one to go.

well tomorrow is my last day as a contractor... i start my new job on Monday morning. life has been a bit on the stressful side. to say the least. i am excited to start the new job.

my mom has not been doing well - it is amazing how death looming and an aging parent can make you feel so hopeless. i know she is not ready yet because she is still afraid. when she is calm with it, i know it won't be long.
it makes you stop and think... to count your blessings... to have you get rid of the small petty stuff... and hold your loved ones close.

highlights from the week...

well, to say we have been living through some stress would be putting it mildly... so, instead of writing volumes, we'll just highlight the past week...

i interviewed for a new job at a big company

my sister called - my mom isn't doing well - i can tell that from talking to her...

the big company called for a second interview

all my cubby-mates overheard and wanted to know the gossip

D2 has basketball business going on causing her to cry after practice

book flight to SC to see my mom - by myself...

DSL provider sends mail that we are spewing viruses all over the place - they will terminate service if we don't fix

try to upgrade virus software on machine.

it messes with the registry - computer keeps rebooting

support is available, but it will cost you...

go to SC, leave TBW, arrive, get to mom's, when going to bed, she falls from toilet and it takes us 2.5 hours to get her back to bed.

mom wants pedicure, so three hours later - that is done...

receive phone call that flight home has been cancelled.

call airline - listen to 90 prompts, but can't get a human

mom's inernet is on dialup... for the love of God!

TBW gets me a flight home at 10:20 - cutting my trip way short

interview woman to come help my mom - have it worked out

get home, go to second interview

get to my desk - they offered me the job!!!

talk to my mom - she can't afford lady, so she is going to let the doctor prescribe hospice care for her.

D2's basketball season continues on - they are 0-10 - but they are winning the tournament. it will go on two more weeks. and he added more practices.

snow, snow, snow...

still no computer upstairs and someone spilled a drink on this keyboard and the keys stick, and don't type right.
no reading blogs for me...

i am excited to start my new job on the 3rd...

my mom wants TBW and I to visit for easter... (that is a lot from her... she loves us both!)

sometimes all the stress, and down times make you really appreciate the ups.

the talk...

I was all set to go see D3 play her last game of basketball. Then D2 came up from the basement when I got home from work to tell me that the confirmation meeting cancelled in December is tonight. ARGHHHHH! I have sat through this already with D1. It is a talk on abstinence (spelling on that one...). A TWO hour talk on abstinence.

I'll let you know the highlights. I am sure I will take notes!

Accepting it.

I am going to visit my Mom this weekend. I have been talking to her daily and I can tell from our conversations, she is getting worse. One day last week, she told me she bounced a few checks. First of all, in my Mother's entire life, she has never been late on a payment, let alone bounce something. This didn't bother her. (yet another clue) This is the woman who spent hours upon hours talking to me about just the thought of switching investment brokers. She was able to finish raising two girls on her own after my Dad died. He died without his pension, and she was able to do it with what they had in the bank. She put me and my sister through college, and managed to retire in her early sixties. Yesterday, she told me she thought she paid her visa bill, but couldn't find the stub. The bank hadn't received it, so she couldn't remember. We figured out she must have mailed the entire statement along with her check.

She doesn't eat much, because she can't really stand and make it. She has switched from gin martinis to manhattans. Problem is, my sister couldn't find all the ingredients for the drink - so I think she is having Jim Beam and ... Jim Beam. I ask her each day if she has taken her meds - the response is the same - "I haven't had the past 4". I don't really understand what that means. She needs to be in an assisted living facility - but will hear nothing of it.

Last week, she had the guy from the funeral home out. They say as get older and are dying later in life, there is a time in which you accept it and are not afraid of it anymore. I witnessed it with my Grandma. She would always say she was scared to die. She had a son she hadn't seen in years and she requested he come see her - he did. Later that evening, she asked for a beer, and died in her sleep. I think my Mom has come to terms with her mortality. She has said once her quality of life has diminished, she will be ready to go. Problem is, I don't think my sister and I are ready for her to go. I am sure once I go there this weekend, she will be ready.

I guess that makes me scared. She is my support - no matter how old we get. No matter what her opinions are and how crotchety she can be. She got where she is in life because she doesn't let people run over her, she gets the bang for her buck, and she isn't afraid to speak her mind. Where as she may not understand TBW and I, she accepts that she is my partner. I have always wanted my parent's support and done things as I thought they would want me to do them. That in itself made it very hard for me to be honest about my sexuality.

I guess it is time to let go. To stand on my own so to speak. If you would have told me five years ago that my life would be what it is now, I would not have believed you. Not that I regret it, I truly don't. I just never thought I would have the courage to do it. As I type this, I look at my hands and realize they look just like my Mom's when I was young. It was always hard thinking of your parents as young... dating... having fun without kids... falling in love... They did, and they lived their lives as they knew how in the best way possible.

I don't really know what I believe as in an "after life". Do you meet up with loved ones again? How would your first husband or wife take it if you meet up and say you are waiting for your second one? If it is true we all meet up - what if they have found someone else there? Because we don't have concrete answers, thinking about it isn't always easy. How are we in the after life? Young, old, in a body, just a soul? I am scared of death. For many reasons, which is a whole other blog entry. I guess for now, I have to be like my Mom and accept that she is closer to the finish line than the start. She is riding it out as best she can, with as much dignity she can muster. Life is hard - so hard, she wants to give up. Who can say I blame her? I guess it is time to not be so selfish, give her what love I can for the weekend. Make her a faux manhattan and relax and let her be.

life moments

life is filled with many moments - some that are happy and some that are sad. having someone who you can go through it with and depend on and love unconditionally makes all of those moments more enjoyable. i have a couple of "rough" moments or patches currently in my life.

first of all tbw is the best, she takes care of me, loves and is my other half. it hasn't been an easy road for us, that is putting it lightly. we have been stressed for so many reasons lately. she is starting to wear it on her face. i know she loves me unconditionally - but our life seems to be putting her through the ringer lately. my kids, her job, my job, the dogs (they like to play fight and growl a lot!), the neighbor (we love her dearly - where as those are her problems, tbw listens every day and offers great advice), my mom, her kids, the X - his actions, reactions, non-actions, bills, you get the gist. i feel like sometimes i am not worth it. i know many people have worse problems, i just hope and wish we have the strength to push past it - without some kind of health issue.

then there is my mom. she is getting worse and worse. she has trouble talking, my sister is stressed in trying to care for her - and says she can barely keep her eyes open. she barely has an appetite. she tells me things that you want to say to someone you love every time i talk to her on the phone - as if it might be the last time i talk to her. i'm gonna try to go and visit her next weekend. she told me it is only a matter of time at this point. not words you want to hear, yet what is her quality of life. how scared must she be.

she told me last night that i deserve some good in my life. i need to be proud of who i am and that i deserve good things. of all the people in this world who i thought i could be "gay" with - she wasn't one of them. yet, she accepts tbw and i for who we are. she may not understand it - but she wants us to be happy. that is huge.

it is hard to let go. and i know going there will be one more step in doing that. i know i have to go, and i want to see her - but i don't want her to quit fighting... there are times i still need my mom. we never outgrow that.

wiped out

i am ready for margarita night at the mexican place... what a week this has been. last night, D2 and I drove to see D1 play her basketball game - so we got home late. I have been taking an antibiotic for my dental work that was done last week. I got into bed and I told TBW I thought I had a yeast infection - things itched - it was 11:05. She got up and went to the store to get me some medicine. She is the best - it feels so much better today. Who knew. That has never happened to me before.

This morning, (D2 is either grouchy or happy - unfortunately you don't get to pick which one). Today was grouchy. So leaving wasn't the best, and I pull out onto the main street and thump, thump - look in the rear view mirror - there is fur flying. Don't know what I hit - I just hope it didn't suffer.

My work experience at this company has been very isolated for the most part. It is me and well me. Two young bucks moved into our area. They are a hoot to listen to. There is one super geeky developer type and one athletically built geeky type. The guy that has always sat next to me is very quiet, older hippie type. Well, when hippie was in. Now he is just organic calm guy. Today, the younguns were talking non stop - I couldn't tune it out. Then this girl came over to talk to the athletic one. I about laughed out loud. She acts like she has a pole up her butt and doesn't talk to anyone. She was over there talking to him about protein powder and how yucky it tastes (she is a size 0) and giggling to save her life. OMG it had me hysterical - and athletic guy had no clue she was flirting. I may have to give them some life lessons. I think it is in my job description.

have mercy! I think I am gonna need my headphones and music...

fat tuesday

yippee... hooo ha. time to celebrate. i guess it is called super tuesday too. to me it was just tuesday - time to watch the biggest loser - we love that show. i hope it isn't pre-empted. just give me the final people to choose between and then we can get down to the issues. i hate it when the turn ugly on each other and turn everything around to the other person. i think there should be a limit on what they can spend campaining and they can't talk about the other person. Let's hear what YOU are gonna do for us.

It is 60 degrees here in the bubble. Basically means the ground has thawed and of course it is raining. What that REALLY means is there are 12 paws full of mud. They came in to eat this morning and the mud on the walls had my Dad turning over in his grave. When we were little, we had this off white carpet, and shoes came off when you stepped in the door. He always picked up fuzz, swept the driveway and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Now I know why - back then I just thought he should relax a little. Let's just say if your cheese curl lands on the floor - throw it away.

I was planning on taking D3 to the ski resort (well our version - resort might be a stretch) to go tubing this weekend. Better check the conditions first. It might be a hill of ice - or maybe even grass.

Eat up cause lent starts tomorrow. Maybe I'll give up...
mushrooms...
kidney beans...
liver...
oysters...
What are you giving up?

It's Monday Baby...

The weekend has come and gone. Why do they always go so quickly?

The new doo was easy to fix this morning. I think it looks like Liza Manelli - (however you spell her name). TBW's is very cute. It is fun to pass a mirror because the person looks familiar - but then I realize it is me!

D2 called me at work today to ask me where the bread was. We haven't had bread in months - I would buy it and then throw it out. So, why buy it (I am so smart sometimes). I asked her why she didn't have her usual snack - she said she was out. Hard to believe she went through all that stuff in such a short period of time - and she did. Good thing she is active - if it were me - 50 pounds.

The weather is getting warmer - so I took the dog on a walk with the neighbor - hard not to go get a beer to relax. Kinda goes against getting in shape. TBW is tutoring right now. She is the best.

Can you believe it is February already? Meg - when I feel comfortable taking a picture of the new doo - I'll let you know. It is as short as the dog's!!!

buzzed...

not buzzed in a good way - well the kind that is alcohol induced. TBW and I are buzzed as in our hair. A friend's sister cut our hair last night and they are both short! Yikes. It will look great in a few weeks.

I had a marathon dental appointment yesterday. Three hours I sat in the chair. I listened to D2's ipod. It was a treat. She has quite a range. I had one crown done and she replaced 3 of my metal fillings. Such fun. We are hoping that the crown works and I don't have to have a root canal. It is all such a bargain.

It is Friday. Yippee.

I haven't been the best in coming out to some of my friends. They usually hear it through the X or some kind of gossip. I know this isn't the best way to handle things - but I am who I am, live where I live and my friends - I don't know if they can handle it or not. Anyways. I had one just ask me today. Of course she knew - I knew she knew. It is all just weird. We side stepped it for three years. She couldn't hold it in any longer. We used to be very close - then we weren't. So who knows where it will go from here. But I can put a check mark next to another name.

When I read about how others are out and about - many years, much support, etc, etc. it makes me feel insignificant. We'll get there. Someday - somehow. One friend at a time.

Guess it is miller time - the other kind of buzzz....