A new beginning...

I started this blog to help me de-stress and document my life. So when I am gone, my girls will have some what of an understanding of who I really am and what I am going through. It has been a rough couple of years for me, for them and for TBW. I realized the other day, that if I died tomorrow - many things would be left unhealed, unexplained and untold. Since my divorce a little over two years ago, I tried to do things the best way I knew how. We all do that. Sometimes it is right, sometimes it is wrong - and sometimes it just is. As I sit in my cubbie at work, I think about things in my life and wonder what I could do to make things easier, not so stressful, not so much guilt... I am like anyone, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes the mountain is easy to climb and sometimes I can't seem to get up the base. My whole life I have done what is expected of me. What was an unwritten path of what I was supposed to do. What makes some of us go the path we are "supposed to" and some of us stray the complete opposite? risk? adventure? pay back? Who knows?

As a child, I was very confident in myself. Why is it as we grow older, we loose that confidence and put so much credit on what other's think or even what we think other's think? When we are in kindergarten, we talk to everyone, play with everyone and nothing outside the fact that you are together matters. We gradually loose that as we get older. I did everything my parents wanted me to. I treated adults with respect, and I did my homework, and didn't stray too far off the expected path. I only applied to one college and quite frankly it was one that I was told that was "easy". Why? I knew when my parents pulled away in their car it wasn't a fit for me. It was 300 miles away from my home and considered a commuter college. There I was - stuck - going into computer science. Why computer science? Because my Dad said it was the up and coming thing - where the money would be. I wanted to make money - lots of it. So, with no interest in mind, I got a degree in computer science. After finishing college, I married the only guy I ever really dated. Not that he was a bad guy, he was my best friend. But it was the next logical step. The thought of having a sexual relationship scared the hell out of me. Yet I did it. Looking back on my life, I wouldn't change anything, but I see where I didn't have the confidence in myself. When I interviewed for my first job out of college - I interviewed for one job. I was made an offer and I took it. It was a huge company and I didn't really know what I would be doing - but I took it. Mainly because it was a respected name in the computer world. I see now that I never took the time to see what would be the best fit for me, never gave myself options... Next up, after grad school for me and med school for the X, was obviously kids... I wanted to be the best mom in the world. I enjoyed being pregnant with all three of my girls. It was awonderful feeling. Having them and raising them was, and is, the most wonderful part of my life. They were and are one of the most important aspects of my life - a true gift.

So... after meeting TBW and feeling something so deep in my soul, such a connection and such a need to be with her, so much became clear. I had questioned my sexuality for years. There had to be a reason that sex wasn't the same for me as it was for my friends. The intimacy and desires I felt with her, far exceeded anything I had ever felt before. My father passed away when I was in my third year of college. Thinking about him, I realized that life was way too short and you only go around once. It was time to quit doing what was expected of me and to be the strong person I am. To be a role model for my girls - to break the cycle of doing things without exploring them. To be who you are. I didn't want to settle anymore - not me, not my kids... I guess once again I was naive. I thought I could do this, the girls would be fine, the X would find someone new and TBW and I would just move on and we would all adjust to how things are...

It is amazing that in this day and age, being gay is still such a stigma. For me, not only with society, but with the X, and my girls. Is it easier for kids to be accepting when they are raised from birth with two moms or two dads? TBW's kids both accepted our relationship and are very accepting - but is it because they are older (grown and on their own)? D2, who lives with us right now, is very accepting of us. D3 has her moments and D1 is just flat out against it. Why is it so hard to just be who you are in this world? That is my goal. I want my girls and TBW's kids to just accept things and live our lives with us. I want to love them and take care of them. I want them to share in the beautiful love that we have found. I want to be a part of their lives as much as we can be. I want them to know they are loved and wanted by both the X and his wife and TBW and myself. We are on this journey together - forever - and in the end I know it will be worth it. Each day is a new beginning. A new acceptance. Some days are good, and some are bad - but nomatter what, we have each other. The petty things in life don't mean jack. Being loved, being who you are, enjoying and being thankful for where we are at this moment... Is priceless.