partner and give my girls the best I can. Sometimes it just seems there are too many things going against me in achieving that. I won't give up though, but sometimes I sure do get beaten down.

long weekend

2008-01-27T19:58:00.000-05:00

it has been an exceptionally stressful weekend. I have a lot to be grateful for, and a lot of room for improvment. in my world it sucks, relative to having a terminal illness, or the mess our country is in - it doesn't. We are going to veg on the couch. I am drained, I have a lot to capture, and I will sometime soon... Mama said there would be weekends like these... She wasn't lyin'.

The best thing in my life...

2008-01-23T19:51:00.001-05:00

TBW is without a doubt the best thing in my life. I don't deserve her, but I am so happy I have her... I am wondering where my brain has been... It appears I didn't make my car payment last month. There appears to be a small pile of bills that I "lost". Now I don't know where I put them. I don't know where they are now... She called and acted like me, paid the bill over the phone and got the late fee taken off :) We got them all resolved. Together.

She puts things in perspective.

She believes in me.

She takes care of me.

She loves me unconditionally.

She always listens (whether I am ranting, just talking, or being silly)

She makes sure I take my medicine.

She always scratches my back...

Oh yeah, and she is hot!

10 reasons why this day sucks!

2008-01-22T15:46:00.000-05:00

1. traffic sucked this morning because we got 1/4 of an inch of snow... some people go 80 and the others go 20. this works well - NOT!

2. I emailed the company I work for and asked why my vacation time said -22 when I had 37 hours of vacation coming to me.

Answer - vacation doesn't roll over. Bite me!

3. I had to go to the dentist. I haven't been since my last crown/root canal. Guess what? Yepper, another tooth needs a crown - and most likely - another root canal. Bite me again!!!!

4. I made soup for dinner, it has been in the crock pot simmering and it looks yucky - bet it tastes like crap too! Don't bite that!

5. I misplaced a bill that is due soon, can't find it... Now I have to go pay it in person... That is if I can find the statement from last month to get the account number...

6. The CD/DVD writer on our computer won't write CDs or DVDs, but will play them... HP is aware of that, but the computer is JUST out of warranty... bite me again!!!

7. TBW called about getting an invisible collar thing for the puppy... They have puppy packages starting at $489... Just the collar - oh that will be $289! Gotta love the bubble's requirement for fences.

8. It is cold, and dreary, and cloudy and wet outside... To be colder, drearier and cloudier tomorrow... Not so much wet.

9. My Mom can barely breathe, is doing poorly and I can't do a thing for her. She lives many miles away. I wish I could make her feel better. I wish we could visit her more often.

10. Aunt Flo came to visit and I am pretty sure she is here with a vengance!

I guess things could be a lot worse - so I'll quit my bitching. I'm gonna put on my big girl panties (cause lord knows that is all that fits) and deal with it.

AACK!!!

2008-01-18T16:31:00.000-05:00

Since they have banned all fun stuff from the internet now at work, I thought I would peruse an actual news sight... This is from presidential hopeful Mr. Huckabee (on cnn.com)...

"I think the radical view is to say that we're going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal," he said in the interview, published on the Web site Wednesday. "Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again."

then it says...

Huckabee has previously come under fire for past comments on homosexuality. In his 1998 book "Kids Who Kill," the onetime Baptist minister seemed to link homosexuality with sexually deviant and criminal behavior.

"It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations — from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and necrophilia," he wrote.

Wow... let's try to focus here folks.

Help Wanted:

2008-01-16T16:13:00.000-05:00

I haven't really done my resume in years. Like about 22 to be exact... I need to do it and I just don't want to. I am sure the format and content have changed since I last did one! Why can't they just call me up and we'll sit down over coffee and discuss my great work abilitites? I can't even remember what I did at my last job. How much detail do I need to include? Yuck. It was boring work... Then I have to try to spice it up and make it sound so "corporate". Or maybe that isn't the trend anymore either. Wish I was more tech-y, those peeps can just put in key words that managers look for, but don't really understand. They can't ask questions about it because - they don't understand... There is a job that I want to go for, so I guess I had better get moving. I think I'll take Ellie on a walk and clear my mind. I am sure it will write itself while I am gone...

home again, home again, jiggity jig

2008-01-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

Well, the journey to Denver was fun and full of activity. Of course the cold that TBW had New Year's and I got the week later, fell upon D2 hard Friday night. I'll talk more about that later.

Thursday night, we flew into Denver and J met us at the airport. We went to her apartment that she shares with 3 other girls and got settled in. It is perfect for them, they all have their own bedroom and only two have to share a bath. We got ready and Mr. Perfect came over to drive us to dinner. We went to an Italian place and met his parents there. It was a great evening and we enjoyed getting to know all of them. I must say they make a cute couple and they seem to even each other out.

Friday we slept in and headed to downtown Denver to do some shopping. D2 had money to burn, and she did! It was a fun time. We came back so J could get ready to cheer. Her beauty maintenance is very hefty - but it shows in the final product. I guess I could take a lesson or two... She dropped us off at a sports bar place so we could eat and wait until the game began. She was able to get us three tickets - good thing because we checked and the cheapest was about $120. The game was a lot of fun. We enjoyed seeing her cheer. D2 started going down hill fast with the cold, so we met a few of the other cheerleaders and then headed back home.

Saturday, D2 was crying because it hurt to breathe. The cold, along with flying, the new altitude, was really kicking her. She was miserable. So off to urgent care we went. This put our departure time for the mountain later than we wanted. But, what could we do? We got her prescriptions filled and we were off. Mr. Perfect drove us. The drive was beautiful. You drive through this tunnel and then on the other side it was all snowy white. We checked into our hotel and D2 went right to bed. The four of us went to dinner and had a great time. We stopped at the grocery and picked up some chicken and rice soup for D2 and some beer for Mr. Perfect and myself. We stayed up late talking.

Sunday morning was slow. Mr. P was doing a photo shoot of J. TBW couldn't ski because of her wrist, and D2 was obviously down for the count. She wasn't feeling too well, so I didn't feel right leaving her to go ski. So, we went on the photo shoot, ate a great lunch and shopped. D2 laid down in the car for the shopping part. We left the mountain in the early evening.

Next time, I am definately staying longer in the mountains. I think we will stay there the whole time, and Mr. P and J can come to us. It was so beautiful, the air was crisp, but warmer than here. The snow was beautiful and the people there so friendly. All I can say is, I want more!

Calgon take me away!!! To Denver.

2008-01-09T17:11:00.000-05:00

CALGON!!!!

I am getting grouchy and it is time to vent. All things said are the result of a rant, therefore I am not responsible for punctuation, grammar or - why not - its content...

1. A 13 year old who thinks she is in control and is driving me nuts.
If you don't see things her way - you are just weird...

- her schedule is THE schedule, work yours around it.

- her room is her "space" - the clothes on the floor (including, socks in a ball, inside out, bras, undies, etc), the laptop on its side charging on the floor, her shoes, coat, bookbag, various christmas presents (in boxes and out), half filled water bottles, cell phone charger, comforter on floor, sheet somewhere at the bottom of the bed, candy wrappers and clean clothes strewn and folded in the hampers (returned from the laundry room) - is all acceptable and "why does it bother you?"

- she is going to her Dad's tonight because he got them all "High Sch00l Mus1cal on Ice" tickets for tonight. Never mind she has not packed one stitch of clothing for Denver, and that he will be there at 3:30 to pick her up. Not to mention that I told her over and over that was going to be what was happening and that she needs pack her things for Denver. (I know, I know!)

- her bed time is 10:00. BUT... according to her I don't understand that she CAN'T get to sleep, she lays awake for hours, and that she doesn't NEED all that sleep. Yet, in the morning, it takes me walking in her room to wake her up, then yelling up to her to get down to eat breakfast. Then, after she eats, she sets four different alarms to get her up to make the bus. She doesn't see anything wrong with this system.

- our conversation last night in the car on the way to basketball.

D2 - Last Friday, Mrs. Scienceteacher told us that we should do the review questions in our science book for our science midterm for review.

She said it was voluntary, but it would be helpful with our review. Then today she said that since we probably had them finished already, that we would have to hand them in tomorrow.
That sucks. I never do those questions because they are a waste of time.

Me - That would be the first thing I would do, if she said it was going to be useful for the exam.

D2 - Yeah I know, you are a goodie-two-shoes. So are B and A (her friends). They were already finished with them. I asked D if I could use her notecards because she told me she was getting C's on her tests lately. I hate studying from note cards.

Trying to understand her logic...

Me - Why wouldn't you use B or A's notecards instead of D's? If notecards don't work for you, then I would be happy to work with you on another way to study. You could always type them into a file on your laptop, organize it and print it out for a study guide.

D2 - I don't need to do all that, I'll just stick with her note cards.

There was more said, but you get the gist...

- TBW and I are on the computer, trying to find someplace to stay near the ski resort, TBW is on the phone, D2 yells, "Mom!" to which I answer quietly - "Just a minute". She gets off the couch, sees what we are doing, says, "Mom!". I hold my finger up, (like just a minute), she walks over to where we are, says, "Mom". I said what... She asks if I will cut an apple for her, and looks apalled that we can't talk on the phone and listen to her at the same time. Like that was some URGENT problem that warranted her interrupting. We are just so lame... (I am sure if I bothered her while she was on the phone, she would be so understanding and calm)

THEN...
We spend hours upon hours looking at places to stay where we are going skiing. Now by skiing, I mean just me. TBW went to the doc for her wrist, it is only 60% healed and he said she could ski, but she is afraid to - which I totally understand. D2 - doesn't want to ski - she would if she had a friend there, and she HAS to study (kinda ironic when we put so much emphasis on it above :)) TBW's D1 doesn't want to ski because she wants to spend time with TBW - and she can do it whenever she wants. So, that leaves her boyfriend (aka - Mr.Perfect - model, avid skier and total hot dude (according to D1)) I haven't even met the guy and they want me to ski with him - I'll be lucky to make it down a bunny hill - he is probably mogul man... I don't think so. So, Ihave resigned myself to skiing alone. I am independent now - so I can do it and I am looking forward to it. Really, I am...

But as usual I digress about the search for a place to stay. There are millions of places to stay. Most require a 3 night stay. All of them are expensive. Where do people get this money??? We found a perfect place, plenty of room, not reasonable, but we could do it - then they add 10.75% in tax and a $100 cleaning fee. We aren't that dirty people and it is one night! To top that off - they require an additional $500 check which they will hold, not cash until the cleaning people (those are probably the people who CAN afford to stay there at that rate) verify that we didn't trash the place. Blah, blah, blah - the search continues with various text messages to D1 - all resulting in a big fat - we have no place to stay.

So... now TBW is stressed, worried that things aren't planned, and upset that we are picking D2 up from her Dad's, instead of him bringing her back to our house. We have to take the puppy to D3... The dogs... the kids... the lodging... (I keep seeing that calgon commercial) I know it will all work out, but good grief Charlie Brown...

Why is it so complicted? It is called vacation after all...

Monday's ramblings...

2008-01-07T16:32:00.000-05:00

TBW is at the dentist right now getting her tooth fixed. She is like me - I'd rather go to any other kind of doctor, other than the dentist. There is something about that big tray of tools that don't look to friendly. That along with the prodding and poking - not fun. I've always hated going. My childhood dentist was a little old man and his "technician" was his wife. She looked like Wilma Flintsone with grey hair. She also doubled as the receptionist. When I moved to "the bubble" I had to have all my filings re-done. Had all 10 done at once. That was a treat. Oh well - I hope TBW is faring okay.

It is warm here in the bubble today. I saw two convertibles with their tops down on the way home from work. That might be pushing it a little - but I am ready for another freeze, so the mud in the yard and flower beds freeze and the paw prints are cut back a little. I think Elliott is well on his way to China in the front bed. I am sure the neighbors love the Griswalds on the corner. Tonight the Bucks play for the championship. Sure hope we do better than we did last year. Go Bucks! TBW will be rooting for LSU - she is mot much of a bubble participant.

My Mom is having trouble breathing today. I wish I could go over and get her her dinner and take care of her for a bit. That is the hard part of living so far away. I am sure my sister will stop over - but she has three kids and husband to take care of herself - and she loves the Bucks too - so she won't be able to stay for long.

We had a great weekend. They just go by so quickly. We had a great dinner with friends on Friday night at one of my favorite hometown places. We were loud and laughing - just like I like it. One girl I hadn't seen since high school, she looks exactly the same. D2 did a great job babysitting - even got paid. Saturday was basketball game after basketball game. All lost - but they all played well. Sunday was the most wonderful day - we didn't get out of our "jammies" all day. We took down the tree and watched football and the last Harry P movie. Love, love, love those days.

3 days to Denver...

Time to change...

2008-01-04T15:45:00.000-05:00

Last night, after picking up D2 from basketball practice we were pulling into the driveway, I reminded her that she was babysitting tonight while TBW and I went to dinner. We are meeting friends and she is in charge of all the little kids. She asked what time we would be leaving and I told her we had to stop at her Dad's office to pick up D3. She said, "She is coming!!?" To which I said, "Yes, it is Friday night, we always have her on Friday night." She said some kind of 13 year old comment, which I couldn't really decipher and slammed the car door and stomped inside, up to her room. TBW was inside tending to the fire and asked what was the matter, and I said I honestly didn't know.

As I sat working on the puzzle after dinner. TBW was outside talking to the neighbor who is going through some personal problems, D2 was in her room doing her homework, and I got to thinking about how times have changed since I was a kid. If I had ever acted the way D2 did when she got out of the car, I wouldn't be going to basketball the next day. Which got me to thinking about our evening rituals growing up as a kid. Our kitchen was small, the table was attached to the wall, and we had four "mod" chairs - they were hard plastic, funky in design and orange and white. The kitchen sink was in the corner of the room with double windows above it. My Mom could see my Dad pull up and she would always make him a bourbon and seven, ready to hand him as he walked in. He would put his car keys, change and wallet on "the tray" as we called it. It always sat on the counter, near the fridge, with various tid bits in it (mostly coins, nails, etc). My friends were always amazed that it sat out in the open and no one touched it. I remember on Saturday mornings, his wallet would not be able to fold over because of his poker winnings from the night before. But I digress... After he had his drink, we would sit down to dinner. My plate was "special". It was a blue plastic plate with Cinderalla's castle on it from Disneyland. We never went there, so I don't know where it came from, but I used it each night. After dinner, my Dad would do the dishes (no dishwasher) and I would take my bath and finish my homework. I loved sitting at my desk to get things done. My sister on the other hand - never sat at a desk - I don't even remember where she did her homework. When it was warm outside, and it wasn't dark, we always played outside as long as we could. No scheduled play dates. Whomever showed up played whatever game we felt like playing. We just rode our bikes until we found someone outside. We knew when it grew dark, it was time to go home.

TBW's childhood was similar to mine in some regards. Her Dad was 53 when she was born. Her Mom stayed at home, they had one car for the family. She walked home from school each day for lunch, and her Dad came home too. They had their "dinner" at lunch and their supper was a lighter meal in the evening. Her Dad had a beer before dinner and a shot of brandy before bed. She also played outside until it was dark.

So, many years later, with attitude abundant from D2, we slip into our nightly routine. Our nights are usually filled with driving someone somewhere at a set time. We have so many "scheduled" events there is little time for spontanious activities. It isn't bad - just different. I wonder what it will be like for our kids children. It will be fun to see.

As I was taking TBW to work this morning, she said, "I just want to be able to breath (the cold), a tooth (she lost the filling), my arm (gets the cast off next Tues) and my car (hopefully getting fixed today) and to sit on the couch with you and just veg." Sometimes we just get so busy we just need some down time. Time to be together. Our parents made that time every day before dinner. Kids didn't interrupt (a. it was boring, b. we had better things to do) and we respected their schedule. I think it is time for change... But I fear I am too late.

Back to it...

2008-01-03T17:20:00.000-05:00

TBW's car is going to be towed tomorrow and hopefully get fixed. Our friend David, who takes care of the boys during the day, has been keeping them overnight, so that it is one less thing for us to worry about in the morning. They just came over for a visit. Elanor was so excited to see them. They play fight non-stop forever - I wish I had their energy.

We are getting back into the routine of things after the holidays. All girls are back in school, practices have started up again and getting up at 5:45 is once again a pain in the rear. At least tomorrow is Friday. D2 has a brand new laptop from her Dad, so my computer is free in the evenings now. Now the trouble is she can be in the internet and IM non-stop and she will seldom emerge from her room.

We are supposed to meet friends for dinner and drinks tomorrow night. They just called and said we were meeting at their house. Now I love the kids - but my idea of a night out isn't in someone's living room with all the kids coming in and out - monitoring the converstion and number of beers I have. We'll see. TBW says were staying here if that is the plan. Go TBW!!!

I love it that tomorrow is Friday. I could get used to a three day work week. Gonna have to move out of the bubble to achieve that status. Oh well, until then, let's just enjoy what we have. Here's to hopin' TBWs car can be fixed and were back to the normal boring grind next week...

ha ha...

2008-01-02T19:10:00.000-05:00

resolutions

2008-01-02T17:17:00.000-05:00

It is the new year and time for resolutions... TBW has a cold that has her dead on her feet - yet she trods on. We have been watching a lot of football, movies and TLC this past weekend. I am ready to buy all the stuff they are pushing - that "amazing putty" that can do anything and you get "6" tubes instead of 2. Then there is the smoking cessation magnet you can put on your ear... All amazingly guaranteed... ha.

On top of the cold, and the broken wrist, TBW lost a filling at D1's basketball game and then her car wouldn't start (after we bought a new battery). She says December sucks... She has a dental appointment on Monday and a car appointment on Saturday. Hopefully her cast comes off on Tuesday - so maybe we'll be better in January! I am sure going to Denver to see her D1 will help out a lot.

The girls have been with their Dad since Saturday evening after D1's basketball game. Our precious "alone time" has come and gone. School starts again tomorrow. Life will be as it was - our "wild times" will have to be put on hold once again... he he. TBW was telling me the other day that I am too cautious. Gone are the times of sneaking things in even though the girls are in the house. I admit it - I get too spastic. I guess I take her for granted. Although we laugh about it and she tells me the bloom is off the rose - I know it really bothers her. I need to loosen up. I really do loves me some TBW action.

So, what are my goals for 2008?

1. To not take TBW for granted and give her some sneaky lovin! Make her feel the way she is in my heart. I love her forever and need to show her each and every day!!!

2. To enjoy my kids and not worry so much about them adjusting and/or accepting things and let them be part of our family - with me being their mom.

3. Exercise. Get in shape. Exercise...

4. Do my resume... Possibly look for a new job.

5. Update my ipod (i know it sounds silly - but I have been meaning to do it two computers ago!)

6. Backup our computers

7. Just enjoy my life - getting to be with my other half, have my kids and be thankful for all that we have!

Happy New Year!!!

come and gone

2007-12-27T19:56:00.000-05:00

Christmas has come and gone. It was a restful and relaxing holiday, which is good. Why is it the time we spend off from work goes so quickly, while the time I spend at work doesn't? The girls spent Christmas Eve with their Dad and came to our house Christmas day. They are staying until Saturday. Our relaxing timet ogether has been interrupted by a basketball tournament and practice. I won't complain though.

TBW was so excited about her present. We are going to Denver to see her daughter from the 10th to the 14th. We get to see her cheer, meet "Mr. Perfect" and go skiing. Sounds like a fun trip. TBW gave me a ton of clothes and a beautiful David Yurman cross. We are definately blessed. Christmas eve, we had dinner with TBW's son and a friend. We enjoyed talking and opening presents in front of the fire. We went to midnight mass and slept in. I don't miss getting up at the crack of dawn to see what santa brought. I liked it then, but enjoy the slow paced routine we now embrace.

TBW and I watched a few movies until the girls arrived. Overall it was a relaxing time. It is weird not seeing relatives, but it was a nice time.

We have been somewhat spoiled I guess you can say. We have one teen living with us full time. The other two are with their Dad and with us on the weekends. I forgot how D3 can grate on everyone's nerves and how they bicker back and forth non-stop. It appears the older two have added various four-lettered words into their vocabulary. Didn't think I'd walk in on that one yet - but did. All I have to say to it all is $#%#$%# %^%^$^&!! he he....

Haul out the holly...

2007-12-19T09:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I ordered a present for my Aunt online, guaranteed two-day delivery. She will get it today or tomorrow. Last night, while I was mixing the cookie dough for our sugar cookies, the doorbell rang, and there was a package on the front porch. It was a holly plant from my Aunt. The last time I saw my Aunt was at her son's funeral. The time before that was 9 months prior at my Uncle's (her husband's) funeral. The time before that, was the night I went over to tell them I was getting divorced. This is a span of three years.

When I went over to tell them, the X went with me. My Dad and my Uncle were brothers. My Dad passed away in 1983, so my Uncle "filled in" as needed in my Dad's role. This was mainly at our wedding, walking me down the aisle. My uncle was who the X went into practice with, so that is why we went together. My family on that side can drink like no others. If you ever reach the bottom of your glass with no liquid left, inebriation is yours. So, given that scenario, long story short, I didn't get to actually talk about why we had come, until we were getting ready to leave. I fwas inally was able to break the news to them. They assured me they still loved me and supported me, although they wanted us to work through it. A few weeks later, the X went over again (to fix his computer) and he called me around midnight (he was supposed to pick the girls up at 10) and he was so drunk, he said the rode was blurry. I told him to go to his Mom's (he was close) and he ended up at my Mom's. I guess he didn't want her to know how drunk he was? Who knows. Anyway, I would imagine during that time with my Aunt and Uncle, he had the opportunity to "spil lthe beans" about my sexual orientation. He would still deny it to this day - butI know otherwise now (then, I believed him - I am that naive).

For as long as I can remember, we spent Christmas day with this side of the family. We met at their house around noon and stayed until about four in the afternoon, to drive back to the X's brother's house for dinner with them. The year of the divorce, I called my Uncle and asked if I could bring my "friend" (TBW) and her daughter. It was a rather informal affair, lots of different folks stopping in and out, drinking of course... He said he didn't think so. It was family only. I told him I respected his opinion, but that I wouldn't be able to come either. He said a few more things that were hurtful, and we hung up. The X of course was still planning on taking the girls over to "the party". What a dick. (But I digress). Unfortunately he came down with the flu on Christmas Eve and never made it.

After many months of not talking to my Uncle, I decided to write him a letter. Life was too short, and I didn't want things to be this way between us. I got a card that was suitable and poured out a heartfelt letter. The day he received the letter, it sat unopened on the kitchen counter. That night, he died of an aneurism, while walking the dog. They found him in the driveway. He fell into a coma, and died later the next day. He didn't read my letter. I remember getting the call from my sister. We had just gotten to a track meet forD1 and D2. I had gone back to the car to get a blanket (cause it is that cold in the spring) and my phone rang. I couldn't believe it. It was exactly that reason that I had written the letter. Life is short. We have to let go and just love those we can.

I have never dreaded going into a funeral home as much as I did that one. At that point I didn't know if he had read the letter or not. I hadn't talked to my Aunt in such a long time. Would I be welcomed, or shunned? With that side of the family, problems are not talked about, they are dealt with as discretely as possible and then let go. So, I didn't know who knew what, about whom... I walked in and my one cousin came over, gave me a huge hug and walked me into where the private ceremony was to be held. My Aunt came and gave me a hug and we both cried. We held each other for a while, both of our bodies shaking as the tears came. He never read the letter and my last words with him were our fight on the phone.

So, that is how things were left between us. Now that he is gone, my cousin (the only one of the six of them left in that hometown) is gone, my Mom has moved, so we don't get together for Christmas anymore. I am sure she will move away from that town soon. The cousin that came to hug me, her husband died at his desk a few months ago. So, I assume she will move closer to her. My Aunt sends me a gift in April for my birthday, and I send her one in September for hers... Then we have the online purchaseses for Christmas that we have just exchanged. Maybe it is time to actually call her and go visit her. Because after all... Life is short.

ho ho not so much...

2007-12-17T20:50:00.000-05:00

i think this is the first year i haven't really felt like Christmas is coming. We have all of our shopping finished, none of it is wrapped, and the cookies that D3 and I made have all been eaten. None of them saved to give to our neighbors with their gifts. The tree is beautiful - but it is the first time in forever that it is artificial. (Hey TBW, I do like the tree, I am not complaining - honest!). TBW's daughter moved to Denver this year, it is her first year in the working world and she isn't coming home for the holidays. I guess it is just full of change, and when you think of your holiday time, it is usually filled with tradition. None are right or wrong - they are just what you remember doing to celebrate.

When I was young, we always went to my Grandma's for Christmas Eve, church on Christmas day, after we opened presents, and then to my other Grandma's for Christmas dinner. I always remember waiting until my parents went to bed, and sneaking out to take a look at what was under the tree in the middle of the night. Santa never wrapped our gifts, so we could see what he had brought. There was always one thing that I really wanted - it would be the first thing I hunted.

It is hard to establish traditions when we are all moving around so much. But I am coming to realize, we have a warm house, filled with love, we have jobs and are able to be together. That is a wonderful tradition, no matter what day it is celebrated on, or how it is celebrated. So it is time to get into the spirit, enjoy the holidays and have a cup of cheer!

random thoughts

2007-12-14T08:04:00.000-05:00

Why is it people assume that what your partner/husband/wife does for a living, you are an expert in as well?

I was talking to my Mom on the phone yesterday, as I always do on my way home from work. Of course she was thinking about getting her tax returns done for the year. My cousin (who worked as a partner in an accounting firm for many years) used to do them and had done them for many years. He passed away last April. So, last year, an associate of his did them for her. Of course she never received a bill for the work - he had always done them "pro-bono". So my Mom tells me she is going to call my cousin's wife to see if they will still do her taxes. As a side note, my cousin and his wife were a day away from their divorce being final when he died. She is a nurse. I told my Mom not to bother the wife with that, she wouldn't have an answer for her. I told her to call the gal that did them for her and ask what the charge would be for this year and if she was still interested in doing them. My Mom's only income is from her investments, which is enough for her to live. Her return can't be that complicated. I told her if they were going to charge, let me know and I would do it myself.

That got me to thinking about the many times when I was married that people would ask me medical questions. What are people thinking? It always made me laugh.

What is the best way to communicate with your teen?

D2 is not a morning person. She will admit it and anything I say to her in the morning usually results in a grumble, or goes in one ear and out of the other. When she gets home from school, she likes to "plan" her evening, so she can get her recorded shows watched, her homework done and whatever else she needs to do accomplished. Problem is, the things I told her in the morning aren't part of her agenda. So, we put a small white board on her door. Each morning, I write down what she has that day, and what I need her to do. That way, when she has her time, she can read it and comprehend it. It has worked well. Many mornings, I will write her a note, or draw some kind of silly picture. I laughed this morning, because she had erased my message from yesterday, drew a bed, with zzzz's coming out of it, and wrote, "I gotta go to school... and it sucks!!!" I didn't have the heart to erase it this morning. I just wrote her another note that said to do well on her tests and that I loved her. I think we are on to something!

I have the best wife in the world!

Who else would go to the store, buy the fixins' for chili, make the chili (for my work potluck) AND make dinner for us, after working a full day? All with an arm that is still really sore from her broken wrist. She is wonderful!

Go Team!

2007-12-13T06:45:00.000-05:00

Last night, D2 and I went to see D1 play basketball. The drive is about 45 minutes, so I had time to spend with D2, just the two of us. Her attitude lately has been a bit gruff, to say the least. During the ride over, I could tell she had her normal attitude, so we didn't talk much. If I ask her a question, I am being nosey, if I make a statement, I am being too sensitive. I did laugh because after she gave me a bunch of tone, her friend called and she was sweet as pie! When we got there, I wanted to take some pictures of D1, and D2 decided she was going to sit at the top row of the bleachers where it was dark. I asked her why she was sitting there, and her reply was, "I like the dark." I went down about 10 rows and sat by myself. Her Dad came in sometime after the game started and went and sat with her. He later came back down and asked me what was wrong with D2. I said, "She is 13". Secretly, I was happy she had the same attitude towards him...

It was a good game and I enjoy watching all of my girls play their sports. D1 came and sat with me for a while after the JV game, and we got caught up on things. She is going to a dance this weekend and she has a date! She has been going to the tanning bed and she needs a new dress! Ahhh... the essentials. I am happy for her and hope she has a great time. I miss having her around, but her switching schools was the best thing for her. It makes me happy that she saw an opportunity and she took it. When she left me, she went up and gave her sister a hug and sat with her for a minute. D2 and I left after the first quarter of the varsity game.

On the way home, D2 was finally her old self. Apparently last Saturday, after D1's game, she was hurt by the fact that D1 didn't say anything to her at all. That was when the attitude had started. We talked a little about it, but I didn't want to push too much. She'll talk more as the week continues. Amazing what a hug from a loved one can do for you.

I missed TBW while I was gone. I came home and she was in bed with all three dogs surrounding her. At least she had someone protecting her and keeping her company. I am sure they didn't have a "tone" with her, just non-stop movement and puppy play!

no box to check

2007-12-11T08:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, TBW had her appointment with the orthopedic guy. This particular practice is huge. We checked in and went into this waiting area that was as big as most doctor's offices that I have been in. She was given two forms to fill out requesting the normal medical information. As I was filling in the information, I came to the "marital status" box. I asked her what she wanted me to pick. The choices were: married, single, widowed, divorced. She said, "Write in, living with partner". So I did. Got to the second form, and on that one, there were no choices listed, it just said, "Marital status" and a blank line. I thought it should be left blank because that is what we qualify for - nothing. She told me to write it in again. Her new cast is a beauty... She had him make it like a candy cane. She is so beautiful and feastive.

We have gotten a few cards in the mail already and all of them include TBW - which is cool. Since we never really had an official "coming out", it is interesting to see. We have always said we don't want to take out a billboard, but we want to be seen as a couple. To your real friends, being who we are doesn't matter. This is our third holiday season in the bubble and life is finally settling in around us as a couple. I normally include a picture of the girls in our cards, but getting them all together, looking picture ready, might be a difficult task this year. I am sure we will come up with something.

In the meantime, my emergency contact is TBW, and we are "none-of-the-above", but one day we hope to be married...

part 3

2007-12-10T13:06:00.000-05:00

The end of the school year was days away, and we had a ton of work to do on the dvd. My thoughts were constantly consumed with how I felt about this woman. The faceless woman of my dreams now had a face. I had never in my life felt the way I did when I was with her. Being with her seemed like an impossibility, but trying to not let anything happen was a force that was getting harder to fight. We put together the most incredible dvd and she sent them out to each child in her classroom.

Summer had started and we would meet early in the mornings to walk around our lake, at a nearby park. It was during those walks that we decided that being without each other was not an option. This was a huge step for both of us. I still don't know where I got the courage - I would assume finding your soulmate and being so in love helped. It was a difficult summer. Finding time to be together was very tough, and almost impossible, she had to go through mediation with the other teachers to solve how they were going to progress for the next school year, I had to be away on vacation for 10 days, dealing with our kids, the X's, etc. It was very tough. We decided to move in together near the end of the summer when my X had the kids in Michigan for a long weekend.

I have glossed over a lot of the details which were very painful, but they formed who we are today. While many of the details will remain unsaid and in the past, the fact that TBW was
drastically loosing weight won't. She was developing severe stomach problems and they appeared to be getting worse with each passing week. Summer was coming to a close, and we were becoming settled in our apartment. The girls were adjusting to the divorce - and we seemed to be moving along with life. A couple of days before the new school year, we went to set up TBW's office. I didn't do much - other than help her carrythings into her room. We had told the girls that financially I needed a roommate and that TBW needed a place to stay. Just "coming out" in the bubble, given the lives we led, wasn't feasible. We needed to develop a
"strategy". The day before school, I took the girls in to meet their teachers. We went back to the apartment afterwards and I was getting our computers set up and the phone rang. TBW told me to come pick her up because she had just been fired. I thought she was joking - based on what had been going on with her and how she talked on the phone with her teacher friends. She wasn't joking. Apparently, her aide was fired at the end of the previous school year due to the problems mentioned prior. She apparently had thought that TBW was the reason for her getting fired. So, she marched into the office and told the principal that TBW was not married either and she too was living with someone. She figured tit for tat.

I have never felt so much sadness for someone. Teaching is her passion and she is amazing at it. She was devastated. They wanted her to sign papers stating that she quit and she refused. This is how they had fired many in the past. If you didn't sign, they would give no further recommendations and you were basically screwed. The priest told her something about how she was "immoral and she defaced the C* church". She fought back, but the meetings with the union, and her lawyer basically left her without a job because of the endless supply of money backing the church. Luckily for her, parent's of students heard and a few of them offered her a job if she wanted it. She took one of the jobs and is still working there today.

It was the final blow of being fired that sent TBW's stomach into total chaos. With no insurance for 30 days after starting her new job, she waited to go to the doctor (also a Mom at the bubble school) as long as possible. At this point, we figured she had stomach cancer. She was in a
size 4 and they only stayed up with the help of a belt. She was finally diagnosed with celiac's disease. That is the body's inability to process wheat and gluten, etc. So, everything you do to calm a queasy stomach (chicken noodle soup, crackers, etc) was making her more sick. She passed out at work, and tore the ligaments in her foot, which put her on crutches. Problem was, she wasn't strong enough to pull herself along on the crutches. Finally one Tuesday night, we had the girls, and I went up to bed, and found her on the bathroom floor, her limbs were frozen and she was barely concious. I wasn't taking no for an answer again, we were going to the hospital. I bypassed normal doctor protocol, and called the doc at home. I emailed the doc she worked for, who was online, and as soon as the X got there, we carried her to the car. Of course it was pouring rain, we loaded her up, and walked into the ER, and both docs had arranged for
her to go straight into a room. Basically her body was shutting down, she had no potassium, magnesium or calcium left in her body (because everything she ate shot right out of her). She was so close to death, and it was very scary.

So, in a huge nutshell, that is how she got to where she is today. We have both gained back her weight :) and she can't get a recommendation to teach in this area. We have made it through so
much. Just recapping it has brought back many more details which I didn't go into, but it is amazing that we made it through it all. She has often said, that as devastating as it all was, she would do it again in a heartbeat. I would too, but I would also like to see her teach again. They need her and she needs them. I need her too... She is my other half...

part two...

2007-12-06T16:30:00.000-05:00

When I would go into the class room, I noticed she had an instance of AIM up on her computer. I noticed this, and one night I decided to send her a message. Our friendship grew and over the
computer, you could talk about anything. Before leaving for spring break, I took her a case of coke and a bag of m&ms. We talked for a while, but she soon kicked me out so she could do her
report cards. She told me to "instant message" her if I got online during our vacation. We were going to Florida for the week. Each day when I came in from the beach or pool, I would take the laptop, login and hope she would be on. I can still remember how excited I would be to see her logged in. I must confess, while I spent time on the beach, or at the pool, my thoughts would often drift to her. In my mind the relationship was an impossibility, but it was just my thoughts - so I let them go. Each afternoon, while everyone was out in the sun, I would hurry in to see if she was there. We talked of everything. A lot of which was cryptic. Kinda flirty. I told her there were things in my past that might shock her. She obviously wanted to know what. I told her I would tell her later. She then made a confession to me. She wasn't really married to the man she was living with. She said people just preceived that she was, but they were just living together. We talked about things, revealing more and more as each day progressed. The day before we were to leave to drive home, she sent me a message with her phone number in it. She told me to call her if I was bored in the car. We talked for hours.

When we returned to town, we continued to talk on the phone each day after school was over. It was only for a short period of time, usually while I was walking the dog. Always when I was running around taking the kids to practice, etc. We would message each other later in the evening when the kids were in bed. She always got off the computer around ten to take her bath. During those conversations we revealed so much to each other. Things I had never told anyone else, I had told her and vice versa. One of my big things that I told her was that I had
had a relationship with a girl. For reasons beyond my control, I wanted her to see inside of me, to know me - I can look back on it now and know that she is my soulmate - but who knew at the time.

The weekend before my birthday, I told her I was going to go to the auction and asked her if she would like to come with me. She said she would. I picked her up, we went to the auction and then to dinner after at a pub. We sat in the car prior to going in for dinner, and we talked more. As we talked, we sort of held hands. I had turned my head away, and she asked why I was crying. Now I don't cry in front of people, and there was just a tear in my eye, which she couldn't see (it was dark, and my left eye). I told her I wasn't crying. She said, "You aren't happy in your relationship are you?" To which I was dumbfounded. No one had ever knew me well enough to even have a hint about that. I had hidden it so well from everyone. Of course we talked for a while and just grew closer. I had revealed more to her than any other living person, but so much of it was just things she "knew".

The weekend of my birthday we had them (she and her "other half") over for a cookout. After it was over, the X said to me, "You have a relationship with her that is more intimate than anything you have ever had with me." I blew it off and said he was crazy. It was nearing the end of the school year, and we had a ton of work to do on the dvd. I liked that because it meant we would have to work together. Her other half was out of town one weekend and I went over to visit. We were going to go to dinner, but she was going through all this stuff at school - so she was constantly on the phone with her friends discussing the trauma and drama. I thought she would never get off the phone.

Let me do a sidebar and tell what was happening at school. TBW worked with four other teachers and she also had an aide. The other teachers were all young and fresh out of school. Through the entire year, they were very mean to her, excluding her, talking behind her back, and anything she suggested, they didn't want to do. It was awful. They were reprimanded by the principal when they were caught talking out loud about her in the staff lounge. They had to have a mediator come in to help the 5 of them work together. Instead of dealing with the problem, the principal (from here on called FA - for fat ass) let it go on. The school basically had "the older teachers" in the upper hall (4-8) and "the younguns" in the lower hall (k-3). They were at odds. Along with those fine examples of christian role models, you have TBW's aide. She was a neighbor of mine, who I had known since my youngest was in first grade. Her story was this... Someone called her at school one day and told her her husband was cheating on her, and it went downhill from there. TBW listened to her, gave her guidance and helped her as much as she could. They separated, and her aide wanted to start dating an old college fling (small world, the man was my tennis coach and the big comfy country club). TBW told her to be discreet about it (she wasn't yet fully divorced). The aide and she had a bond because both of their "others" were black. She also had told her that she wasn't really married to D. It was the only other person at school that knew that (well I did at that point). As the year went on and the antics from the other teachers continued, the aide was getting closer and closer to getting her teaching degree. She would often be absent from the room, and was always "chatting" with the parents about her situation.

So, back to that night. She got off the phone and I was almost asleep on the couch. She came and laid beside me. We held each other and it was so incredible. I finally had to leave. Nothing more happened. It was the most romantic feeling I had ever experienced. It was amazing...

to be continued again...

Ready for the holidays?

2007-12-06T16:19:00.000-05:00

TBW is hurting. Her wrist is all wrapped up, but still hurts her very much. I love taking care of her, but being the independent person she is, she sometimes gets frustrated with it all. It is fun getting her dressed in the morning... Not so much for her. Wool sweaters aren't very giving, turtlenecks would go over her arm, but pulling them on, hurts. (we'll cut the right arm off a couple tonight - since she freezes in her cubby - and she has 5 more weeks, at least, to go). Pants, socks... bra :) - they require two hands. I know it is frustrating. It had to happen to her right hand, which is her dominate hand, and in the winter, when layers of clothes are required. I guess in the summer, the driveway wouldn't be slippery with snow...

Waiting in line last night to get her prescription, we were discussing whether or not we should put her on my insurance. There is a "domestic partner" option listed, but I need to find out what I need to do to "prove" that and what the additional cost would be. Her insurance is free through her employer, but she is responsible for 10%. That seems reasonable, but a simple test, like a bone scan now costs thousands. Which in turn ends up costing her hundreds. Her ER copay was $150. Suddenly it adds up. I'd hate to see the bill if she had to be admitted to the hospital. We won't get on the cost of healthcare and prescriptions in this country - or this blog entry will be endless. I need to decide if I am going to stay where I am working, or try to find something else. Then we will pursue it based on our decision there.

We haven't started our Christmas shopping. Guess we aren't feeling the pressure yet :) This will be the first year TBW's daughter won't be home. She lives in Denver now. It is her first year in the working world. She is hoping to work over the holidays to get the overtime pay. I hope we can fly her home sometime soon though. I keep waiting to get into the spirit of the season... The snow is helping, but I am still not quite all there. Maybe a little eggnog and mistletoe...

Taking care of business

2007-12-05T11:18:00.000-05:00

As did a lot of the country - we got our first "big" snow. When our alarm goes off in the morning, we have a routine. TBW takes Ellie outside to go to the bathroom, and then I take the bigger boys out and then I pack the lunches for us and feed them. Today, TBW came in, snow all over, holding her arm. She had slipped on the driveway and landed on her arm. So, like Laverne and Shirley, we got her dressed. Me helping her put her pants on, combing her hair and putting on her makeup. She normally takes the boys to "daycare" (that would be our friend David, who keeps them during the day) since it is on her way to work. We barely got her coat on (because heaven forbid she be "late" for work) and her arm was hurting and it was starting to swell...

Luckily, she works in the building adjoined to the hospital. She just got back to her desk. Her wrist bone is cracked. Her wrist is in a soft cast and she has to go to the orthopedic in 5 days. They said it would take about 6-8 weeks to heal. She said she is in pain. I bet she is. Knowing her, she will put her full day in and won't miss a beat.

D2 had a basketball scrimmage last night. It is going to be a long season. Oh the teenage years. I was so happy I wasn't coaching them. Every mistake they made, they giggled about it. Everything was funny. As a coach, that would drive me nuts. They are just not an overly athletic bunch of girls. Luckily, the boys from their class, that practice after them, didn't come inside to watch, or I am sure the antics would have been bigger than what they were.

Prior to leaving for the scrimmage, I gave D2 the five minute warning. (She moves at her own pace, and when you end up being late, it is always because of me :)) She spouted something in a "tone" back to me. When it was time to leave, she mumbled that she would be waiting in the car. Two minutes later, she stomped back in and said the doors were locked. (My side was open, she just had to flip the unlock button - but I am sure that would have not added to her drama-fest). TBW said if she were her daughter, she'd be sitting in the car for a while, missing her practice. While I agree that she shouldn't talk to me that way, doing that was a little extreme. Esepecially for me. I am all for developing a back bone, but let's not go to the extremes!

About a 1/2 hour into the scrimmage, the red-faced D2, who was sitting against the wall with other girls who weren't playing at the time, loudly said, "Get my water." No "please"..., no warmth in her voice..., and definately a lot of attitude. I was talking to an old neighbor and friend, and I asked her if she thought I should get it. She said, "I wouldn't if I were you." So I sat there, and D2 just looked incredulous. It was kinda fun.

After the game, she was ready to go. Now, I didn't realize until later, but she probably doesn't want any of the boys to see how she looks after practice, but I was saying good bye to the other parents - she came back in and was ready to go! When we got in the car - she let loose. I let her rant for about a mile and then I had had enough. I lectured for a while and then we drove in silence the rest of the way home. She eventually surfaced around 9:30 for dinner - fixing herself a nice bowl of cereal. Not saying a word to me. At ten, when I was ready to go upstairs, she asked if I would "help her get her bath ready". This was her way of breaking the silence and letting me know she was ready to move on. I got the water going, added the bubbles, and kissed her forehead. I told her to come get me when she was ready for bed and I would tuck her in.

Sometimes, you just have to vent.
Sometimes, you just need a bubble bath.
Fortunately, you always need your Mom.

Sometimes, you get hurt.
Somefimes, you are in pain.
Fortunately, as long as I live, I will always be here to take care of you.

weekend and our story

2007-12-03T16:21:00.000-05:00

The weekend was good, but as usual, it went too quickly. The rains came in and lasted all of Sunday. Twelve paws traipsing in the rain and mud make for a messy floor. TBW informed me that the swifter pad goes on with the "lettered" side against the velcro. Whatever... Sometimes it is just better if I don't mop the floor. We are both awaiting the colder weather, to freeze the ground, so the muddy prints go away. We are well on the way - there was a small dusting of snow this morning.

We put up our tree this weekend. It is the first year in I can't remember when, that I haven't had a real tree. We figured since we have three dogs playing on every stretch of bare carpet, that this might be a little less of a mess and we can put the tree money towards present purchases. It looks nice. We will put the ornaments on next weekend when the girls are all home. D2 is ready to put them on now though.

I have previously mentioned that I have journaled since the early eighties. The two years that I didn't was when I went through my divorce and met TBW. Now those two years could be a book in itself and when it is all told, you'll realize why there was no time. It was all so unreal, so fantastic, so heartbreaking, so scary, so - you name it - that I thought I could never forget the details. Yet thinking back on it - I am sure I have. So I want to chronicle that part of our lives too.

Like so many of our stories, I am sure you can read it and be amazed that we made it through - together. And then again, you may wonder how we didn't end up on the J*err*y S*pri*ng*er show...

Part One

I was married in 1985. I won't detail that much, but let's just say this... The boudoir activities were not what I expected, not my cup of tea so to speak. We did have three wonderful girls in 1991, 1994 and the last in 1998. My life revolved around them and their schedules. I never let on to anyone what I really felt. I would listen to my friends talk about their relationships with their husbands - I just wasn't there. We were friends, we weren't lovers. As you can imagine, this often caused a riff between us.

I often dreamed about this person who completed me in so many ways... and it was a woman. She never had a face. I just loved to dream about her. I had always done what was expected of me and lived the life that my parents wanted me to, what I was expected to do.

When D3 was in first grade, I went to curriculum night at school. At this point in my life, I had left my job of 17 years to stay home with the kids. I played tennis four times a week, and took them where they needed to be. I guess some said I had it made. By this time in my life, I was over the games and the politics involved at the bubble school. I had gone through it with D1 and decided with D2 I would play along, as needed, but by the time D3 came around - I was done playing. So, I walked into that curriculum night, in my khaki shorts, sweatshirt, tennis shoes and a baseball cap. I was out of place with the Mom's in their heels, desinger apparel, coiffed hair and bling bling bling. The woman talking in front of the room was striking. She spoke with confidence and you could tell the status didn't affect her one bit.

I was able to watch her talk and was happy she was who D3 got for a teacher. I had heard she was strict, but that her teaching ability was amazing. She was known for having her class excel in their studies and more importantly she taught them to respect adults as well as one another, and to work hard for what they wanted.

In the bubble school, in order to do anything with the kids, you have to be finger printed and take a course on molestation. This was a new policy, and many of the parents hadn't done so yet. I had to get it done the year before because I was coaching D1 and D2. It was time to go on the first field trip to the apple orchard. In order for you to sign up to chaperone, you had to have those two things done. I thought I might have a chance. There are always 20 volunteers for each 2 spots available. D3 told me that they were picking out of a hat to see who could go. She was so excited when she came home and told me I was picked.

I love taking pictures, I always have. So I loaded up my camera and we were off to the orchard. The other Mom chosen to go was nice, and low key like I was. I should have suspected something then, but I didn't. We went through the orchard and I took lots of pictures. The teacher told me she didn't like her picture taken. Being the rebel I was :) I took a few of her anyways. When we sat down for lunch, the kids sat in a circle and I sat with the other Mom. The teacher joined us, and we chatted. I can still remember what she had to eat. (A lunchable nachos and cheese, cheez' its and a coke). It was fun talking to her.

After we got back to the school, she asked me to email her the pictures so she could put them in her monthly newsletter. I told her if she was interested, we could put together a dvd at the end of the year summarizing all that the kids did in her class through pictures. Weeks went by and it was time for our parent-teacher conference. At the time, they scheduled them for the whole school during a five hour window. Each conference was to last 10 minutes. I had three kids to get through. I waited outside her door and I could see through the window that the Dad in there was getting animated - so I didn't want to interrupt. My time was soon up, so I just moved on to the next conference. I sent her an email telling her that I was there, but decided whatever she was discussing with them was more important than my conference - since I didn't have anything really to discuss with her about D3. I then said if she wanted to talk about D3, maybe we could do it over margaritas. Re-reading this, it sounds like I was flirting an awful lot - I wasn't really - honest. Although subconciously maybe I was...

Time just went on. I came in frequently to take pictures of the various activities. It was so much fun being with D3 during the day, getting to know the kids and getting to know her. When I look back on it now, I also liked watching her teach. I hope this doesn't read like I am a perv. We just slowly developed a friendship. One night after school, they had an open house for the parents of perspective students of both kindergarten and first grade (they had a lull in enrollment for these levels - more on that story later). I had my asistant coach run practice, I dressed up (you know I had to get back into bubble mode) and went to the meeting. As we were sitting there, she looked so hot, but I noticed the huge bling on her finger. I hadn't noticed that before. I commented on it and she told me she didn't wear it during the day because she was always into stuff and she didn't want to loose or damage it. We talked for a while that evening after the program was over.

to be continued...

lunch time reading

2007-11-30T13:47:00.000-05:00

While eating my nutritious salad at my desk today, I read an article about our former chief justice and her husband. He is currently suffering from Alzheimer's and receives full time care in a nursing home. They said in the article that he has a new girlfriend, who also resides in the home. He doesn't remember his wife of 50+ years and seems very content now that he has found this new woman. She continues to visit him and accepts it as part of his disease. She said it was the "highest form of love."

This got me thinking about a couple of things. First of all, what would I do and how would I react, if TBW hooked up with someone because she couldn't remember me? Would I react the same way? Would I be jealous? It is such a debilitating disease and one that is horrible to live through as a patient and as a loved one.

TBW's Mother, died last year from the disease. She was in her 90's. She spent the last 15+ years declining bit by bit, to the point she couldn't remember TBW or anything about her pre-nursing home life. TBW would often get calls from the nurse who cared for her Mom. The calls came a couple times a month, but she also received letters in the mail detailing each bruise or her constant food consistancy change because she didn't know how to chew and swallow her food anymore. Constant reminders to TBW that she couldn't do anything to help her, but that she was still hanging on, not knowing who she was, where she was or how she got there.

I saw the toll it took on TBW. When she died, we traveled to Wisconsin where TBW grew up to take care of things, and to say goodbye. We saw the facility, or room, in which she spent her last years. Her nurse was a caring and loving person. I don't know how she has the grace and caring to do that job on that locked down floor for so long, but she did, and still does. I never got to see her Mom in person, but above her bed, was a framed photo of her Dad. The eyes and the mouth were familiar to the face that I love so much. TBW looks so much like her father. We have that picture in our living room now. The trip bittersweet. I was saddened for the reason for going there, but was happy to see all of the places and things TBW experienced in her childhood.

We saw the house where she grew up, went to mass at the church they went to as a family, saw the places she rode her bike, liked to eat, etc. Even met a childhood friend. Funny side bar - or so I think anyways. After mass, the nun who did the sermon (I guess they are consolidating churches there and they are short on priests) came to the back of the church. I was taking pictures, and she introduced heself to TBW. She asked her if I was her daughter? sister? To which TBW said, "This is my partner." My eyes got bigger than saucers and I shook her hand. This is small town suburbia in a "C" church... We laughed when we got in the car. Even though we were there to bury her Mom, we did enjoy seeing the sites and I loved seeing all of the places from her childhood. Details ofthe trip will be a later entry.

Then, thinking about the above article, I was thinking about my journaling, and wondering if re-reading it all and looking at pictures would help. This in turn led me to thinking about the movie, The Notebook. That was such a good movie. To be able to have a soulmate like that. To lie together in bed and die in each other's arms. How beautiful would that be?

We plan to put up our tree this weekend and have a fire or two. I hope we can have time to watch that movie together in between our other activities. I guess in the end, if we don't know each other because of the affects of disease, I know that our souls will always be connected - so it's all good.

pictures of ellie

2007-11-29T16:19:00.000-05:00

Ellie and Elliott TBW and Ellie

Ellie - doing what she does best... nippin'

journal time

2007-11-29T09:33:00.000-05:00

I have journaled my life for many years. I began after my Dad died in 1983 and I was in college. My first journal was a book covered in red corduroy. The words were actually written out by me over a period of time. Near the end of my second book, I received a laptop for Christmas (1994) and I started journaling on it, keeping entries by the year. At the beginning of each new year, I would print out the previous year's entries. Now, I have moved on to this blog.

I realized recently, that I don't know where those two hand-written journals are, and that I quit printing out my "online" journals years ago. I was talking to a co-worker yesterday about blogging and he says he uses this software called blurb to print wedding albums for couples he shoots pictures for, and that they also can print your blog in a bound book, complete with pictures for a fairly reasonable price. So, that got me to thinking... I need to consolidate my journals by year, have them printed and then - wha la - there they are. But like the scrapbooks that I have gotten behind on, and the photos I want to scan, so theyare "backed up" and even the digital pictures that are in various folders (the new ones not even backed up) - I need to organize.

The problem with online versions of things, even though they are reliable, is that as you change computers, you need to make sure all your "stuff" upgrades as you do. We have three computers in the house and we need to take the time to backup things we don't want to loose. Being in the technology field, I know this is crucial, but like so many things in my life - I get behind and figure I'll work on it "tomorrow". Something to think about...

We had a great evening last night. It was nice and quiet. I love spending time at home, with family. I love it even more when I see TBW's eyes sparkle this amazing color of blue (as they did last night). It is one of the most beautiful things about her - because when they are that way, I know the amount of love and happiness she has for me and with me. Through those blue eyes, I can see into her soul and find my place. It is through those eyes that I realize what a gift we have been given and how lucky we are.

Double Take

2007-11-28T08:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I look at my kids and have to do a double take. I always tend to think of them as being little. I don't know if it is me wanting them to stay little or that I just get so caught up in day-to-day life that I don't see them change.

I went to pick upD2 from basketball practice last night and I was peeking in through the door. These are girls who I coached from 4th grade through 6th grade. They were little, giggly, and awkward in their ability to play. As I peered through the window of the door, I couldn't find D2. Then I did my first double take. She was playing left post and was in the middle of all of these girls who are now taller than I am. Part of it was that she had straightened her hair, the other was I was looking for this gangly girl with the puffy ponytail.

When we got home, she was standing across the room and I did it again. I looked at her and realized that she is almost grown (body-wise) and she isn't a little girl any more. She has always had compassion beyond her years, a warm personality and an ability to strike up a conversation with anyone she sees - but then I saw her as she would be as a young woman. She passed me in height about a year ago, but I hadn't really noticed her child-like features starting to fade. I just looked at her for a few minutes, and realized that she is becoming a beautiful young woman who amazes me in so many ways and makes me so proud to be a Mom.

At dinner last night, she said she gave her boyfriend's Mom my phone number. Apparently, he wants to take her to dinner and a movie this Saturday. They will be accompanied by his parents. She started laughing and said, "It is kinda weird because he wants to go to the movie around 2, and that would mean we would eat dinner around 4. Who eats that early? And dinner - with his parents. Isn't that kind of weird?" Sometimes she is still 13! TBW and I told her that was nice that his parents would do that (and we knew that was the only way she was going) and that she should just enjoy herself.

At the end of dinner, TBW suggested that D2 stay home today to get plenty of rest, to nurse that cold and to take care of herself. I drew her a hot bath, told her to relax and to then get warm jammies on. She said she wanted to sit with TBW and I to watch tv when she was finished. I tucked her in bed, rubbed her back and she was asleep before I left the room. Sometimes, just having someone close take care of you when you don't feel well makes your feel full of love. Sometimes, being the person that can give that love makes you feel the same way...

Easy come, easy go...

2007-11-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone - so has the break from work. What a dread to go back. I wonder if a job exists where you are excited to go back? Wish we had more of the European mentality about work around here...

TBW made a wonderful dinner for the big day. All of our kids, minus the one in Denver were in attendance. The weather is turning colder and more gray. D1 drove the other two over to our house from the previous stop. We slept in on Friday and TBW, D3 and I went puppy shopping.

I think weare nuts... a bit cookcoo... But we had been talking about getting a small dog - so once again - we set off to "look". The pet stores want a HUGE amount for their dogs. I think the smaller the dog, the bigger the price. So we went to the pound. Pictured above what we came home with... Her name is Elanor (I call her Ellie).

Friday night the girls and I saw "Enchanted" - it was very cute. I liked it more thanI thought I would. D3 wanted to go see her puppy, so I took D1 and D2 to dinner at our mexican place. TBW was bonding with all the dogs... Did I mention how wonderful she is???

Saturday, D1 and D2 left early in the morning. We all met up at the state semi-final football game for D1's school. It was very cold outside. We took lots of blankets. They lost - but played very well. All the D's went home with Dad.

Sunday was full of errands and raking, cooking and laundry... and football watching in between and during. TBW says I pout when the girls leave. I guess I do. I love having them there, and I love spending time alone with TBW. I also dread going back to work... It all just makes me grumpy... I need to get a grip and be thankful for it all! Without being pissy.

This morning, D2 calls me at 8:15 (her bus comes at 7:55) and says she missed the bus. I am already at work, and I am thinking - it takes 5 minutes (10 at most) to walk to school...BUT she is still in the driveway...

First of all admitting: "I missed the bus."
Then the confession: "He told me he would be earlier today."
Then the excuse: "Must have been WAY early."
Then the solution: "Get walking, I'll call school and tell them."
The rebuttal: "But can't I call the neighbor?"
The push over(that is me): "Okay, but hurry. Go knock on her door"
The teenager: "She isn't there (I am sure the knock was very light)."
The arranger(that is me): calls the neighbor, no answer, leave message... "Start walking"
The neighbor: calls when she hears the message, will gladly take her to school.
The teen: walks back, calls again... "no one is out."
The mother: "Try knocking on the door"
The people sitting around me: laughing out loud...

Our South Carolina trip

2007-11-21T13:56:00.000-05:00

We are home from South Carolina. It was a good trip. We got a lot of things done for my Mom and had a great time visiting her and my sister's family. We arrived on Thursday night around six. We got the rental car and some dinner and headed out on the road. We flew skybus to Greensboro and then had a three hour drive. For $30 each way - it was worth it.

My Mom has three bedrooms, so D2 got one room, I got the other and TBW wanted the couch. (well she didn't want it - but my Mom didn't want us sleeping together). First of all, we hate sleeping apart, but there were only twin beds in the two rooms. My Mom has come a long way in accepting TBW and I, so we decided not to push it. We agreed to sneak together and set the alarm so she could go back to her couch. My Mom is tethered to her oxygen, so you can hear her move around because the cords make noise on the kitchen floor. Well, we don't know if she was getting up to check for a "lump" on the couch - or if she was just moving in her bed - but she was constantly moving that flippin' cord. Which made TBW stay put.

Friday late in the morning, my sister, TBW, J (my sister's friend who traveled with us) and myself went to lunch. TBW and I went to run errands for my mom and they went to do their own thing. When we got back home, TBW and I painted the front door (maroon on the front, chocolate on the back) and the railing outside her front steps. D2 went four-wheeling with her cousin and J. Before they left, TBW and I took it for a spin. There are so many back roads and trails around there - it was so much fun. We almost tipped it one time, but made it through. D2 did tip it with J and her cousin on it. Of course they tipped into a thorn bush, so she had some scrapes to show for it. They came back and acted like it was nothing - not until the next day, did she tell me what really happened! They went back out on some flat land after that. We finished up and went to my sister's for dinner.

My Mom's neighbor's came to dinner too. They are a young couple that help take care of her. They get her mail every day and check on her to make sure she is doing okay. They are a God send. They were on their way to Wisconsin to meet her birth mom for the first time. She found her on the internet and hey were excited to meet each other.

Saturday we were up early (after sleeping in our nice arangements) to drive an hour and a half away to see nephew 2 (N2) play in an all-star football game. He is in the 11-12 year old league and they were one game away from the district final. The other team was BIG! Three of their front linemen were taller than the refs. Needless to say, they didn't win, but it was fun to watch him play. TBW made a comment that the fans would never be allowed to cheer in the bubble. They would have all been kicked out within minutes. Like she said - this was a lot of the kid's tickets out of where they are growing up. They take their sports very seriously.

We went into town to find a bar that had the buckeye game on tv. We found an irish pub that had just opened. We all sat at the bar with a guy named "Coach" and had a great lunch and good drinks. The bucks pulled it out and we were all happy (well except TBW - she likes anyone but the buckeyes). We then headed back to our town to change and get ready for the evening.

Saturday night was adult night out. We went to a dueling piano bar. Basically there are two pianos on a stage, they play against each other and the crowd goes wild and sings along. TBW was the designated driver. There were six of us (TBW, J, my sister and her husband, and the coach and his wife). We drank and drank. We attempted to go dancing for a short while - but the shots and drinks caught up to us old folks and we were ready for some substinance... The Waffle House. We laughed and felt like teenagers when we got home - my Mom was waiting up for us in the chair... I did sneak out and make TBW come back to bed with me until 7:00.

Sunday, we spent shopping and eating, doing some more chores and eating dinner at my sister's house again. We were all tired around 8. They are trying to save money, and one of the things that has to wait until surplus funds are available is the grooming of their poodle. He looks cute all scruffy - but tends to get stinky with all of that long hair. J decided she would fix that. She took the scissors and the dog and trimmed his face. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. The dog came running into the room where we were and jumped on my sister's lap. He looked like the lion on the wizard of oz. We were all dying laughing and my sister was none to pleased. J took him back and evened it all out. We never did see the final product, as we left when she was still trimming.

Monday was spent washing all of the sheets, dusting, cleaning, vacuuming, etc. D2 and J went to the beach to walk. TBW and I went to the doctor to get a perscritpion for my Mom. Of course she didn't qualify for the free sample and the medicine cost $96 for one month's supply. Since that is about the 20th medicine she is on, we paid for it. The amount of paperwork and qualifications for an elderly person to receive perscription benefits in this country are astounding. You either have to be so poor the government just takes over or so rich you have money to burn. It is really a disgrace. You work your whole life, save a little money to live off the interest of that savings and they want to take the savings part away from you. I give her credit - she knows the what, where and when of all the meds - how to get them, when to get them, and isn't afraid to ask for samples. We were to leave at 1:00. Prior to us leaving, she gave me my Dad's wedding ring, which is a silver band, to wear. I have it on my middle finger of my right hand. She gave D2 many gold necklaces, which she really seems to enjoy. As we got in the car, she stood on the porch (it looked rather spiffy after it was painted) and waved good bye with tears in her eyes. It was a sad moment. She knows she is never going to get better - and she is giving her things away. They often say you aren't scared of death once it is your turn.

She called me as we were on the road and said that the 19th (that Monday) was her wedding anniversary. She said it was amazing that the day she gave me my Dad's ring was the day she had given itto him. Moments like that can't be planned. For as much as she gets on my nerves sometimes - I hope when I get to be her age - I can handle things like she does. With my own twist of course :)

Happy Birthday to you...

2007-11-13T09:00:00.001-05:00

When we are young, we look forward to our birthday. It is a day we become older, and in most cases closer to some milestone we have set our mind on. A day where every one around us makes us feel special. You get to pass out the papers, be the line leader, sit in the front seat, pick what is for dinner. A day where your parents or those who love you make you feel special. Well, then of course there are the presents. A new bike, new clothes, a video game. If you are lucky, maybe a party with gifts.

As we get older, the day seems to loose its luster. Somewhere along the way it becomes, just another day. Why is that? I tried remembering my earliest birthday. That would be when I was 13 - we won't say what year that was. I remember I had a slumber party and my friends all got to come to the mall with me while I got my ears pierced. I remember my sister wanted to tag along with us and I hated that she wanted to. She is six years younger than me and since I was a "teen", I obviosly didn't need some little girl slowing us down, nosing into our business!

Today is TBW's birthday. We are going to visit my Mom and sister this weekend in South Carolina, so she insisted that the trip be her present. D2 and I went out and got her a couple of things last night along with some cards. As I sit and write this, I can remember how we celebrated her birthday the first year we were together. She was so sick, and we took a weekend trip to a cabin in the Smokey Mountains. She was just diagnosed with Celiac's disease (where your body can't process wheat and gluten). She weighed about 92 pounds. We had the most beautiful weekend together. I loved taking care of her and being with her in our cabin in the mountains. It was definately a special birthday weekend.

I wish I could make every birthday that special for her and for my girls. But sometimes, we are too busy, life doesn't allow you to do things you want to do. It is amazing how you look back on things and realize that how you acted when you were younger has shaped who you are today. We are going to visit that pesky little sister this weekend. She now has a beautiful family of her own. She has embraced TBW and I from the very beginning, without any hesitation. Pretty cool for some annoying little tag-a-long back in 1976 :) She is the best.

To my beautiful partner. I love you with all of my heart. You are my joy. You are my life. You are most definately my soul mate and my other half. This road has not been the easiest path, but hand in hand, heart to heart, it has been the most wonderful experience. It amazes me how we found each other. I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together with many more birthdays to come...

Happy Birthday! I love you!

Sissy?

2007-11-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

Bette Davis said, "Old age is no place for sissies". As I grow older each year and my body starts to ache, I get moles and bumps in places only my Mother had them (and I thought they were totally gross), I need glasses to read the fine print and my body seems to have taken on its own
agenda. I think they call me part of the sandwhich generation. Not only am I dealing with my own aging, I have that of my Mother and the girls to deal with. They are all their own unique stages of life.

For me, I go to the doctor once a year to get checked out by both the gyno and my primary care physician. Other than that, I usually don't have to go in (knock on wood). Yesterday as TBW was telling me about her mammogram and her appointment to have a couple moles removed, she reminded me that I need to do the same. With the arrival of these new moles, I am reminded that I am slowly turning into my Mother. As the circle of life continues, my Mother is turning into my Grandma. So it goes...

My Mom has cocktail hour each night around five. Her cocktail of choice for the past few years has been a gin martini. Well, two or three - depending on the mood. So calling her after five is not advisable. So, last night as we were watching a show, my phone rings. It is Mom. She rented a movie that I had recommended and couldn't get her DVD player to work. I had bought her the dvd player a few years ago, but she hadn't used it yet. Now, my sister lives a mile away from her and I live 800 miles away, so I wondered why the call. She had the dvd in, but it just said the movie title and "play" was underlined. I was impressed because I thought the hard part would be getting the dvd on, switched over from the tv - she had that part done. So through 20 minutes of slurred conversation and button pushing - we were getting nowhere. I told her she needed new batteries in her remote and I would have to look at it when I came next week to visit. TBW and I were getting ready for bed and the phone rings again. "I don't have batteries in my remote" was the first thing out of her mouth. I told her that would pose a problem. She then assured me there WAS a "play" button on the front of the DVD player, but hers was labeled "78". (Who knows what it really says...) She was very happy she figured all of this out, but now she was too tired to watch the movie...

On the other end of the spectrum, I had parent teacher conferences with D2's teachers last night. She is doing well and we are so proud of her. She would freak though if she knew that her comm arts (that is the new term for english these days) teachers have noticed her new found love with a certain boy. They actually knew his name. They said she is so cute and they look so cute together. They just so happen to sit together in a corner and the teachers have noticed the the mutual attraction growing from both of them. They said she has a constant smile on her face and she seems to be so happy. She did confide in me a few weeks go about her feelings for this boy - but she was so sure no one knew about it. Sometimes you just can't hide it. Hopefully they'll keep tabs on it and can switch the seats if a break up happens...

As I turned out the light, I got a text from my sister saying that my Mom had gotten mad at her because her instructions were not clear. As we go from day to day, I just think, "Life is not for sissies!"

Time...

2007-11-07T09:30:00.000-05:00

Why does time seem to pass so quickly? We currently have D2 living with us. She is 13. She is not a morning person. She is caught between being a child dependent on her Mom and a teen who wants her independence. Sometimes when those two worlds collide, I think I am going to loose it. TBW is always there reminding me that "this too shall pass".

It is fun to see life through her eyes and realize that you don't have the pressure of actually living through the teen-angst first hand anymore. The wonder of the first kiss (and more)... The thrill of just talking to someone you like, finding out they like you. Getting asked to dance... Then the heartache, the breakup, getting dumped.

I was driving the girls home the other night and they were sitting in the back seat and talking about things. I love to listen. Just listen. For middle schoolers (in the bubble at least) "going out" is equivalent to "boyfriend/girlfriend". That includes dating, (although no one is really allowed to do that yet) as well as talking on the phone and the occassional dance. This conversation was centered around the dance they had just left where a breakup ensued. Now the girl and this guy barely knew each other - but she was devastated none the less. Those are the moments that I don't miss. But I realized that the support and kindness of a good friend can get anyone through anything.

D2 is my most compassionate daughter. She sometimes seems to have a wisdom and caring well beyond her 13 years. We were eating dinner the other night and she said out of the blue... "I don't like the way D1 is treating you". To which I said, "I don't either, but I am at a loss at what to do." She didn't skip a beat, and said, "Sometimes you will have to let go, to get her back." Now I have talked at length to TBW about what to do about D1 and her feelings for TBW and I. We had come to the same conclusion. It was just reaffirming to get the unsolicited opinion of D2. As I was writing this, I got a call that my cousin's husband, who was 52, died the other day. Sometimes, I feel like life is too short to let things go - even if it is the best thing. What if we don't have enough time? But I guess, all we can do, is the best we can while we are here... and hopefully we will have enough time to work it all out.

A new beginning...

2007-11-02T10:24:00.000-04:00

I started this blog to help me de-stress and document my life. So when I am gone, my girls will have some what of an understanding of who I really am and what I am going through. It has been a rough couple of years for me, for them and for TBW. I realized the other day, that if I died tomorrow - many things would be left unhealed, unexplained and untold. Since my divorce a little over two years ago, I tried to do things the best way I knew how. We all do that. Sometimes it is right, sometimes it is wrong - and sometimes it just is. As I sit in my cubbie at work, I think about things in my life and wonder what I could do to make things easier, not so stressful, not so much guilt... I am like anyone, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes the mountain is easy to climb and sometimes I can't seem to get up the base. My whole life I have done what is expected of me. What was an unwritten path of what I was supposed to do. What makes some of us go the path we are "supposed to" and some of us stray the complete opposite? risk? adventure? pay back? Who knows?

As a child, I was very confident in myself. Why is it as we grow older, we loose that confidence and put so much credit on what other's think or even what we think other's think? When we are in kindergarten, we talk to everyone, play with everyone and nothing outside the fact that you are together matters. We gradually loose that as we get older. I did everything my parents wanted me to. I treated adults with respect, and I did my homework, and didn't stray too far off the expected path. I only applied to one college and quite frankly it was one that I was told that was "easy". Why? I knew when my parents pulled away in their car it wasn't a fit for me. It was 300 miles away from my home and considered a commuter college. There I was - stuck - going into computer science. Why computer science? Because my Dad said it was the up and coming thing - where the money would be. I wanted to make money - lots of it. So, with no interest in mind, I got a degree in computer science. After finishing college, I married the only guy I ever really dated. Not that he was a bad guy, he was my best friend. But it was the next logical step. The thought of having a sexual relationship scared the hell out of me. Yet I did it. Looking back on my life, I wouldn't change anything, but I see where I didn't have the confidence in myself. When I interviewed for my first job out of college - I interviewed for one job. I was made an offer and I took it. It was a huge company and I didn't really know what I would be doing - but I took it. Mainly because it was a respected name in the computer world. I see now that I never took the time to see what would be the best fit for me, never gave myself options... Next up, after grad school for me and med school for the X, was obviously kids... I wanted to be the best mom in the world. I enjoyed being pregnant with all three of my girls. It was awonderful feeling. Having them and raising them was, and is, the most wonderful part of my life. They were and are one of the most important aspects of my life - a true gift.

So... after meeting TBW and feeling something so deep in my soul, such a connection and such a need to be with her, so much became clear. I had questioned my sexuality for years. There had to be a reason that sex wasn't the same for me as it was for my friends. The intimacy and desires I felt with her, far exceeded anything I had ever felt before. My father passed away when I was in my third year of college. Thinking about him, I realized that life was way too short and you only go around once. It was time to quit doing what was expected of me and to be the strong person I am. To be a role model for my girls - to break the cycle of doing things without exploring them. To be who you are. I didn't want to settle anymore - not me, not my kids... I guess once again I was naive. I thought I could do this, the girls would be fine, the X would find someone new and TBW and I would just move on and we would all adjust to how things are...

It is amazing that in this day and age, being gay is still such a stigma. For me, not only with society, but with the X, and my girls. Is it easier for kids to be accepting when they are raised from birth with two moms or two dads? TBW's kids both accepted our relationship and are very accepting - but is it because they are older (grown and on their own)? D2, who lives with us right now, is very accepting of us. D3 has her moments and D1 is just flat out against it. Why is it so hard to just be who you are in this world? That is my goal. I want my girls and TBW's kids to just accept things and live our lives with us. I want to love them and take care of them. I want them to share in the beautiful love that we have found. I want to be a part of their lives as much as we can be. I want them to know they are loved and wanted by both the X and his wife and TBW and myself. We are on this journey together - forever - and in the end I know it will be worth it. Each day is a new beginning. A new acceptance. Some days are good, and some are bad - but nomatter what, we have each other. The petty things in life don't mean jack. Being loved, being who you are, enjoying and being thankful for where we are at this moment... Is priceless.

bubble treats

2007-11-01T16:40:00.000-04:00

Trick or treat in the bubble was pretty light. We had about 30 kids. that is it! I think we have 3 pounds of candy left over... The boys got one of the pumpkins and pulled it down the front porch steps. 4:00 in the morning we woke to the dog gagging on pumpkin. Luckily TBW got up to clean it up. I just lent morale support with the pillow over my head! he he... I really missed having the other two D's here with me.

I loved trick or treat night when I was a little girl. We would eat dinner early and be ready to go as soon as it got dark. We started at one tip of the neighborhood and didn't stop until we went to every house. It usually took the full two hours. Our first stop was always Mr. S across the street. He gave the full sized candy bars. Early stoppers got the pick of the basket. I hated it when people had the nerve to not be home. We eagerly went through the stash once we got home. Sorting, trading and eating... The next day, someone always took my bag and put it with my sister's. At least I had the one night where it was all mine!

Wonder whats the dealeo on trick or treating in the bubble. Is it that the kids don't want to walk around just for a miniture sized snickers? Their parent's won't let them have candy? They can't put down the xbox remote? Who knows. It sure was not like the old days!

The Purple Nerf

2007-10-25T17:10:00.000-04:00

Football fever is gearing up as the collegiate teams are getting into the meat of their seasons. It was on the news this morning and got me thinking about football and how I used to play all the time when I was in grade school. Of course we played with a purple nerf. It was my purple nerf and the game couldn't start until I got there. Such power. I loved that football. It was used so much that it eventually got a hole in it where the psuedo strings were. I often carried it with my finger stuck in the hole. We played before school and during recess. There were only two girls who played. Me and a girl a year older, who could outrun every one in the school - girl or boy. Our games were just two-hand touch. We always had a blast. Our school was in front of an old train depot, which was down about 25 feet, past this concrete wall. When the ball would slide through the iron fence that kept us away from the drop, there were three boys that liked to scale the tree vines to go get the ball. This also provided us amusement. They thought they were some kind of super hero and they acted up when the went for it. I always wanted to be as fast as Maria (the older, faster runner girl) - she was my idol. We were cool - we both wore red converse - chuck taylor style. They matched our red plaid uniforms so well. Of course we had to wear shorts under our uniforms - in case we were running so fast it would fly up. Yeah right - in case the boys we played with decided to pull up our skirts to see what was under there...

Those were fun times. I love a good pick up game of touch football. Wish we could have one soon. I need to get some red chuck taylor's though...

What is for dinner?

2007-10-24T18:39:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get tired of thinking of things to make for dinner? I sure do. You spend the time preparing it all and making sure everyone can get together to eat. Sometimes even that is hard to do. Then they all sit down, eat in five minutes and zoommm.... They are off to a practice or to do their homework or to get back onto the computer. The dinner conversation leads to a lot of one word answers.

"How was school?"
"Good"
"What did you learn?"
"Nothing"
"How was soccer practice?"
"Good"...

Then as I am cleaning up the mess, I hear them on the phone.
"Oh my gosh, did you see so and so today in math class? She was in so much trouble. She didn't even know the answers. That was so embarassing how she got caught passing a note to Emily..."

Sometimes I think I need a fun little AIM name - sOcCeRQT4U - or something to get them to talk to me. That would never work though - because I don't know the whole AIM language that they do. I am sure I would be busted in no time. "IDK my BFF Jill!"

I am lucky tonight though. TBW is cooking dinner - but I will appreciate it very much... and will even help her clean up the mess. Plus... I'll definately give her a big tip later - just sayin'

Tidbit Tuesday

2007-10-23T17:01:00.000-04:00

When you say the word "lesbian", a picture comes to mind and for most people it is quite different. Apparently there are a ton of different adjectives to describe us - dyke, lipstick lesbian, butch, femme... It is amazing we seem to have various cultures with our culture...

The discussion of flannel came up on RSG's blog and it got me to thinking... People associate flannel with a lesbian. Now I don't wear flannel - but I love our flannel sheets in the winter time. I've never known anyone to have a mullet either. But then again - I am quite sheltered and I don't know too many other lesbians. We have one other lesbian couple that we do things with and one night we ranked each other in who looks the most lesbian... Out of the 4 people, I came in second. I wonder if folks in the straight world who now speculate that I am gay, sit back and say "ahhh ha - I knew it..." or is more like, "that suprises me...". I am not gonna get a mullet and wear flannel just to let them know. I like a little element of mystery...

Luckily, last night our dogs slept through the night. Saturday night, one of them had the squirts all over the bedroom floor. Luckily for me I had gone in to lay down with D3 and I must have dozed off because I didn't hear the steam cleaner going at full speed. Then Sunday in the middle of the night, I thought I heard rain, looked out the window - clear - and realized the other one was peeing. He started on my side of the bed, made a nice swirl pattern to get to the door (when I yelled at him to quit) and then just couldn't hold the rest of it in... That steam cleaner sure got a work out. Nothing like a good squirt and pee party at 3 in the morning... TBW (The Beautiful Wife) got the short end of the stick on that one. I think if I would have had her shift - there would have been more to clean up... Just sayin...

Rainy Monday

2007-10-22T17:54:00.000-04:00

It is raining here in the bubble - so much for mowing the grass :) My beautiful wife (mbw) took care of things for me this weekend while I ran around with the kids. Yesterday was non-stop coming and going. She cooked, cleaned, did the laundry and ironed - I am so lucky - she takes good care of me.

Last week a few kids were suspended from D2's school for cheating on a national standards test. You know the one they teach their classes towards, so your kid places better in high school. She didn't know the details - that is my girl - lost in her own thoughts - doing her own thing. These kids are the "popular" ones. They have been in various bits of trouble - with what they have been putting on myspace and AIM, etc - before. Their parents don't believe that they could be that mean or would ever do those things. Wake up people! I know my daughter isn't a saint and eventually she is going to do something stupid. Hopefully it won't be life-threatening, like driving while intoxicated - but I am not naive about what goes on in middle and high school. If my daughter was caught more than once - I think I would have to accept that something is wrong. I have to admit - the girls left on the volleyball team this weekend were carefree, smiling and having a great time. Something I have yet to see this year.

I was suspended once in high school. My best friend was a cheerleader. She had received flowers at the beginning of the game, and had asked me to take them out to the car. While I was out there putting them away so they wouldn't get messed up - two of my friends were in the front seat. They asked me to pass a beer up - and I did. As I handed it to them, an officer's flashlight was on my face... Busted. Now, I definately was not drinking at the time - but I did have a beer on the way to the game... I was suspended for three days. My parents had to come pick me up. My Mom came. My Dad was playing poker with the "old ladies" - she said she could handle it. The next morning I had to tell him what happened. He told me I wasn't going to be punished because the suspension was punishment enough. I had my reputation to make up, tests that I would miss, and it was on my permanent record. Worst of all in my mind - was that I couldn't play in the district finals for basketball. Like he said - it was all punishment enough. Word got out that I wasn't really drinking - so I was allowed to take the tests that I missed - but I still missed my basketball game and it was on my permanent record. It scared me for quite a while - I don't think I drank again until after I graduated high school.

Somehow, since these kids' parent's don't believe they did anything wrong - I don't believe they had a life changing experience... You never know. Time will tell. I will say one thing - this has caused quite the talk amongst the bubble folk...

TGIF...

2007-10-19T16:12:00.000-04:00

What a long week... Why does time go so quickly when you are at home and so slowly during work hours? Daughter number 2, has been in a great mood all day. One of the girls from her school and who is on her volleyball team moved in down the street today. I just pumped the tires up on their bikes and they were planning all kinds of things to do... watching movies, riding to the UDF to get milkshakes, getting online. I have often wondered, especially when we first moved to the bubble, why kids just don't go out and play anymore. Everything always has to be a "play date" that is scheduled by someone. When we first moved here, about 14 years ago, Daughter number 1 was 2 years old. I was the only one sitting out in my chair watching her play outside. All other kids were in the house. Even as she got older and her sisters came along, there were no pick up games of kickball, basketball or tag. We lived on a cul-de-sac and we were the only ones out riding bikes, drawing with chalk, riding in the barbie jeep.

I remember when I was little. We had a "field" (it was really someone's side yard, but big enough for us to play) in our neighborhood. There were no calls that had to be made when we got home to make sure so and so would be there - you just rode your bike if you were allowed and showed up. You picked teams and you played. Didn't really matter what - mattered more what kind of ball we had to play with. We always knew when the one kid's mom called him for dinner - how many minutes we had before we had to get back to eat at our house. When dinner was over - it was "game on" once again until dark.

Not so much in the bubble. More so here where we live now. Our new house is also on a cul-de-sac, but we live on one of the ends. Now, it is the adults that meet up in the street each night after dinner to talk. They all have younger kids and they all play together. But you can tell - they are mixed between the world of arranged play dates and just showing up!

I'm glad daughter number 2 has found a friend. You never know - she might venture out and actually make a few friends while milling about. And none of it will be arranged by me!

Let's get going...

2007-10-18T16:20:00.000-04:00

Well - I have been threatening to start writing a blog for a long time - so I'm just gonna do it. Hopefully it will be theraputic for me and entertaining for others. I know my life sure is... At least the rumors that I hear about it are. We live in the bubble. Better known as suburbia. A quiet, conservative, midwestern town. Not really an environment for two women - and not known for its lesbian culture. We're having a go at it. The neighbors don't care. Well - most of them don't. We do have an uptight family across the street - but the rest of them are all cool about it.

Why do we stay here you ask? Well, up until two years ago, I was married to my former husband and this is where we were raising our 3 children. We decided to keep their lives as close to "normal" as possible. I know you are wondering - how is a late in life lesbian keeping things normal. I guess normal is a state of mind. I hope to use this blog to tell my story, to get to know others who are like me and to just have some fun. Since I don't think I'll find many "sisters" in the bubble - I thought it would be fun to move the bubble...

I was driving home from work yesterday and was trying to recall the first signs that I knew I was gay. They say you just know. For me - not so much - because being gay was never an option. I often wonder... How did others know?