Go Team!

Last night, D2 and I went to see D1 play basketball. The drive is about 45 minutes, so I had time to spend with D2, just the two of us. Her attitude lately has been a bit gruff, to say the least. During the ride over, I could tell she had her normal attitude, so we didn't talk much. If I ask her a question, I am being nosey, if I make a statement, I am being too sensitive. I did laugh because after she gave me a bunch of tone, her friend called and she was sweet as pie! When we got there, I wanted to take some pictures of D1, and D2 decided she was going to sit at the top row of the bleachers where it was dark. I asked her why she was sitting there, and her reply was, "I like the dark." I went down about 10 rows and sat by myself. Her Dad came in sometime after the game started and went and sat with her. He later came back down and asked me what was wrong with D2. I said, "She is 13". Secretly, I was happy she had the same attitude towards him...

It was a good game and I enjoy watching all of my girls play their sports. D1 came and sat with me for a while after the JV game, and we got caught up on things. She is going to a dance this weekend and she has a date! She has been going to the tanning bed and she needs a new dress! Ahhh... the essentials. I am happy for her and hope she has a great time. I miss having her around, but her switching schools was the best thing for her. It makes me happy that she saw an opportunity and she took it. When she left me, she went up and gave her sister a hug and sat with her for a minute. D2 and I left after the first quarter of the varsity game.

On the way home, D2 was finally her old self. Apparently last Saturday, after D1's game, she was hurt by the fact that D1 didn't say anything to her at all. That was when the attitude had started. We talked a little about it, but I didn't want to push too much. She'll talk more as the week continues. Amazing what a hug from a loved one can do for you.

I missed TBW while I was gone. I came home and she was in bed with all three dogs surrounding her. At least she had someone protecting her and keeping her company. I am sure they didn't have a "tone" with her, just non-stop movement and puppy play!

no box to check

Yesterday, TBW had her appointment with the orthopedic guy. This particular practice is huge. We checked in and went into this waiting area that was as big as most doctor's offices that I have been in. She was given two forms to fill out requesting the normal medical information. As I was filling in the information, I came to the "marital status" box. I asked her what she wanted me to pick. The choices were: married, single, widowed, divorced. She said, "Write in, living with partner". So I did. Got to the second form, and on that one, there were no choices listed, it just said, "Marital status" and a blank line. I thought it should be left blank because that is what we qualify for - nothing. She told me to write it in again. Her new cast is a beauty... She had him make it like a candy cane. She is so beautiful and feastive.

We have gotten a few cards in the mail already and all of them include TBW - which is cool. Since we never really had an official "coming out", it is interesting to see. We have always said we don't want to take out a billboard, but we want to be seen as a couple. To your real friends, being who we are doesn't matter. This is our third holiday season in the bubble and life is finally settling in around us as a couple. I normally include a picture of the girls in our cards, but getting them all together, looking picture ready, might be a difficult task this year. I am sure we will come up with something.

In the meantime, my emergency contact is TBW, and we are "none-of-the-above", but one day we hope to be married...

part 3

The end of the school year was days away, and we had a ton of work to do on the dvd. My thoughts were constantly consumed with how I felt about this woman. The faceless woman of my dreams now had a face. I had never in my life felt the way I did when I was with her. Being with her seemed like an impossibility, but trying to not let anything happen was a force that was getting harder to fight. We put together the most incredible dvd and she sent them out to each child in her classroom.

Summer had started and we would meet early in the mornings to walk around our lake, at a nearby park. It was during those walks that we decided that being without each other was not an option. This was a huge step for both of us. I still don't know where I got the courage - I would assume finding your soulmate and being so in love helped. It was a difficult summer. Finding time to be together was very tough, and almost impossible, she had to go through mediation with the other teachers to solve how they were going to progress for the next school year, I had to be away on vacation for 10 days, dealing with our kids, the X's, etc. It was very tough. We decided to move in together near the end of the summer when my X had the kids in Michigan for a long weekend.

I have glossed over a lot of the details which were very painful, but they formed who we are today. While many of the details will remain unsaid and in the past, the fact that TBW was
drastically loosing weight won't. She was developing severe stomach problems and they appeared to be getting worse with each passing week. Summer was coming to a close, and we were becoming settled in our apartment. The girls were adjusting to the divorce - and we seemed to be moving along with life. A couple of days before the new school year, we went to set up TBW's office. I didn't do much - other than help her carrythings into her room. We had told the girls that financially I needed a roommate and that TBW needed a place to stay. Just "coming out" in the bubble, given the lives we led, wasn't feasible. We needed to develop a
"strategy". The day before school, I took the girls in to meet their teachers. We went back to the apartment afterwards and I was getting our computers set up and the phone rang. TBW told me to come pick her up because she had just been fired. I thought she was joking - based on what had been going on with her and how she talked on the phone with her teacher friends. She wasn't joking. Apparently, her aide was fired at the end of the previous school year due to the problems mentioned prior. She apparently had thought that TBW was the reason for her getting fired. So, she marched into the office and told the principal that TBW was not married either and she too was living with someone. She figured tit for tat.

I have never felt so much sadness for someone. Teaching is her passion and she is amazing at it. She was devastated. They wanted her to sign papers stating that she quit and she refused. This is how they had fired many in the past. If you didn't sign, they would give no further recommendations and you were basically screwed. The priest told her something about how she was "immoral and she defaced the C* church". She fought back, but the meetings with the union, and her lawyer basically left her without a job because of the endless supply of money backing the church. Luckily for her, parent's of students heard and a few of them offered her a job if she wanted it. She took one of the jobs and is still working there today.

It was the final blow of being fired that sent TBW's stomach into total chaos. With no insurance for 30 days after starting her new job, she waited to go to the doctor (also a Mom at the bubble school) as long as possible. At this point, we figured she had stomach cancer. She was in a
size 4 and they only stayed up with the help of a belt. She was finally diagnosed with celiac's disease. That is the body's inability to process wheat and gluten, etc. So, everything you do to calm a queasy stomach (chicken noodle soup, crackers, etc) was making her more sick. She passed out at work, and tore the ligaments in her foot, which put her on crutches. Problem was, she wasn't strong enough to pull herself along on the crutches. Finally one Tuesday night, we had the girls, and I went up to bed, and found her on the bathroom floor, her limbs were frozen and she was barely concious. I wasn't taking no for an answer again, we were going to the hospital. I bypassed normal doctor protocol, and called the doc at home. I emailed the doc she worked for, who was online, and as soon as the X got there, we carried her to the car. Of course it was pouring rain, we loaded her up, and walked into the ER, and both docs had arranged for
her to go straight into a room. Basically her body was shutting down, she had no potassium, magnesium or calcium left in her body (because everything she ate shot right out of her). She was so close to death, and it was very scary.

So, in a huge nutshell, that is how she got to where she is today. We have both gained back her weight :) and she can't get a recommendation to teach in this area. We have made it through so
much. Just recapping it has brought back many more details which I didn't go into, but it is amazing that we made it through it all. She has often said, that as devastating as it all was, she would do it again in a heartbeat. I would too, but I would also like to see her teach again. They need her and she needs them. I need her too... She is my other half...

part two...

When I would go into the class room, I noticed she had an instance of AIM up on her computer. I noticed this, and one night I decided to send her a message. Our friendship grew and over the
computer, you could talk about anything. Before leaving for spring break, I took her a case of coke and a bag of m&ms. We talked for a while, but she soon kicked me out so she could do her
report cards. She told me to "instant message" her if I got online during our vacation. We were going to Florida for the week. Each day when I came in from the beach or pool, I would take the laptop, login and hope she would be on. I can still remember how excited I would be to see her logged in. I must confess, while I spent time on the beach, or at the pool, my thoughts would often drift to her. In my mind the relationship was an impossibility, but it was just my thoughts - so I let them go. Each afternoon, while everyone was out in the sun, I would hurry in to see if she was there. We talked of everything. A lot of which was cryptic. Kinda flirty. I told her there were things in my past that might shock her. She obviously wanted to know what. I told her I would tell her later. She then made a confession to me. She wasn't really married to the man she was living with. She said people just preceived that she was, but they were just living together. We talked about things, revealing more and more as each day progressed. The day before we were to leave to drive home, she sent me a message with her phone number in it. She told me to call her if I was bored in the car. We talked for hours.

When we returned to town, we continued to talk on the phone each day after school was over. It was only for a short period of time, usually while I was walking the dog. Always when I was running around taking the kids to practice, etc. We would message each other later in the evening when the kids were in bed. She always got off the computer around ten to take her bath. During those conversations we revealed so much to each other. Things I had never told anyone else, I had told her and vice versa. One of my big things that I told her was that I had
had a relationship with a girl. For reasons beyond my control, I wanted her to see inside of me, to know me - I can look back on it now and know that she is my soulmate - but who knew at the time.

The weekend before my birthday, I told her I was going to go to the auction and asked her if she would like to come with me. She said she would. I picked her up, we went to the auction and then to dinner after at a pub. We sat in the car prior to going in for dinner, and we talked more. As we talked, we sort of held hands. I had turned my head away, and she asked why I was crying. Now I don't cry in front of people, and there was just a tear in my eye, which she couldn't see (it was dark, and my left eye). I told her I wasn't crying. She said, "You aren't happy in your relationship are you?" To which I was dumbfounded. No one had ever knew me well enough to even have a hint about that. I had hidden it so well from everyone. Of course we talked for a while and just grew closer. I had revealed more to her than any other living person, but so much of it was just things she "knew".

The weekend of my birthday we had them (she and her "other half") over for a cookout. After it was over, the X said to me, "You have a relationship with her that is more intimate than anything you have ever had with me." I blew it off and said he was crazy. It was nearing the end of the school year, and we had a ton of work to do on the dvd. I liked that because it meant we would have to work together. Her other half was out of town one weekend and I went over to visit. We were going to go to dinner, but she was going through all this stuff at school - so she was constantly on the phone with her friends discussing the trauma and drama. I thought she would never get off the phone.

Let me do a sidebar and tell what was happening at school. TBW worked with four other teachers and she also had an aide. The other teachers were all young and fresh out of school. Through the entire year, they were very mean to her, excluding her, talking behind her back, and anything she suggested, they didn't want to do. It was awful. They were reprimanded by the principal when they were caught talking out loud about her in the staff lounge. They had to have a mediator come in to help the 5 of them work together. Instead of dealing with the problem, the principal (from here on called FA - for fat ass) let it go on. The school basically had "the older teachers" in the upper hall (4-8) and "the younguns" in the lower hall (k-3). They were at odds. Along with those fine examples of christian role models, you have TBW's aide. She was a neighbor of mine, who I had known since my youngest was in first grade. Her story was this... Someone called her at school one day and told her her husband was cheating on her, and it went downhill from there. TBW listened to her, gave her guidance and helped her as much as she could. They separated, and her aide wanted to start dating an old college fling (small world, the man was my tennis coach and the big comfy country club). TBW told her to be discreet about it (she wasn't yet fully divorced). The aide and she had a bond because both of their "others" were black. She also had told her that she wasn't really married to D. It was the only other person at school that knew that (well I did at that point). As the year went on and the antics from the other teachers continued, the aide was getting closer and closer to getting her teaching degree. She would often be absent from the room, and was always "chatting" with the parents about her situation.

So, back to that night. She got off the phone and I was almost asleep on the couch. She came and laid beside me. We held each other and it was so incredible. I finally had to leave. Nothing more happened. It was the most romantic feeling I had ever experienced. It was amazing...

to be continued again...

Ready for the holidays?

TBW is hurting. Her wrist is all wrapped up, but still hurts her very much. I love taking care of her, but being the independent person she is, she sometimes gets frustrated with it all. It is fun getting her dressed in the morning... Not so much for her. Wool sweaters aren't very giving, turtlenecks would go over her arm, but pulling them on, hurts. (we'll cut the right arm off a couple tonight - since she freezes in her cubby - and she has 5 more weeks, at least, to go). Pants, socks... bra :) - they require two hands. I know it is frustrating. It had to happen to her right hand, which is her dominate hand, and in the winter, when layers of clothes are required. I guess in the summer, the driveway wouldn't be slippery with snow...

Waiting in line last night to get her prescription, we were discussing whether or not we should put her on my insurance. There is a "domestic partner" option listed, but I need to find out what I need to do to "prove" that and what the additional cost would be. Her insurance is free through her employer, but she is responsible for 10%. That seems reasonable, but a simple test, like a bone scan now costs thousands. Which in turn ends up costing her hundreds. Her ER copay was $150. Suddenly it adds up. I'd hate to see the bill if she had to be admitted to the hospital. We won't get on the cost of healthcare and prescriptions in this country - or this blog entry will be endless. I need to decide if I am going to stay where I am working, or try to find something else. Then we will pursue it based on our decision there.

We haven't started our Christmas shopping. Guess we aren't feeling the pressure yet :) This will be the first year TBW's daughter won't be home. She lives in Denver now. It is her first year in the working world. She is hoping to work over the holidays to get the overtime pay. I hope we can fly her home sometime soon though. I keep waiting to get into the spirit of the season... The snow is helping, but I am still not quite all there. Maybe a little eggnog and mistletoe...

Taking care of business

As did a lot of the country - we got our first "big" snow. When our alarm goes off in the morning, we have a routine. TBW takes Ellie outside to go to the bathroom, and then I take the bigger boys out and then I pack the lunches for us and feed them. Today, TBW came in, snow all over, holding her arm. She had slipped on the driveway and landed on her arm. So, like Laverne and Shirley, we got her dressed. Me helping her put her pants on, combing her hair and putting on her makeup. She normally takes the boys to "daycare" (that would be our friend David, who keeps them during the day) since it is on her way to work. We barely got her coat on (because heaven forbid she be "late" for work) and her arm was hurting and it was starting to swell...

Luckily, she works in the building adjoined to the hospital. She just got back to her desk. Her wrist bone is cracked. Her wrist is in a soft cast and she has to go to the orthopedic in 5 days. They said it would take about 6-8 weeks to heal. She said she is in pain. I bet she is. Knowing her, she will put her full day in and won't miss a beat.

D2 had a basketball scrimmage last night. It is going to be a long season. Oh the teenage years. I was so happy I wasn't coaching them. Every mistake they made, they giggled about it. Everything was funny. As a coach, that would drive me nuts. They are just not an overly athletic bunch of girls. Luckily, the boys from their class, that practice after them, didn't come inside to watch, or I am sure the antics would have been bigger than what they were.

Prior to leaving for the scrimmage, I gave D2 the five minute warning. (She moves at her own pace, and when you end up being late, it is always because of me :)) She spouted something in a "tone" back to me. When it was time to leave, she mumbled that she would be waiting in the car. Two minutes later, she stomped back in and said the doors were locked. (My side was open, she just had to flip the unlock button - but I am sure that would have not added to her drama-fest). TBW said if she were her daughter, she'd be sitting in the car for a while, missing her practice. While I agree that she shouldn't talk to me that way, doing that was a little extreme. Esepecially for me. I am all for developing a back bone, but let's not go to the extremes!

About a 1/2 hour into the scrimmage, the red-faced D2, who was sitting against the wall with other girls who weren't playing at the time, loudly said, "Get my water." No "please"..., no warmth in her voice..., and definately a lot of attitude. I was talking to an old neighbor and friend, and I asked her if she thought I should get it. She said, "I wouldn't if I were you." So I sat there, and D2 just looked incredulous. It was kinda fun.

After the game, she was ready to go. Now, I didn't realize until later, but she probably doesn't want any of the boys to see how she looks after practice, but I was saying good bye to the other parents - she came back in and was ready to go! When we got in the car - she let loose. I let her rant for about a mile and then I had had enough. I lectured for a while and then we drove in silence the rest of the way home. She eventually surfaced around 9:30 for dinner - fixing herself a nice bowl of cereal. Not saying a word to me. At ten, when I was ready to go upstairs, she asked if I would "help her get her bath ready". This was her way of breaking the silence and letting me know she was ready to move on. I got the water going, added the bubbles, and kissed her forehead. I told her to come get me when she was ready for bed and I would tuck her in.

Sometimes, you just have to vent.
Sometimes, you just need a bubble bath.
Fortunately, you always need your Mom.

Sometimes, you get hurt.
Somefimes, you are in pain.
Fortunately, as long as I live, I will always be here to take care of you.

weekend and our story

The weekend was good, but as usual, it went too quickly. The rains came in and lasted all of Sunday. Twelve paws traipsing in the rain and mud make for a messy floor. TBW informed me that the swifter pad goes on with the "lettered" side against the velcro. Whatever... Sometimes it is just better if I don't mop the floor. We are both awaiting the colder weather, to freeze the ground, so the muddy prints go away. We are well on the way - there was a small dusting of snow this morning.

We put up our tree this weekend. It is the first year in I can't remember when, that I haven't had a real tree. We figured since we have three dogs playing on every stretch of bare carpet, that this might be a little less of a mess and we can put the tree money towards present purchases. It looks nice. We will put the ornaments on next weekend when the girls are all home. D2 is ready to put them on now though.

I have previously mentioned that I have journaled since the early eighties. The two years that I didn't was when I went through my divorce and met TBW. Now those two years could be a book in itself and when it is all told, you'll realize why there was no time. It was all so unreal, so fantastic, so heartbreaking, so scary, so - you name it - that I thought I could never forget the details. Yet thinking back on it - I am sure I have. So I want to chronicle that part of our lives too.

Like so many of our stories, I am sure you can read it and be amazed that we made it through - together. And then again, you may wonder how we didn't end up on the J*err*y S*pri*ng*er show...

Part One

I was married in 1985. I won't detail that much, but let's just say this... The boudoir activities were not what I expected, not my cup of tea so to speak. We did have three wonderful girls in 1991, 1994 and the last in 1998. My life revolved around them and their schedules. I never let on to anyone what I really felt. I would listen to my friends talk about their relationships with their husbands - I just wasn't there. We were friends, we weren't lovers. As you can imagine, this often caused a riff between us.

I often dreamed about this person who completed me in so many ways... and it was a woman. She never had a face. I just loved to dream about her. I had always done what was expected of me and lived the life that my parents wanted me to, what I was expected to do.

When D3 was in first grade, I went to curriculum night at school. At this point in my life, I had left my job of 17 years to stay home with the kids. I played tennis four times a week, and took them where they needed to be. I guess some said I had it made. By this time in my life, I was over the games and the politics involved at the bubble school. I had gone through it with D1 and decided with D2 I would play along, as needed, but by the time D3 came around - I was done playing. So, I walked into that curriculum night, in my khaki shorts, sweatshirt, tennis shoes and a baseball cap. I was out of place with the Mom's in their heels, desinger apparel, coiffed hair and bling bling bling. The woman talking in front of the room was striking. She spoke with confidence and you could tell the status didn't affect her one bit.

I was able to watch her talk and was happy she was who D3 got for a teacher. I had heard she was strict, but that her teaching ability was amazing. She was known for having her class excel in their studies and more importantly she taught them to respect adults as well as one another, and to work hard for what they wanted.

In the bubble school, in order to do anything with the kids, you have to be finger printed and take a course on molestation. This was a new policy, and many of the parents hadn't done so yet. I had to get it done the year before because I was coaching D1 and D2. It was time to go on the first field trip to the apple orchard. In order for you to sign up to chaperone, you had to have those two things done. I thought I might have a chance. There are always 20 volunteers for each 2 spots available. D3 told me that they were picking out of a hat to see who could go. She was so excited when she came home and told me I was picked.

I love taking pictures, I always have. So I loaded up my camera and we were off to the orchard. The other Mom chosen to go was nice, and low key like I was. I should have suspected something then, but I didn't. We went through the orchard and I took lots of pictures. The teacher told me she didn't like her picture taken. Being the rebel I was :) I took a few of her anyways. When we sat down for lunch, the kids sat in a circle and I sat with the other Mom. The teacher joined us, and we chatted. I can still remember what she had to eat. (A lunchable nachos and cheese, cheez' its and a coke). It was fun talking to her.

After we got back to the school, she asked me to email her the pictures so she could put them in her monthly newsletter. I told her if she was interested, we could put together a dvd at the end of the year summarizing all that the kids did in her class through pictures. Weeks went by and it was time for our parent-teacher conference. At the time, they scheduled them for the whole school during a five hour window. Each conference was to last 10 minutes. I had three kids to get through. I waited outside her door and I could see through the window that the Dad in there was getting animated - so I didn't want to interrupt. My time was soon up, so I just moved on to the next conference. I sent her an email telling her that I was there, but decided whatever she was discussing with them was more important than my conference - since I didn't have anything really to discuss with her about D3. I then said if she wanted to talk about D3, maybe we could do it over margaritas. Re-reading this, it sounds like I was flirting an awful lot - I wasn't really - honest. Although subconciously maybe I was...

Time just went on. I came in frequently to take pictures of the various activities. It was so much fun being with D3 during the day, getting to know the kids and getting to know her. When I look back on it now, I also liked watching her teach. I hope this doesn't read like I am a perv. We just slowly developed a friendship. One night after school, they had an open house for the parents of perspective students of both kindergarten and first grade (they had a lull in enrollment for these levels - more on that story later). I had my asistant coach run practice, I dressed up (you know I had to get back into bubble mode) and went to the meeting. As we were sitting there, she looked so hot, but I noticed the huge bling on her finger. I hadn't noticed that before. I commented on it and she told me she didn't wear it during the day because she was always into stuff and she didn't want to loose or damage it. We talked for a while that evening after the program was over.

to be continued...