I am going to visit my Mom this weekend. I have been talking to her daily and I can tell from our conversations, she is getting worse. One day last week, she told me she bounced a few checks. First of all, in my Mother's entire life, she has never been late on a payment, let alone bounce something. This didn't bother her. (yet another clue) This is the woman who spent hours upon hours talking to me about just the thought of switching investment brokers. She was able to finish raising two girls on her own after my Dad died. He died without his pension, and she was able to do it with what they had in the bank. She put me and my sister through college, and managed to retire in her early sixties. Yesterday, she told me she thought she paid her visa bill, but couldn't find the stub. The bank hadn't received it, so she couldn't remember. We figured out she must have mailed the entire statement along with her check.
She doesn't eat much, because she can't really stand and make it. She has switched from gin martinis to manhattans. Problem is, my sister couldn't find all the ingredients for the drink - so I think she is having Jim Beam and ... Jim Beam. I ask her each day if she has taken her meds - the response is the same - "I haven't had the past 4". I don't really understand what that means. She needs to be in an assisted living facility - but will hear nothing of it.
Last week, she had the guy from the funeral home out. They say as get older and are dying later in life, there is a time in which you accept it and are not afraid of it anymore. I witnessed it with my Grandma. She would always say she was scared to die. She had a son she hadn't seen in years and she requested he come see her - he did. Later that evening, she asked for a beer, and died in her sleep. I think my Mom has come to terms with her mortality. She has said once her quality of life has diminished, she will be ready to go. Problem is, I don't think my sister and I are ready for her to go. I am sure once I go there this weekend, she will be ready.
I guess that makes me scared. She is my support - no matter how old we get. No matter what her opinions are and how crotchety she can be. She got where she is in life because she doesn't let people run over her, she gets the bang for her buck, and she isn't afraid to speak her mind. Where as she may not understand TBW and I, she accepts that she is my partner. I have always wanted my parent's support and done things as I thought they would want me to do them. That in itself made it very hard for me to be honest about my sexuality.
I guess it is time to let go. To stand on my own so to speak. If you would have told me five years ago that my life would be what it is now, I would not have believed you. Not that I regret it, I truly don't. I just never thought I would have the courage to do it. As I type this, I look at my hands and realize they look just like my Mom's when I was young. It was always hard thinking of your parents as young... dating... having fun without kids... falling in love... They did, and they lived their lives as they knew how in the best way possible.
I don't really know what I believe as in an "after life". Do you meet up with loved ones again? How would your first husband or wife take it if you meet up and say you are waiting for your second one? If it is true we all meet up - what if they have found someone else there? Because we don't have concrete answers, thinking about it isn't always easy. How are we in the after life? Young, old, in a body, just a soul? I am scared of death. For many reasons, which is a whole other blog entry. I guess for now, I have to be like my Mom and accept that she is closer to the finish line than the start. She is riding it out as best she can, with as much dignity she can muster. Life is hard - so hard, she wants to give up. Who can say I blame her? I guess it is time to not be so selfish, give her what love I can for the weekend. Make her a faux manhattan and relax and let her be.
She doesn't eat much, because she can't really stand and make it. She has switched from gin martinis to manhattans. Problem is, my sister couldn't find all the ingredients for the drink - so I think she is having Jim Beam and ... Jim Beam. I ask her each day if she has taken her meds - the response is the same - "I haven't had the past 4". I don't really understand what that means. She needs to be in an assisted living facility - but will hear nothing of it.
Last week, she had the guy from the funeral home out. They say as get older and are dying later in life, there is a time in which you accept it and are not afraid of it anymore. I witnessed it with my Grandma. She would always say she was scared to die. She had a son she hadn't seen in years and she requested he come see her - he did. Later that evening, she asked for a beer, and died in her sleep. I think my Mom has come to terms with her mortality. She has said once her quality of life has diminished, she will be ready to go. Problem is, I don't think my sister and I are ready for her to go. I am sure once I go there this weekend, she will be ready.
I guess that makes me scared. She is my support - no matter how old we get. No matter what her opinions are and how crotchety she can be. She got where she is in life because she doesn't let people run over her, she gets the bang for her buck, and she isn't afraid to speak her mind. Where as she may not understand TBW and I, she accepts that she is my partner. I have always wanted my parent's support and done things as I thought they would want me to do them. That in itself made it very hard for me to be honest about my sexuality.
I guess it is time to let go. To stand on my own so to speak. If you would have told me five years ago that my life would be what it is now, I would not have believed you. Not that I regret it, I truly don't. I just never thought I would have the courage to do it. As I type this, I look at my hands and realize they look just like my Mom's when I was young. It was always hard thinking of your parents as young... dating... having fun without kids... falling in love... They did, and they lived their lives as they knew how in the best way possible.
I don't really know what I believe as in an "after life". Do you meet up with loved ones again? How would your first husband or wife take it if you meet up and say you are waiting for your second one? If it is true we all meet up - what if they have found someone else there? Because we don't have concrete answers, thinking about it isn't always easy. How are we in the after life? Young, old, in a body, just a soul? I am scared of death. For many reasons, which is a whole other blog entry. I guess for now, I have to be like my Mom and accept that she is closer to the finish line than the start. She is riding it out as best she can, with as much dignity she can muster. Life is hard - so hard, she wants to give up. Who can say I blame her? I guess it is time to not be so selfish, give her what love I can for the weekend. Make her a faux manhattan and relax and let her be.
1 comment:
As hard as it is... you do seem to have the right attitude about it. My thoughts are with you.
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