life lessons...

D2 is learning a lot about high school athletics. being in the bubble for so long let her believe that all is fair in sports, that all kids make the team and they all play an equal amount. She also believed that since her high school is small - she wouldn't have to work hard to make the team.

Then there was the real world - outside the bubble.

Soccer practice - after being away for three weeks...

Conditioning is hard work. You work so hard you feel like you are going to throw up... You want to quit. The coach isn't going to engage you to get you moving - you have to do that yourself.

Hopefully she knows - if she works hard and tries hard - and has a good attitude - it will pay off.

I took her to practice last night - she learned her lessons - by living it. We chatted on the way home.

Today, she gave it her all and walked off the field with a smile on her face.

That's my girl. I was so proud of her!

home again, home again...

D1 and D2 are home again. they flew in today - i had to leave a meeting to go get them. they were starved. we stopped at panera and got a bite to eat. D2 was in the garage, i went and put my arms around her and she started to cry. she wanted to stay with me - not go to her dad's house. i told her that was fine - and let her cry some more. she needs me - i know they all do - but she really is in that time of her life where she needs her mom. that makes me happy. i don't want her to be sad - but i have been feeling a bit low about the girls all going to school 45 minutes away. so many people say, "how do you do it?" i just say i do what is best for the girls. it is hard - i don't know if it is right - but i will never make them feel they are in the middle of something between their dad and me.

TBW and i had a wonderful weekend. we got a lot of furniture brought in and rearranged from my mom's house. she feels a part of us now. the house looks wonderful. we went to a cookout on the 4th - were able to see the fireworks from our back yard - with our arms wrapped around each other - it was awesome. we had some friends over on the 5th - more good times. on sunday - we just went to the pool.

we watched the bucket list this weekend. it was predictable but it was good. got us to thinking about what would be on our list. then we were talking - would it be different if we knew we were dying? what would we do? TBW said she would just like to live by the beach. i don't know...
i need to think about it. What is on your list?

Vacation Happenings...

We are home from our trip south. It was an emotional time – in many ways. We started out on the 10 hour drive around 4:30 Friday afternoon. The drive was pretty uneventful. TBW was able to secure the last available hotel in Greensboro over the phone and the couple in the lobby was peeved to say the least – since she walked in after they were in line… They had to take the smoking room. Yuck I say. Yeah for us.

We got to my sister’s house around 2:30 in the afternoon. We chatted for a while and then my sister and I went to my Mom’s house to get prepared for the upcoming days. We cried and held each other – and just missed her. You see things laying around that you just put places as you are doing things – never knowing you aren’t going to come back to them. Things with her writing on it, when her writing – a telltale sign of her growing weakness - was getting very illegible during the last weeks. We went through the rooms – pointed out the things we each wanted. Looked through a couple of things – took a deep breath and went back to the house.

Played some corn hole, drank some beer and had pizza on the porch. Enjoyed the company of each other and the kids coming in and out to visit throughout the evening. They didn’t give us much of their time – but what they did was good.

Sunday, it was time to pack up. We started with her medicine. We gathered three bags of it to take to the pharmacist to get rid of. How she kept track of it I’ll never know. Most, she wrote in a little calendar – it was weird to see when the writing stopped. We talked about how she swore someone was trying to kill her. That someone was her caretaker – and she was trying to get her to take her medicine. She even said she only wanted bottled water at one point. It makes me sad to think of being that scared. We got a lot packed. A lot of memories. TBW did the hardest job and that was to sort through her clothes and bag them up. D3 helped her – D1 and D2 couldn’t do it. Not sure if that was laziness or grief… I’ll assume the latter. Sunday night we had a family dinner at the Mexican place. Believe it or not – no margaritas were had… Sunday night, as TBW read in the bedroom. D2 watched TV near me – and I sorted through piles of paperwork. When I looked up it was after midnight. I was drained.

Monday, we continued on with the packing. The relo cubes came around 3. What a way to go – I would recommend them over uhaul any day! They dropped them right in the driveway – easy access and easy load and pickup. We stopped around 4 and had dinner at my sister’s. Steak on the grill. They eat their meals differently. They just grab and growl and the TV was up so loud I thought I was the grandma in the situation. My sister just looked like – sorry… That evening, we came back to my Mom’s early. D2 and I did some hanging and TBW was on her second book. It was relaxing.

Tuesday, The sis and I headed to the SCBMV… What a well run place. They have some ladies in the middle of the place – where you go to explain what you need – she gives you the proper paperwork (of which I already had printed out – thank you very much) and tells you after you go fill it out – come back and they give you a number. Your number is then called and you go to the window they tell you. No waiting in lines for hours like here – only to realize you are missing something or it can’t be done. Very impressed. We now own a 1992 olds 98 and a mobile home! Whoot whoot. We laughed on the way out – because no one asked to even see a death certificate or will… Now, try to cancel the telephone and you need all those papers and a piece of her scalp! The kids had called – they wanted to go to the Hard Rock park – we said they could if they all went and no whining or fighting. They lasted until 4:00… Of course, it was time to load the pods. No kids, no husband – just the mighty three women. Bring it on!!! We did it all in 2 hours. You go girls. We bungee’d everything we could. Hopefully not much will shift during the ride J. D2, TBW and I went to dinner and the others ate at home. We met them at my nephew’s baseball game. They won in extra innings. Good game. We were tired!

Weds morning, we headed to the beach. If my beer intake over the next three days wasn’t so much – I am sure the sweating I did packing the cubes and car would have made me a little lighter. I guess we’ll worry about that later gator! We pulled in because they told us to come early and enjoy the pool. Got to the pool – ka boom – thunder… Back to the garage where our cars were. The kids laid on their beach towels, listened to ipods and played DS. Sis and I had a couple beers while sitting in our chairs. TBW held fort at the front desk… Hoping to get them moving along. Our room was wonderful – two bedrooms – one for the adults – one for the kids. Dinner at the Japanese steakhouse. I’ll have to tell that funny story in another post. D2 definitely doesn’t know when she is being flirted with…


Thursday morning was sunny. We headed to the pool. The kids came down as they woke up… The last one straggling in around noon. We floated in the lazy river… Drank a lot of beer… and swam in the pool. The kids had pizza and went to play putt putt… the adults went to drunkin jack’s. We did just that. TBW was the driver – she is a gem – as always. The Bloody Mary’s were great.

Friday we spent at the beach. Eventually the pool… Didn’t want the week to end. We went for burgers for dinner and could have used more down time before the drive home.

All in all – it could have been a lot more stressful than what it was. D1 and D2 are staying another week. We are back at work. That is the way life rolls.

where does the time go?

school is out... sports have died down - except for the high school activities - which the girls can drive to themselves... we have been so busy.

TBW and D3 and I will be driving to SC today and tomorrow. D2 and D1 flew yesterday - no hitches - on their own. another new milestone. we will be cleaning my mom's house for a couple of days, the relo cubes will be picked up and then we will head to the beach - for some relaxing time.

my mom's death won't hit me until we reach her home, enter and she isn't there. packing up her things that meant the world to her - yet we don't know what to do with - is sad. it will hit me then - like a ton of bricks.

D2 graduated 8th grade at the bubble school. she was very upset and sentimental at the end of the ceremony. after she cried for a while - i told her - don't worry those girls who were biotches a few days ago will show their true colors again in fall - so it is all good. going from big fish to small fish is new for her.

D1 finished the year with great grades, a new found independence with driving and going as she pleases. just waiting for the drinking and first real relationship to take hold. it scares me.

D3 is still 10 going on 17. she is the most responsible and the most willing to just hang with mom.

TBW and I have gotten back some nights alone while the girls are at their dad's house. that is nice too. we need that time.

our neighbor and friend moved 15 minutes away - we miss her.

the only other gay couple we know are splitting up...

time is changing. as always. there is always hope in tomorrow - and joy in today.
especially when the beach is involved...

ready to leave the bubble

D2 was off to kings island today with her class. she is getting near the end of the school year like everyone else and she is ready to bust out of the bubble. she said her friends are already treating her badly because she isn't going to bubble high. people! she said she is done... i don't blame her...

we have been so busy lately... just like everyone else. we took D3 to kentucky to the newport aquarium this weekend - we all had a great time. she bought a chapter book and read it on the in-between times... made me think back to the books i used to read. she doesn't have any interest in them. one of my favorites was, are you there god, it's me margaret? and then eventually forever... they were so good. she isn't even into the ramona books. if it doesn't have to do with sponge bob - it isn't cool.

TBW's daughter got a puppy named luigi... she got a mountain bike and she wants to "do" triathalons. yeah - me too. ha ha.

we have hads kidlets around quite a bit lately - at least the weather is warming up and there is activity in the bubble. who knew?

frustrated...

our main computer has been on the fritz for months on end... i had it up and running put in a new dvd burner and it wasn't working again... the cable came apart - could it be that simple? HA HA - no way!!! BUT TBW says it can... We will see who is right - I hope she is!

then there is the ongoing saga of getting my mom's accounts in order and getting the ability to access them. i really think that most places i am dealing with never have anyone die. i think they have had customers forever!

the electric company wanted to charge me $30 to put the bill in my name so i could pay her bill. she currently has it deducted from her checking account. the account that i am trying to close - so i wanted to make sure it got paid. but they wanted to charge me - i told them to send me the bill! they could do that! why don't they do that in the first place.

the bank told me i needed: power of attorney - i told them that was for when she was alive. then it was a certified death certificate - i could bring it in - there are no branches in this state. i could fax it - i told her then it wouldn't be certified... now i need to take the will to the probate court, get a form signed by the judge - and then we can access the dough. it is all a pain...

i am making a cheat sheet of all that needs to be done - so my kids never have to go through all this - of course it will all change by then.

got the bills from both funeral homes... i think the ocean is a good place for me...

could the gas prices get any higher? i guess they will... when are the big wigs gonna regulate that? it is definately frustrating!!!!

life is changing

as i have often said - life is changing - i guess if it wasn't - we wouldn't really be living. we have our neighbor and her daughter living here for a week or so while their new condo is being updated.

we are finalizing our plans for going to myrtle beach to finalize all of my mom's things... of which there are many. i need to write a cheat list so that if and when someone else close dies - i can remember all the stuff. ways to avoid probate, taxes, saving for this, filing that - freezing accounts, paying accounts - it goes on and on...

tbw's daughter has decided to stay in denver and not move to nyc with mr. perfect. she got a puppy named luigi. she is moving with one of her roommates - trying to find another place. she is somewhat uncertain about her life right now - as it is changing...

D2 is getting ready to graduate 8th grade. to go to a new high school - one where none of her friends are going. new changes for her - she is excited about that. D1 is looking for her first real job for the summer.

it is all a whirl wind... it is all good... well if it isn't at first - it somehow turns that way! especially with TBW at your side! enjoy your changes!

would you? could you?

tbw and i watch grey's every thursday. we dvr it and then watch it straight through. the week before last they dangled the chance that there could be a girl/girl relationship between callie and hahn. then last night, they had a guy with a brain tumor, inoperable of course, yet they wanted to try a new proceedure on him. he was in the military, served his duty, his dad was there, in the military too, and of course his commander was there too. in walks a "buddy" - who you could tell right away was more of than a buddy. they showed them kissing - but then the dad walked in - and he said that there was a "don't ask, don't tell" policy and he pushed his partner away.

made me wonder... first of all - i wouldn't want tbw to ever leave my side. second - why is it still that way? - we just aren't that deviant... will society ever accept us? it was sad. he died. they didn't get to say good bye to each other... we have come a long way - but we still have a long way to go. what would you do? what if your other's family didn't accept you? that would be hard.
would you? could you? all i know is that i would want her with me 24/7 - in my bed, next to me - forever and always.

round the corner

we had a good week and tbw gave me the best birthday as always. she bought me a cake and ice cream and we had some of the neighbors over. she got me an angel charm for my bracelet, the perfume i ran out of, and a cool new watch... she is the best...

the girls were here this weekend. they are fighting colds. we met friends for dinner and had good times. watched soccer in the pouring rain, and the sunshine today! we watched juno and 27 dresses - we liked them both...

the neighbor is rennovating her new place. we are stripping the wallpaper... it needs a lot of work - i hope she is making the right move - it is just going to take a lot of work... and $$$...

gotta start that video soon... yikes! back to work tomorrow - it is just around the corner...

bubble school

The bubble school is letting another 5 teachers go this year. All under the pretense that these teachers wanted to leave. not so much. one has been there for 11 years. they have been on her for a couple years. she finally decided to sign the paper. the paper TBW wouldn't sign.
the spanish teacher - gone. the spanish they had once a week isn't needed anymore since they have already gotten "blue ribbon" certification. the one teacher, i am stunned lasted as long as she did. i would say she is a "sister" but i could be wrong... don't think so though. the parents don't get it. are lied to... but how one principal can ruin the lives of people who have been dedicated to these kids is beyond me. not to mention which she is definately a "sister" - although i don't think i want her classified with me. times have changed. it is a bubble which will one day burst. oozing its yuck all over the town. can't wait until we are finished there... one more month!!!

i won't even get into this video i am doing for the 8th grade graduation... it is another post and another mess. the virgin cindy, (the vice principal) is spouting orders on what i can and can't do... one more month!!!

you're early... you're late...

well, i don't know which i am. you see with D2, she swears up and down every time we go to a game or practice that we are always late. late. late late! then today on the way to practice, she says, "Oh no, we are five minutes early again." Teenaged logic my friends. Don't try to understand it. Don't try to joke about it. Don't try to be logical. Don't just tell it like it is. Just accept the fact that you are:

wrong,
late,
early,
weird,
ridiculous,
mis-understood,
stupid,
not funny,
and did i mention...
wrong!

i have wanted to call my mom many times during the past week. it is hard. i know it will get harder.

work tomorrow... yuck. don't like that alarm at 5:30 a.m.

gone

Well, my Mom passed away the night I left. We all knew she would. It didn't really hit me until this week, when I would go to call her each night after work. I can't say enough nice things about the folks I work with - they gave me six paid days off and supported me. My rock as always, is and was, TBW.

We made it through the wake, the funeral service, the luncheon after. All of my family welcomed her - they didn't ask questions, we didn't put up a billboard - they just accepted us. I have lots of stories to tell - but that will be another day.

My sister and her family were in for almost a week. We had a house full - but it made the time fly by quickly. We still have to clean out her house... pay her bills... settle her finances... She is still with me. It feels like my support is gone. I get support from others, but there is a safe feeling you get only from your Mom.

We received a beautiful card from one of her dear friends - the saying inside is awesome. I am going to print it out for each of our kids. Death of someone you were close to gives you pause to take stock in your life and how you treat others. A simple smile, a warm hello - we need to give to each other. There is no one to credit for the poem - just Gibson cards...

A Mother's Love is Forever...

As children, we can't comprehend or fully realize -
The meaning of our mother's love,
how tender and how wise.
The patience and forgiveness
that are a part of every day.
The unexpected "little things"
she does in her own way.
Years go by before we can look back on life and see.
Through older eyes and wiser hearts
her love and loyalty.
And yet it's these and other special things
we all hold so dear.
For memories of her steadfast love will keep her ever near...

missing mom

i spent the weekend with my mom. she was bed-ridden, and not doing very well. i am so grateful for the time we shared together. i think she was too. she told me stories, some were real and some made me giggle at the thought of them - because they could never happen. D1 asked me if she was crazy - i told her it was like she was dreaming out loud and combining things from her life. she had her martini on saturday, part of a beer on sunday and she died early in the morning tuesday. leaving her monday night was very hard, but something i knew i had to do for her to let go.

it was worth the effort it took to get me there. financially, emotionally and physically. i will go into more detail about my trip later.

take the time to let those around you that are close know how special they are. i talked to my mom almost every day on the phone - even if it was to say "i love you" and "gotta go". i miss her.

random happenings

Emmett - one of our beloved doggies, went to the opthamologist the other day. He has no optical nerve and no retinas. He is blind. He won't get better. It is sad. But he loves us and now sits and lies right near us. That is cute.

We got our carpets cleaned today. Along with the chair and the couch - they look awesome. We are please - it is like we just bought the place.

Since the carpets were still wet and the furniture was in the kitchen - we used that as an excuse to go out for dinner. We are stuffed. TBW has her pants undone for some relief - that too makes me happy.

We both get to wear jeans tomorrow to work. Need I say more?

I got a couple good books at the library today. Why don't they stock some good lesbian stories? They might not go over too well in the bubble. TBW and I would like them.

My Mom had a good day. No complaints.

It is time to cuddle in and watch survivor... It is all good...

Just Waiting...

Well, we seem to be in waiting mode.

Waiting to get my discount on my phone that we just bought...

Waiting for TBW to qualify for a new phone...

Waiting for D1 to be decent to TBW...

Waiting for TBW to finish tutoring so we can start dinner...

Waiting for the dogs to settle down...

Waiting for my Mom to quit suffering...

My Mom is still facing her battle. Where as I am not ready to let her go, I don't want her to suffer any more. I can barely understand her now on the phone. The first question I ask her each day was usually, "How are you feeling today?" No need to ask that. Then I would ask, "What is for dinner?" Another mute question. I was up most of last night thinking about different things.

When she goes, I won't have a parent living. Someone I have always depended on. Someone who was there for me when I needed her. What does she feel? I know she is in pain. She doesn't know what day it is. She can't eat. She can't have her famous martinis. She can't even go to her front porch and say her prayers.

What does she think about? My sister says she has been talking to my Grandma. Wonder if she really sees her and is talking to her? Does she remember her life? Her struggles? Her successes? Her first boyfriend? First kiss? Her Mom and Dad? Her Grandparents?

Is she scared? You can't stop it, you have no control over it. Is she really proud of me - or was she just trying to get along?

Does she have regrets? Does she think about them? What would she do differently if she could do it all again?

Why is it people come to the funeral home, yet none of those people (well most of them anyways) never visited her in her house. Why don't we socialize any more? We all know life is limited - yet we live it like it is endless. Then we get to the end, we wish we would have done things differently.

She probably feels that way about her smoking. If she would have quit 10 years earlier - she probably would still be in her "nest" (that is what she calls her favorite chair) drinking her martinis. But we all put things off - whatever it is - weight loss, an apology, drinking, smoking, our outlook, etc.

I guess it is time to quit waiting so much. Tomorrow might not come. Make the changes today. At least begin now. What have you go to loose?

calmed down

tbw sure does keep me in line - she is the best. it is friday and i am glad.
we have the girls tonight - we went to isabelle's birthday dinner and are waiting to go to the movies.

tomorrow is date night...

the work week is over. tbw's badgers are getting beat - only 8 minutes left... the dogs are rolling and rolling. my mom didn't feel well today. she just talked to me weakly - i wish i could make her feel better...

tomorrow is date night...

frustrated

our computer upstairs has been a nightmare... i know better than to have not made a boot recovery disc (cause we can't actually ship the cd in with the computer when it is new) and i knew better than to not back up my pictures to CD BEFORE the CD drive crapped out. I also knew that my hard drive could go at any time.

1 new cd/dvd burner drive $65
1 new hard drive $58
1 external drive for back ups $109
1 virus protection software $35
1 boot recovery disc $28

bend over baby.

back up your files, photos and essentials
make your boot recovery disk

just do it!

The bigot is back

I have been reading a lot of blog entries or articles lately about acceptance. Most of them discuss the acceptance from "society". Whereas that is a worry in our life - our acceptance issues stem more at the home front - so to speak. The only people that I care about accepting us are our children. TBW's children are fine with us - it probably helps that they are grown, but nevertheless, they have always accepted us and that is great. Two out of three of my girls accept us, the third - not so much. The reasons for this are many, and I have talked about them before. Our society, the church, family and most of all, the X.

My Mom, as I have written before, accepts TBW and I. She has her own theories on us, but the bottom line is - she has accepted us. Last Saturday, she went into the hospital, or the ER, and they said she was in the beginning stages of kidney failure. That, along with her COPD, make treatment not an option. The X, took the girls south for the Easter holiday, and he was going to stop to see my Mom on the way home. That is a whole other blog - it didn't make me happy, for obvious reasons and because I wanted to take them, but the new job, lack of $$ made it impossible right now.

My sister lives near my Mom. She has been stressed lately with caring for my Mom. She has 24 hour help living with her - but my Mom always calls on my sister. Last night, after her martinis, my Mom sat D1 down next to her and told her that she should give TBW a chance, because she did and she likes her. That was the gist. Of course she said it with the X sitting in the same room. Now he is "happily" remarried, you think he could do what is best for the girls - accept and not be a bigot.

After their visit, they all went to my sister's to spend the night. (Yeah I know the X going there is weird - that is a good counseling session in itself!) The X sat down with my sister and her husband, and told them what my Mom had said. She could tell what was coming next and before he could get the words out, she stopped him and said, "You know what, my Mom has accepted my sister. Maybe it was for her, but the reason doesn't matter, she was able to do what was best, and that is all that matters." My sister rocks. Too bad it is wasted on the X - he'll just blabber it to the wife and probably his Mom. But, she did what she could.

The sad part is, he doesn't realize how he hurts the girls by being so bigoted. He, like many others focus on some kind of degenerate lifestyle that we must lead, rather than a beautiful relationship full of love. A relationship with its ups and downs, but full of joy. He doesn't now, or will he ever, realize that his actions, words and expressions express his bigotry to the girls. That this hurts them, it confuses them and most of all it desensitizes them to the vast array of people that make up this world.

We can only hope that one day those who we are near will accept us, as human beings with feelings and emotions, needs and wants just like everyone else. One day.

take off early...

my boss came over and told me to leave early for the weekend - that was nice - but it was really time for me to leave... i like the new job. it does make a difference. the girls are almost to georgia - they left at 6 this morning.

i was thinking about easter traditions today while sitting at my desk. those that we had when i was a little girl, those when i came home from college and those i have had with the girls - pre and post divorce.

my earliest recollection of easter is from when i was about 10 years old. our easter baskets were always placed in front of the fireplace. they would have jellybeans, chocolate bunnies and hard boiled eggs that we colored earlier in the week. we would go to church, and then to my cousin's house for dinner. at my cousin's we would search for eggs and candies. the eggs were either hard boiled, plastic (with money or candy).

as i got older and came home from college, i wanted my mom to still make me an easter basket. it had to have the same stuff in it that we had when i was younger. the traditions were the same, we just drank a lot more beer at my cousin's house during the celebration.

with my kids, they did the same thing. we would hide the eggs in the yard and my neices and nehpews would come over to search. they always sat on the edge of the patio and got their pictures taken before the hunt. they loved coloring the eggs or "balls" as D2 called them.

even after the big D - they have always colored eggs. last year they weren't even boiled - that is when i knew it was starting to loose its luster. this year - no egg coloring. TBW and i have gone to a friend's house for the past two years. We will go again this year. Last year she gave me WAY too much to drink. This year will be different... Maybe.

Do you remember your favorite easter?

well, i haven't blogged in a while - to say that things have been busy is an understatement. we have a few days to ourselves coming up as the girls are with their dad on a trip south. basketball season is over, volleyball season has only one game left after break and soccer is just starting up. i took D2 to the doctor for her 13 year old check up - a half a year late - but better late than never. she got three shots and is as tall as the doc. i almost didn't remember my chart number - which is funny because when they were small - i was in there so many times for ear infections and such - i knew it by heart. D2 loved wearing the paper robe - she looked good in it - we had fun waiting for the doc. Hard to believe she is 5 feet 6 inches...

D3 is 10 today - hard to believe - they are all growing up so fast. she and TBW went shopping for an outfit last weekend and she came back with a new wardrobe... They had fun and she looked cute and grown in her new duds.

The new job is going well. It is still a bit of a puzzle to me - but hopefully i will be able to work through it. it is a different place to work. a bit of a melting pot - so to speak. i haven't had to wear nice clothes for years - it definately takes time to pick out clothes in the morning.

We got new carpet in the family room this week - it looks very nice. We are trying to keep the 12 muddy paws off of it and we are trying to keep it "pee free". We'll see how long it lasts.

My mom has a lady living with her 24/7. She has just moved her cocktail hour up to compensate for her talking non-stop. I can only imagine how they get along. Hopefully my sister is feeling a little less stress - time wil tell.

D3 told me last week that the easter bunny wasn't real. she said, "come on mom, a bunny. i don't thing a bunny could do all that work. but i do still believe that santa is real. he is isn't he mom?" oh my. it made me laugh. this is the first year we didn't color eggs. at least i was able to do their baskets and just give them to them, rather than getting up early in the morning to put them on the fireplace. time... it sure is changing. i don't know if i am ready to grow up. i guess i don't have a choice.