Well, we seem to be in waiting mode.
Waiting to get my discount on my phone that we just bought...
Waiting for TBW to qualify for a new phone...
Waiting for D1 to be decent to TBW...
Waiting for TBW to finish tutoring so we can start dinner...
Waiting for the dogs to settle down...
Waiting for my Mom to quit suffering...
My Mom is still facing her battle. Where as I am not ready to let her go, I don't want her to suffer any more. I can barely understand her now on the phone. The first question I ask her each day was usually, "How are you feeling today?" No need to ask that. Then I would ask, "What is for dinner?" Another mute question. I was up most of last night thinking about different things.
When she goes, I won't have a parent living. Someone I have always depended on. Someone who was there for me when I needed her. What does she feel? I know she is in pain. She doesn't know what day it is. She can't eat. She can't have her famous martinis. She can't even go to her front porch and say her prayers.
What does she think about? My sister says she has been talking to my Grandma. Wonder if she really sees her and is talking to her? Does she remember her life? Her struggles? Her successes? Her first boyfriend? First kiss? Her Mom and Dad? Her Grandparents?
Is she scared? You can't stop it, you have no control over it. Is she really proud of me - or was she just trying to get along?
Does she have regrets? Does she think about them? What would she do differently if she could do it all again?
Why is it people come to the funeral home, yet none of those people (well most of them anyways) never visited her in her house. Why don't we socialize any more? We all know life is limited - yet we live it like it is endless. Then we get to the end, we wish we would have done things differently.
She probably feels that way about her smoking. If she would have quit 10 years earlier - she probably would still be in her "nest" (that is what she calls her favorite chair) drinking her martinis. But we all put things off - whatever it is - weight loss, an apology, drinking, smoking, our outlook, etc.
I guess it is time to quit waiting so much. Tomorrow might not come. Make the changes today. At least begin now. What have you go to loose?
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
calmed down
tbw sure does keep me in line - she is the best. it is friday and i am glad.
we have the girls tonight - we went to isabelle's birthday dinner and are waiting to go to the movies.
tomorrow is date night...
the work week is over. tbw's badgers are getting beat - only 8 minutes left... the dogs are rolling and rolling. my mom didn't feel well today. she just talked to me weakly - i wish i could make her feel better...
tomorrow is date night...
we have the girls tonight - we went to isabelle's birthday dinner and are waiting to go to the movies.
tomorrow is date night...
the work week is over. tbw's badgers are getting beat - only 8 minutes left... the dogs are rolling and rolling. my mom didn't feel well today. she just talked to me weakly - i wish i could make her feel better...
tomorrow is date night...
Thursday, March 27, 2008
frustrated
our computer upstairs has been a nightmare... i know better than to have not made a boot recovery disc (cause we can't actually ship the cd in with the computer when it is new) and i knew better than to not back up my pictures to CD BEFORE the CD drive crapped out. I also knew that my hard drive could go at any time.
1 new cd/dvd burner drive $65
1 new hard drive $58
1 external drive for back ups $109
1 virus protection software $35
1 boot recovery disc $28
bend over baby.
back up your files, photos and essentials
make your boot recovery disk
just do it!
1 new cd/dvd burner drive $65
1 new hard drive $58
1 external drive for back ups $109
1 virus protection software $35
1 boot recovery disc $28
bend over baby.
back up your files, photos and essentials
make your boot recovery disk
just do it!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The bigot is back
I have been reading a lot of blog entries or articles lately about acceptance. Most of them discuss the acceptance from "society". Whereas that is a worry in our life - our acceptance issues stem more at the home front - so to speak. The only people that I care about accepting us are our children. TBW's children are fine with us - it probably helps that they are grown, but nevertheless, they have always accepted us and that is great. Two out of three of my girls accept us, the third - not so much. The reasons for this are many, and I have talked about them before. Our society, the church, family and most of all, the X.
My Mom, as I have written before, accepts TBW and I. She has her own theories on us, but the bottom line is - she has accepted us. Last Saturday, she went into the hospital, or the ER, and they said she was in the beginning stages of kidney failure. That, along with her COPD, make treatment not an option. The X, took the girls south for the Easter holiday, and he was going to stop to see my Mom on the way home. That is a whole other blog - it didn't make me happy, for obvious reasons and because I wanted to take them, but the new job, lack of $$ made it impossible right now.
My sister lives near my Mom. She has been stressed lately with caring for my Mom. She has 24 hour help living with her - but my Mom always calls on my sister. Last night, after her martinis, my Mom sat D1 down next to her and told her that she should give TBW a chance, because she did and she likes her. That was the gist. Of course she said it with the X sitting in the same room. Now he is "happily" remarried, you think he could do what is best for the girls - accept and not be a bigot.
After their visit, they all went to my sister's to spend the night. (Yeah I know the X going there is weird - that is a good counseling session in itself!) The X sat down with my sister and her husband, and told them what my Mom had said. She could tell what was coming next and before he could get the words out, she stopped him and said, "You know what, my Mom has accepted my sister. Maybe it was for her, but the reason doesn't matter, she was able to do what was best, and that is all that matters." My sister rocks. Too bad it is wasted on the X - he'll just blabber it to the wife and probably his Mom. But, she did what she could.
The sad part is, he doesn't realize how he hurts the girls by being so bigoted. He, like many others focus on some kind of degenerate lifestyle that we must lead, rather than a beautiful relationship full of love. A relationship with its ups and downs, but full of joy. He doesn't now, or will he ever, realize that his actions, words and expressions express his bigotry to the girls. That this hurts them, it confuses them and most of all it desensitizes them to the vast array of people that make up this world.
We can only hope that one day those who we are near will accept us, as human beings with feelings and emotions, needs and wants just like everyone else. One day.
My Mom, as I have written before, accepts TBW and I. She has her own theories on us, but the bottom line is - she has accepted us. Last Saturday, she went into the hospital, or the ER, and they said she was in the beginning stages of kidney failure. That, along with her COPD, make treatment not an option. The X, took the girls south for the Easter holiday, and he was going to stop to see my Mom on the way home. That is a whole other blog - it didn't make me happy, for obvious reasons and because I wanted to take them, but the new job, lack of $$ made it impossible right now.
My sister lives near my Mom. She has been stressed lately with caring for my Mom. She has 24 hour help living with her - but my Mom always calls on my sister. Last night, after her martinis, my Mom sat D1 down next to her and told her that she should give TBW a chance, because she did and she likes her. That was the gist. Of course she said it with the X sitting in the same room. Now he is "happily" remarried, you think he could do what is best for the girls - accept and not be a bigot.
After their visit, they all went to my sister's to spend the night. (Yeah I know the X going there is weird - that is a good counseling session in itself!) The X sat down with my sister and her husband, and told them what my Mom had said. She could tell what was coming next and before he could get the words out, she stopped him and said, "You know what, my Mom has accepted my sister. Maybe it was for her, but the reason doesn't matter, she was able to do what was best, and that is all that matters." My sister rocks. Too bad it is wasted on the X - he'll just blabber it to the wife and probably his Mom. But, she did what she could.
The sad part is, he doesn't realize how he hurts the girls by being so bigoted. He, like many others focus on some kind of degenerate lifestyle that we must lead, rather than a beautiful relationship full of love. A relationship with its ups and downs, but full of joy. He doesn't now, or will he ever, realize that his actions, words and expressions express his bigotry to the girls. That this hurts them, it confuses them and most of all it desensitizes them to the vast array of people that make up this world.
We can only hope that one day those who we are near will accept us, as human beings with feelings and emotions, needs and wants just like everyone else. One day.
Friday, March 21, 2008
take off early...
my boss came over and told me to leave early for the weekend - that was nice - but it was really time for me to leave... i like the new job. it does make a difference. the girls are almost to georgia - they left at 6 this morning.
i was thinking about easter traditions today while sitting at my desk. those that we had when i was a little girl, those when i came home from college and those i have had with the girls - pre and post divorce.
my earliest recollection of easter is from when i was about 10 years old. our easter baskets were always placed in front of the fireplace. they would have jellybeans, chocolate bunnies and hard boiled eggs that we colored earlier in the week. we would go to church, and then to my cousin's house for dinner. at my cousin's we would search for eggs and candies. the eggs were either hard boiled, plastic (with money or candy).
as i got older and came home from college, i wanted my mom to still make me an easter basket. it had to have the same stuff in it that we had when i was younger. the traditions were the same, we just drank a lot more beer at my cousin's house during the celebration.
with my kids, they did the same thing. we would hide the eggs in the yard and my neices and nehpews would come over to search. they always sat on the edge of the patio and got their pictures taken before the hunt. they loved coloring the eggs or "balls" as D2 called them.
even after the big D - they have always colored eggs. last year they weren't even boiled - that is when i knew it was starting to loose its luster. this year - no egg coloring. TBW and i have gone to a friend's house for the past two years. We will go again this year. Last year she gave me WAY too much to drink. This year will be different... Maybe.
Do you remember your favorite easter?
i was thinking about easter traditions today while sitting at my desk. those that we had when i was a little girl, those when i came home from college and those i have had with the girls - pre and post divorce.
my earliest recollection of easter is from when i was about 10 years old. our easter baskets were always placed in front of the fireplace. they would have jellybeans, chocolate bunnies and hard boiled eggs that we colored earlier in the week. we would go to church, and then to my cousin's house for dinner. at my cousin's we would search for eggs and candies. the eggs were either hard boiled, plastic (with money or candy).
as i got older and came home from college, i wanted my mom to still make me an easter basket. it had to have the same stuff in it that we had when i was younger. the traditions were the same, we just drank a lot more beer at my cousin's house during the celebration.
with my kids, they did the same thing. we would hide the eggs in the yard and my neices and nehpews would come over to search. they always sat on the edge of the patio and got their pictures taken before the hunt. they loved coloring the eggs or "balls" as D2 called them.
even after the big D - they have always colored eggs. last year they weren't even boiled - that is when i knew it was starting to loose its luster. this year - no egg coloring. TBW and i have gone to a friend's house for the past two years. We will go again this year. Last year she gave me WAY too much to drink. This year will be different... Maybe.
Do you remember your favorite easter?
Thursday, March 20, 2008
well, i haven't blogged in a while - to say that things have been busy is an understatement. we have a few days to ourselves coming up as the girls are with their dad on a trip south. basketball season is over, volleyball season has only one game left after break and soccer is just starting up. i took D2 to the doctor for her 13 year old check up - a half a year late - but better late than never. she got three shots and is as tall as the doc. i almost didn't remember my chart number - which is funny because when they were small - i was in there so many times for ear infections and such - i knew it by heart. D2 loved wearing the paper robe - she looked good in it - we had fun waiting for the doc. Hard to believe she is 5 feet 6 inches...
D3 is 10 today - hard to believe - they are all growing up so fast. she and TBW went shopping for an outfit last weekend and she came back with a new wardrobe... They had fun and she looked cute and grown in her new duds.
The new job is going well. It is still a bit of a puzzle to me - but hopefully i will be able to work through it. it is a different place to work. a bit of a melting pot - so to speak. i haven't had to wear nice clothes for years - it definately takes time to pick out clothes in the morning.
We got new carpet in the family room this week - it looks very nice. We are trying to keep the 12 muddy paws off of it and we are trying to keep it "pee free". We'll see how long it lasts.
My mom has a lady living with her 24/7. She has just moved her cocktail hour up to compensate for her talking non-stop. I can only imagine how they get along. Hopefully my sister is feeling a little less stress - time wil tell.
D3 told me last week that the easter bunny wasn't real. she said, "come on mom, a bunny. i don't thing a bunny could do all that work. but i do still believe that santa is real. he is isn't he mom?" oh my. it made me laugh. this is the first year we didn't color eggs. at least i was able to do their baskets and just give them to them, rather than getting up early in the morning to put them on the fireplace. time... it sure is changing. i don't know if i am ready to grow up. i guess i don't have a choice.
D3 is 10 today - hard to believe - they are all growing up so fast. she and TBW went shopping for an outfit last weekend and she came back with a new wardrobe... They had fun and she looked cute and grown in her new duds.
The new job is going well. It is still a bit of a puzzle to me - but hopefully i will be able to work through it. it is a different place to work. a bit of a melting pot - so to speak. i haven't had to wear nice clothes for years - it definately takes time to pick out clothes in the morning.
We got new carpet in the family room this week - it looks very nice. We are trying to keep the 12 muddy paws off of it and we are trying to keep it "pee free". We'll see how long it lasts.
My mom has a lady living with her 24/7. She has just moved her cocktail hour up to compensate for her talking non-stop. I can only imagine how they get along. Hopefully my sister is feeling a little less stress - time wil tell.
D3 told me last week that the easter bunny wasn't real. she said, "come on mom, a bunny. i don't thing a bunny could do all that work. but i do still believe that santa is real. he is isn't he mom?" oh my. it made me laugh. this is the first year we didn't color eggs. at least i was able to do their baskets and just give them to them, rather than getting up early in the morning to put them on the fireplace. time... it sure is changing. i don't know if i am ready to grow up. i guess i don't have a choice.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
up and down
i started my new job on monday. i was in orientation for a day and a half. i like the company a lot. i think i will like my job a lot. our computer (our main one) is still not working. i haven't gotten paid for my last week at the last job... and worst of all - my mom was in a diabetic coma this morning - after 6 paramedics put her on an iv for many different things - she came around... who knows for how long. plane ticket from ohio to south carolina for the weekend - $984... what??? wish we could go - but we can't afford it...
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