life moments

life is filled with many moments - some that are happy and some that are sad. having someone who you can go through it with and depend on and love unconditionally makes all of those moments more enjoyable. i have a couple of "rough" moments or patches currently in my life.

first of all tbw is the best, she takes care of me, loves and is my other half. it hasn't been an easy road for us, that is putting it lightly. we have been stressed for so many reasons lately. she is starting to wear it on her face. i know she loves me unconditionally - but our life seems to be putting her through the ringer lately. my kids, her job, my job, the dogs (they like to play fight and growl a lot!), the neighbor (we love her dearly - where as those are her problems, tbw listens every day and offers great advice), my mom, her kids, the X - his actions, reactions, non-actions, bills, you get the gist. i feel like sometimes i am not worth it. i know many people have worse problems, i just hope and wish we have the strength to push past it - without some kind of health issue.

then there is my mom. she is getting worse and worse. she has trouble talking, my sister is stressed in trying to care for her - and says she can barely keep her eyes open. she barely has an appetite. she tells me things that you want to say to someone you love every time i talk to her on the phone - as if it might be the last time i talk to her. i'm gonna try to go and visit her next weekend. she told me it is only a matter of time at this point. not words you want to hear, yet what is her quality of life. how scared must she be.

she told me last night that i deserve some good in my life. i need to be proud of who i am and that i deserve good things. of all the people in this world who i thought i could be "gay" with - she wasn't one of them. yet, she accepts tbw and i for who we are. she may not understand it - but she wants us to be happy. that is huge.

it is hard to let go. and i know going there will be one more step in doing that. i know i have to go, and i want to see her - but i don't want her to quit fighting... there are times i still need my mom. we never outgrow that.