life lessons...

D2 is learning a lot about high school athletics. being in the bubble for so long let her believe that all is fair in sports, that all kids make the team and they all play an equal amount. She also believed that since her high school is small - she wouldn't have to work hard to make the team.

Then there was the real world - outside the bubble.

Soccer practice - after being away for three weeks...

Conditioning is hard work. You work so hard you feel like you are going to throw up... You want to quit. The coach isn't going to engage you to get you moving - you have to do that yourself.

Hopefully she knows - if she works hard and tries hard - and has a good attitude - it will pay off.

I took her to practice last night - she learned her lessons - by living it. We chatted on the way home.

Today, she gave it her all and walked off the field with a smile on her face.

That's my girl. I was so proud of her!

home again, home again...

D1 and D2 are home again. they flew in today - i had to leave a meeting to go get them. they were starved. we stopped at panera and got a bite to eat. D2 was in the garage, i went and put my arms around her and she started to cry. she wanted to stay with me - not go to her dad's house. i told her that was fine - and let her cry some more. she needs me - i know they all do - but she really is in that time of her life where she needs her mom. that makes me happy. i don't want her to be sad - but i have been feeling a bit low about the girls all going to school 45 minutes away. so many people say, "how do you do it?" i just say i do what is best for the girls. it is hard - i don't know if it is right - but i will never make them feel they are in the middle of something between their dad and me.

TBW and i had a wonderful weekend. we got a lot of furniture brought in and rearranged from my mom's house. she feels a part of us now. the house looks wonderful. we went to a cookout on the 4th - were able to see the fireworks from our back yard - with our arms wrapped around each other - it was awesome. we had some friends over on the 5th - more good times. on sunday - we just went to the pool.

we watched the bucket list this weekend. it was predictable but it was good. got us to thinking about what would be on our list. then we were talking - would it be different if we knew we were dying? what would we do? TBW said she would just like to live by the beach. i don't know...
i need to think about it. What is on your list?

Vacation Happenings...

We are home from our trip south. It was an emotional time – in many ways. We started out on the 10 hour drive around 4:30 Friday afternoon. The drive was pretty uneventful. TBW was able to secure the last available hotel in Greensboro over the phone and the couple in the lobby was peeved to say the least – since she walked in after they were in line… They had to take the smoking room. Yuck I say. Yeah for us.

We got to my sister’s house around 2:30 in the afternoon. We chatted for a while and then my sister and I went to my Mom’s house to get prepared for the upcoming days. We cried and held each other – and just missed her. You see things laying around that you just put places as you are doing things – never knowing you aren’t going to come back to them. Things with her writing on it, when her writing – a telltale sign of her growing weakness - was getting very illegible during the last weeks. We went through the rooms – pointed out the things we each wanted. Looked through a couple of things – took a deep breath and went back to the house.

Played some corn hole, drank some beer and had pizza on the porch. Enjoyed the company of each other and the kids coming in and out to visit throughout the evening. They didn’t give us much of their time – but what they did was good.

Sunday, it was time to pack up. We started with her medicine. We gathered three bags of it to take to the pharmacist to get rid of. How she kept track of it I’ll never know. Most, she wrote in a little calendar – it was weird to see when the writing stopped. We talked about how she swore someone was trying to kill her. That someone was her caretaker – and she was trying to get her to take her medicine. She even said she only wanted bottled water at one point. It makes me sad to think of being that scared. We got a lot packed. A lot of memories. TBW did the hardest job and that was to sort through her clothes and bag them up. D3 helped her – D1 and D2 couldn’t do it. Not sure if that was laziness or grief… I’ll assume the latter. Sunday night we had a family dinner at the Mexican place. Believe it or not – no margaritas were had… Sunday night, as TBW read in the bedroom. D2 watched TV near me – and I sorted through piles of paperwork. When I looked up it was after midnight. I was drained.

Monday, we continued on with the packing. The relo cubes came around 3. What a way to go – I would recommend them over uhaul any day! They dropped them right in the driveway – easy access and easy load and pickup. We stopped around 4 and had dinner at my sister’s. Steak on the grill. They eat their meals differently. They just grab and growl and the TV was up so loud I thought I was the grandma in the situation. My sister just looked like – sorry… That evening, we came back to my Mom’s early. D2 and I did some hanging and TBW was on her second book. It was relaxing.

Tuesday, The sis and I headed to the SCBMV… What a well run place. They have some ladies in the middle of the place – where you go to explain what you need – she gives you the proper paperwork (of which I already had printed out – thank you very much) and tells you after you go fill it out – come back and they give you a number. Your number is then called and you go to the window they tell you. No waiting in lines for hours like here – only to realize you are missing something or it can’t be done. Very impressed. We now own a 1992 olds 98 and a mobile home! Whoot whoot. We laughed on the way out – because no one asked to even see a death certificate or will… Now, try to cancel the telephone and you need all those papers and a piece of her scalp! The kids had called – they wanted to go to the Hard Rock park – we said they could if they all went and no whining or fighting. They lasted until 4:00… Of course, it was time to load the pods. No kids, no husband – just the mighty three women. Bring it on!!! We did it all in 2 hours. You go girls. We bungee’d everything we could. Hopefully not much will shift during the ride J. D2, TBW and I went to dinner and the others ate at home. We met them at my nephew’s baseball game. They won in extra innings. Good game. We were tired!

Weds morning, we headed to the beach. If my beer intake over the next three days wasn’t so much – I am sure the sweating I did packing the cubes and car would have made me a little lighter. I guess we’ll worry about that later gator! We pulled in because they told us to come early and enjoy the pool. Got to the pool – ka boom – thunder… Back to the garage where our cars were. The kids laid on their beach towels, listened to ipods and played DS. Sis and I had a couple beers while sitting in our chairs. TBW held fort at the front desk… Hoping to get them moving along. Our room was wonderful – two bedrooms – one for the adults – one for the kids. Dinner at the Japanese steakhouse. I’ll have to tell that funny story in another post. D2 definitely doesn’t know when she is being flirted with…


Thursday morning was sunny. We headed to the pool. The kids came down as they woke up… The last one straggling in around noon. We floated in the lazy river… Drank a lot of beer… and swam in the pool. The kids had pizza and went to play putt putt… the adults went to drunkin jack’s. We did just that. TBW was the driver – she is a gem – as always. The Bloody Mary’s were great.

Friday we spent at the beach. Eventually the pool… Didn’t want the week to end. We went for burgers for dinner and could have used more down time before the drive home.

All in all – it could have been a lot more stressful than what it was. D1 and D2 are staying another week. We are back at work. That is the way life rolls.

where does the time go?

school is out... sports have died down - except for the high school activities - which the girls can drive to themselves... we have been so busy.

TBW and D3 and I will be driving to SC today and tomorrow. D2 and D1 flew yesterday - no hitches - on their own. another new milestone. we will be cleaning my mom's house for a couple of days, the relo cubes will be picked up and then we will head to the beach - for some relaxing time.

my mom's death won't hit me until we reach her home, enter and she isn't there. packing up her things that meant the world to her - yet we don't know what to do with - is sad. it will hit me then - like a ton of bricks.

D2 graduated 8th grade at the bubble school. she was very upset and sentimental at the end of the ceremony. after she cried for a while - i told her - don't worry those girls who were biotches a few days ago will show their true colors again in fall - so it is all good. going from big fish to small fish is new for her.

D1 finished the year with great grades, a new found independence with driving and going as she pleases. just waiting for the drinking and first real relationship to take hold. it scares me.

D3 is still 10 going on 17. she is the most responsible and the most willing to just hang with mom.

TBW and I have gotten back some nights alone while the girls are at their dad's house. that is nice too. we need that time.

our neighbor and friend moved 15 minutes away - we miss her.

the only other gay couple we know are splitting up...

time is changing. as always. there is always hope in tomorrow - and joy in today.
especially when the beach is involved...

ready to leave the bubble

D2 was off to kings island today with her class. she is getting near the end of the school year like everyone else and she is ready to bust out of the bubble. she said her friends are already treating her badly because she isn't going to bubble high. people! she said she is done... i don't blame her...

we have been so busy lately... just like everyone else. we took D3 to kentucky to the newport aquarium this weekend - we all had a great time. she bought a chapter book and read it on the in-between times... made me think back to the books i used to read. she doesn't have any interest in them. one of my favorites was, are you there god, it's me margaret? and then eventually forever... they were so good. she isn't even into the ramona books. if it doesn't have to do with sponge bob - it isn't cool.

TBW's daughter got a puppy named luigi... she got a mountain bike and she wants to "do" triathalons. yeah - me too. ha ha.

we have hads kidlets around quite a bit lately - at least the weather is warming up and there is activity in the bubble. who knew?

frustrated...

our main computer has been on the fritz for months on end... i had it up and running put in a new dvd burner and it wasn't working again... the cable came apart - could it be that simple? HA HA - no way!!! BUT TBW says it can... We will see who is right - I hope she is!

then there is the ongoing saga of getting my mom's accounts in order and getting the ability to access them. i really think that most places i am dealing with never have anyone die. i think they have had customers forever!

the electric company wanted to charge me $30 to put the bill in my name so i could pay her bill. she currently has it deducted from her checking account. the account that i am trying to close - so i wanted to make sure it got paid. but they wanted to charge me - i told them to send me the bill! they could do that! why don't they do that in the first place.

the bank told me i needed: power of attorney - i told them that was for when she was alive. then it was a certified death certificate - i could bring it in - there are no branches in this state. i could fax it - i told her then it wouldn't be certified... now i need to take the will to the probate court, get a form signed by the judge - and then we can access the dough. it is all a pain...

i am making a cheat sheet of all that needs to be done - so my kids never have to go through all this - of course it will all change by then.

got the bills from both funeral homes... i think the ocean is a good place for me...

could the gas prices get any higher? i guess they will... when are the big wigs gonna regulate that? it is definately frustrating!!!!

life is changing

as i have often said - life is changing - i guess if it wasn't - we wouldn't really be living. we have our neighbor and her daughter living here for a week or so while their new condo is being updated.

we are finalizing our plans for going to myrtle beach to finalize all of my mom's things... of which there are many. i need to write a cheat list so that if and when someone else close dies - i can remember all the stuff. ways to avoid probate, taxes, saving for this, filing that - freezing accounts, paying accounts - it goes on and on...

tbw's daughter has decided to stay in denver and not move to nyc with mr. perfect. she got a puppy named luigi. she is moving with one of her roommates - trying to find another place. she is somewhat uncertain about her life right now - as it is changing...

D2 is getting ready to graduate 8th grade. to go to a new high school - one where none of her friends are going. new changes for her - she is excited about that. D1 is looking for her first real job for the summer.

it is all a whirl wind... it is all good... well if it isn't at first - it somehow turns that way! especially with TBW at your side! enjoy your changes!

would you? could you?

tbw and i watch grey's every thursday. we dvr it and then watch it straight through. the week before last they dangled the chance that there could be a girl/girl relationship between callie and hahn. then last night, they had a guy with a brain tumor, inoperable of course, yet they wanted to try a new proceedure on him. he was in the military, served his duty, his dad was there, in the military too, and of course his commander was there too. in walks a "buddy" - who you could tell right away was more of than a buddy. they showed them kissing - but then the dad walked in - and he said that there was a "don't ask, don't tell" policy and he pushed his partner away.

made me wonder... first of all - i wouldn't want tbw to ever leave my side. second - why is it still that way? - we just aren't that deviant... will society ever accept us? it was sad. he died. they didn't get to say good bye to each other... we have come a long way - but we still have a long way to go. what would you do? what if your other's family didn't accept you? that would be hard.
would you? could you? all i know is that i would want her with me 24/7 - in my bed, next to me - forever and always.

round the corner

we had a good week and tbw gave me the best birthday as always. she bought me a cake and ice cream and we had some of the neighbors over. she got me an angel charm for my bracelet, the perfume i ran out of, and a cool new watch... she is the best...

the girls were here this weekend. they are fighting colds. we met friends for dinner and had good times. watched soccer in the pouring rain, and the sunshine today! we watched juno and 27 dresses - we liked them both...

the neighbor is rennovating her new place. we are stripping the wallpaper... it needs a lot of work - i hope she is making the right move - it is just going to take a lot of work... and $$$...

gotta start that video soon... yikes! back to work tomorrow - it is just around the corner...

bubble school

The bubble school is letting another 5 teachers go this year. All under the pretense that these teachers wanted to leave. not so much. one has been there for 11 years. they have been on her for a couple years. she finally decided to sign the paper. the paper TBW wouldn't sign.
the spanish teacher - gone. the spanish they had once a week isn't needed anymore since they have already gotten "blue ribbon" certification. the one teacher, i am stunned lasted as long as she did. i would say she is a "sister" but i could be wrong... don't think so though. the parents don't get it. are lied to... but how one principal can ruin the lives of people who have been dedicated to these kids is beyond me. not to mention which she is definately a "sister" - although i don't think i want her classified with me. times have changed. it is a bubble which will one day burst. oozing its yuck all over the town. can't wait until we are finished there... one more month!!!

i won't even get into this video i am doing for the 8th grade graduation... it is another post and another mess. the virgin cindy, (the vice principal) is spouting orders on what i can and can't do... one more month!!!

you're early... you're late...

well, i don't know which i am. you see with D2, she swears up and down every time we go to a game or practice that we are always late. late. late late! then today on the way to practice, she says, "Oh no, we are five minutes early again." Teenaged logic my friends. Don't try to understand it. Don't try to joke about it. Don't try to be logical. Don't just tell it like it is. Just accept the fact that you are:

wrong,
late,
early,
weird,
ridiculous,
mis-understood,
stupid,
not funny,
and did i mention...
wrong!

i have wanted to call my mom many times during the past week. it is hard. i know it will get harder.

work tomorrow... yuck. don't like that alarm at 5:30 a.m.

gone

Well, my Mom passed away the night I left. We all knew she would. It didn't really hit me until this week, when I would go to call her each night after work. I can't say enough nice things about the folks I work with - they gave me six paid days off and supported me. My rock as always, is and was, TBW.

We made it through the wake, the funeral service, the luncheon after. All of my family welcomed her - they didn't ask questions, we didn't put up a billboard - they just accepted us. I have lots of stories to tell - but that will be another day.

My sister and her family were in for almost a week. We had a house full - but it made the time fly by quickly. We still have to clean out her house... pay her bills... settle her finances... She is still with me. It feels like my support is gone. I get support from others, but there is a safe feeling you get only from your Mom.

We received a beautiful card from one of her dear friends - the saying inside is awesome. I am going to print it out for each of our kids. Death of someone you were close to gives you pause to take stock in your life and how you treat others. A simple smile, a warm hello - we need to give to each other. There is no one to credit for the poem - just Gibson cards...

A Mother's Love is Forever...

As children, we can't comprehend or fully realize -
The meaning of our mother's love,
how tender and how wise.
The patience and forgiveness
that are a part of every day.
The unexpected "little things"
she does in her own way.
Years go by before we can look back on life and see.
Through older eyes and wiser hearts
her love and loyalty.
And yet it's these and other special things
we all hold so dear.
For memories of her steadfast love will keep her ever near...

missing mom

i spent the weekend with my mom. she was bed-ridden, and not doing very well. i am so grateful for the time we shared together. i think she was too. she told me stories, some were real and some made me giggle at the thought of them - because they could never happen. D1 asked me if she was crazy - i told her it was like she was dreaming out loud and combining things from her life. she had her martini on saturday, part of a beer on sunday and she died early in the morning tuesday. leaving her monday night was very hard, but something i knew i had to do for her to let go.

it was worth the effort it took to get me there. financially, emotionally and physically. i will go into more detail about my trip later.

take the time to let those around you that are close know how special they are. i talked to my mom almost every day on the phone - even if it was to say "i love you" and "gotta go". i miss her.

random happenings

Emmett - one of our beloved doggies, went to the opthamologist the other day. He has no optical nerve and no retinas. He is blind. He won't get better. It is sad. But he loves us and now sits and lies right near us. That is cute.

We got our carpets cleaned today. Along with the chair and the couch - they look awesome. We are please - it is like we just bought the place.

Since the carpets were still wet and the furniture was in the kitchen - we used that as an excuse to go out for dinner. We are stuffed. TBW has her pants undone for some relief - that too makes me happy.

We both get to wear jeans tomorrow to work. Need I say more?

I got a couple good books at the library today. Why don't they stock some good lesbian stories? They might not go over too well in the bubble. TBW and I would like them.

My Mom had a good day. No complaints.

It is time to cuddle in and watch survivor... It is all good...

Just Waiting...

Well, we seem to be in waiting mode.

Waiting to get my discount on my phone that we just bought...

Waiting for TBW to qualify for a new phone...

Waiting for D1 to be decent to TBW...

Waiting for TBW to finish tutoring so we can start dinner...

Waiting for the dogs to settle down...

Waiting for my Mom to quit suffering...

My Mom is still facing her battle. Where as I am not ready to let her go, I don't want her to suffer any more. I can barely understand her now on the phone. The first question I ask her each day was usually, "How are you feeling today?" No need to ask that. Then I would ask, "What is for dinner?" Another mute question. I was up most of last night thinking about different things.

When she goes, I won't have a parent living. Someone I have always depended on. Someone who was there for me when I needed her. What does she feel? I know she is in pain. She doesn't know what day it is. She can't eat. She can't have her famous martinis. She can't even go to her front porch and say her prayers.

What does she think about? My sister says she has been talking to my Grandma. Wonder if she really sees her and is talking to her? Does she remember her life? Her struggles? Her successes? Her first boyfriend? First kiss? Her Mom and Dad? Her Grandparents?

Is she scared? You can't stop it, you have no control over it. Is she really proud of me - or was she just trying to get along?

Does she have regrets? Does she think about them? What would she do differently if she could do it all again?

Why is it people come to the funeral home, yet none of those people (well most of them anyways) never visited her in her house. Why don't we socialize any more? We all know life is limited - yet we live it like it is endless. Then we get to the end, we wish we would have done things differently.

She probably feels that way about her smoking. If she would have quit 10 years earlier - she probably would still be in her "nest" (that is what she calls her favorite chair) drinking her martinis. But we all put things off - whatever it is - weight loss, an apology, drinking, smoking, our outlook, etc.

I guess it is time to quit waiting so much. Tomorrow might not come. Make the changes today. At least begin now. What have you go to loose?

calmed down

tbw sure does keep me in line - she is the best. it is friday and i am glad.
we have the girls tonight - we went to isabelle's birthday dinner and are waiting to go to the movies.

tomorrow is date night...

the work week is over. tbw's badgers are getting beat - only 8 minutes left... the dogs are rolling and rolling. my mom didn't feel well today. she just talked to me weakly - i wish i could make her feel better...

tomorrow is date night...

frustrated

our computer upstairs has been a nightmare... i know better than to have not made a boot recovery disc (cause we can't actually ship the cd in with the computer when it is new) and i knew better than to not back up my pictures to CD BEFORE the CD drive crapped out. I also knew that my hard drive could go at any time.

1 new cd/dvd burner drive $65
1 new hard drive $58
1 external drive for back ups $109
1 virus protection software $35
1 boot recovery disc $28

bend over baby.

back up your files, photos and essentials
make your boot recovery disk

just do it!

The bigot is back

I have been reading a lot of blog entries or articles lately about acceptance. Most of them discuss the acceptance from "society". Whereas that is a worry in our life - our acceptance issues stem more at the home front - so to speak. The only people that I care about accepting us are our children. TBW's children are fine with us - it probably helps that they are grown, but nevertheless, they have always accepted us and that is great. Two out of three of my girls accept us, the third - not so much. The reasons for this are many, and I have talked about them before. Our society, the church, family and most of all, the X.

My Mom, as I have written before, accepts TBW and I. She has her own theories on us, but the bottom line is - she has accepted us. Last Saturday, she went into the hospital, or the ER, and they said she was in the beginning stages of kidney failure. That, along with her COPD, make treatment not an option. The X, took the girls south for the Easter holiday, and he was going to stop to see my Mom on the way home. That is a whole other blog - it didn't make me happy, for obvious reasons and because I wanted to take them, but the new job, lack of $$ made it impossible right now.

My sister lives near my Mom. She has been stressed lately with caring for my Mom. She has 24 hour help living with her - but my Mom always calls on my sister. Last night, after her martinis, my Mom sat D1 down next to her and told her that she should give TBW a chance, because she did and she likes her. That was the gist. Of course she said it with the X sitting in the same room. Now he is "happily" remarried, you think he could do what is best for the girls - accept and not be a bigot.

After their visit, they all went to my sister's to spend the night. (Yeah I know the X going there is weird - that is a good counseling session in itself!) The X sat down with my sister and her husband, and told them what my Mom had said. She could tell what was coming next and before he could get the words out, she stopped him and said, "You know what, my Mom has accepted my sister. Maybe it was for her, but the reason doesn't matter, she was able to do what was best, and that is all that matters." My sister rocks. Too bad it is wasted on the X - he'll just blabber it to the wife and probably his Mom. But, she did what she could.

The sad part is, he doesn't realize how he hurts the girls by being so bigoted. He, like many others focus on some kind of degenerate lifestyle that we must lead, rather than a beautiful relationship full of love. A relationship with its ups and downs, but full of joy. He doesn't now, or will he ever, realize that his actions, words and expressions express his bigotry to the girls. That this hurts them, it confuses them and most of all it desensitizes them to the vast array of people that make up this world.

We can only hope that one day those who we are near will accept us, as human beings with feelings and emotions, needs and wants just like everyone else. One day.

take off early...

my boss came over and told me to leave early for the weekend - that was nice - but it was really time for me to leave... i like the new job. it does make a difference. the girls are almost to georgia - they left at 6 this morning.

i was thinking about easter traditions today while sitting at my desk. those that we had when i was a little girl, those when i came home from college and those i have had with the girls - pre and post divorce.

my earliest recollection of easter is from when i was about 10 years old. our easter baskets were always placed in front of the fireplace. they would have jellybeans, chocolate bunnies and hard boiled eggs that we colored earlier in the week. we would go to church, and then to my cousin's house for dinner. at my cousin's we would search for eggs and candies. the eggs were either hard boiled, plastic (with money or candy).

as i got older and came home from college, i wanted my mom to still make me an easter basket. it had to have the same stuff in it that we had when i was younger. the traditions were the same, we just drank a lot more beer at my cousin's house during the celebration.

with my kids, they did the same thing. we would hide the eggs in the yard and my neices and nehpews would come over to search. they always sat on the edge of the patio and got their pictures taken before the hunt. they loved coloring the eggs or "balls" as D2 called them.

even after the big D - they have always colored eggs. last year they weren't even boiled - that is when i knew it was starting to loose its luster. this year - no egg coloring. TBW and i have gone to a friend's house for the past two years. We will go again this year. Last year she gave me WAY too much to drink. This year will be different... Maybe.

Do you remember your favorite easter?

well, i haven't blogged in a while - to say that things have been busy is an understatement. we have a few days to ourselves coming up as the girls are with their dad on a trip south. basketball season is over, volleyball season has only one game left after break and soccer is just starting up. i took D2 to the doctor for her 13 year old check up - a half a year late - but better late than never. she got three shots and is as tall as the doc. i almost didn't remember my chart number - which is funny because when they were small - i was in there so many times for ear infections and such - i knew it by heart. D2 loved wearing the paper robe - she looked good in it - we had fun waiting for the doc. Hard to believe she is 5 feet 6 inches...

D3 is 10 today - hard to believe - they are all growing up so fast. she and TBW went shopping for an outfit last weekend and she came back with a new wardrobe... They had fun and she looked cute and grown in her new duds.

The new job is going well. It is still a bit of a puzzle to me - but hopefully i will be able to work through it. it is a different place to work. a bit of a melting pot - so to speak. i haven't had to wear nice clothes for years - it definately takes time to pick out clothes in the morning.

We got new carpet in the family room this week - it looks very nice. We are trying to keep the 12 muddy paws off of it and we are trying to keep it "pee free". We'll see how long it lasts.

My mom has a lady living with her 24/7. She has just moved her cocktail hour up to compensate for her talking non-stop. I can only imagine how they get along. Hopefully my sister is feeling a little less stress - time wil tell.

D3 told me last week that the easter bunny wasn't real. she said, "come on mom, a bunny. i don't thing a bunny could do all that work. but i do still believe that santa is real. he is isn't he mom?" oh my. it made me laugh. this is the first year we didn't color eggs. at least i was able to do their baskets and just give them to them, rather than getting up early in the morning to put them on the fireplace. time... it sure is changing. i don't know if i am ready to grow up. i guess i don't have a choice.

tgif

it is friday - it needs to be!!!

up and down

i started my new job on monday. i was in orientation for a day and a half. i like the company a lot. i think i will like my job a lot. our computer (our main one) is still not working. i haven't gotten paid for my last week at the last job... and worst of all - my mom was in a diabetic coma this morning - after 6 paramedics put her on an iv for many different things - she came around... who knows for how long. plane ticket from ohio to south carolina for the weekend - $984... what??? wish we could go - but we can't afford it...

one to go.

well tomorrow is my last day as a contractor... i start my new job on Monday morning. life has been a bit on the stressful side. to say the least. i am excited to start the new job.

my mom has not been doing well - it is amazing how death looming and an aging parent can make you feel so hopeless. i know she is not ready yet because she is still afraid. when she is calm with it, i know it won't be long.
it makes you stop and think... to count your blessings... to have you get rid of the small petty stuff... and hold your loved ones close.

highlights from the week...

well, to say we have been living through some stress would be putting it mildly... so, instead of writing volumes, we'll just highlight the past week...

i interviewed for a new job at a big company

my sister called - my mom isn't doing well - i can tell that from talking to her...

the big company called for a second interview

all my cubby-mates overheard and wanted to know the gossip

D2 has basketball business going on causing her to cry after practice

book flight to SC to see my mom - by myself...

DSL provider sends mail that we are spewing viruses all over the place - they will terminate service if we don't fix

try to upgrade virus software on machine.

it messes with the registry - computer keeps rebooting

support is available, but it will cost you...

go to SC, leave TBW, arrive, get to mom's, when going to bed, she falls from toilet and it takes us 2.5 hours to get her back to bed.

mom wants pedicure, so three hours later - that is done...

receive phone call that flight home has been cancelled.

call airline - listen to 90 prompts, but can't get a human

mom's inernet is on dialup... for the love of God!

TBW gets me a flight home at 10:20 - cutting my trip way short

interview woman to come help my mom - have it worked out

get home, go to second interview

get to my desk - they offered me the job!!!

talk to my mom - she can't afford lady, so she is going to let the doctor prescribe hospice care for her.

D2's basketball season continues on - they are 0-10 - but they are winning the tournament. it will go on two more weeks. and he added more practices.

snow, snow, snow...

still no computer upstairs and someone spilled a drink on this keyboard and the keys stick, and don't type right.
no reading blogs for me...

i am excited to start my new job on the 3rd...

my mom wants TBW and I to visit for easter... (that is a lot from her... she loves us both!)

sometimes all the stress, and down times make you really appreciate the ups.

the talk...

I was all set to go see D3 play her last game of basketball. Then D2 came up from the basement when I got home from work to tell me that the confirmation meeting cancelled in December is tonight. ARGHHHHH! I have sat through this already with D1. It is a talk on abstinence (spelling on that one...). A TWO hour talk on abstinence.

I'll let you know the highlights. I am sure I will take notes!

Accepting it.

I am going to visit my Mom this weekend. I have been talking to her daily and I can tell from our conversations, she is getting worse. One day last week, she told me she bounced a few checks. First of all, in my Mother's entire life, she has never been late on a payment, let alone bounce something. This didn't bother her. (yet another clue) This is the woman who spent hours upon hours talking to me about just the thought of switching investment brokers. She was able to finish raising two girls on her own after my Dad died. He died without his pension, and she was able to do it with what they had in the bank. She put me and my sister through college, and managed to retire in her early sixties. Yesterday, she told me she thought she paid her visa bill, but couldn't find the stub. The bank hadn't received it, so she couldn't remember. We figured out she must have mailed the entire statement along with her check.

She doesn't eat much, because she can't really stand and make it. She has switched from gin martinis to manhattans. Problem is, my sister couldn't find all the ingredients for the drink - so I think she is having Jim Beam and ... Jim Beam. I ask her each day if she has taken her meds - the response is the same - "I haven't had the past 4". I don't really understand what that means. She needs to be in an assisted living facility - but will hear nothing of it.

Last week, she had the guy from the funeral home out. They say as get older and are dying later in life, there is a time in which you accept it and are not afraid of it anymore. I witnessed it with my Grandma. She would always say she was scared to die. She had a son she hadn't seen in years and she requested he come see her - he did. Later that evening, she asked for a beer, and died in her sleep. I think my Mom has come to terms with her mortality. She has said once her quality of life has diminished, she will be ready to go. Problem is, I don't think my sister and I are ready for her to go. I am sure once I go there this weekend, she will be ready.

I guess that makes me scared. She is my support - no matter how old we get. No matter what her opinions are and how crotchety she can be. She got where she is in life because she doesn't let people run over her, she gets the bang for her buck, and she isn't afraid to speak her mind. Where as she may not understand TBW and I, she accepts that she is my partner. I have always wanted my parent's support and done things as I thought they would want me to do them. That in itself made it very hard for me to be honest about my sexuality.

I guess it is time to let go. To stand on my own so to speak. If you would have told me five years ago that my life would be what it is now, I would not have believed you. Not that I regret it, I truly don't. I just never thought I would have the courage to do it. As I type this, I look at my hands and realize they look just like my Mom's when I was young. It was always hard thinking of your parents as young... dating... having fun without kids... falling in love... They did, and they lived their lives as they knew how in the best way possible.

I don't really know what I believe as in an "after life". Do you meet up with loved ones again? How would your first husband or wife take it if you meet up and say you are waiting for your second one? If it is true we all meet up - what if they have found someone else there? Because we don't have concrete answers, thinking about it isn't always easy. How are we in the after life? Young, old, in a body, just a soul? I am scared of death. For many reasons, which is a whole other blog entry. I guess for now, I have to be like my Mom and accept that she is closer to the finish line than the start. She is riding it out as best she can, with as much dignity she can muster. Life is hard - so hard, she wants to give up. Who can say I blame her? I guess it is time to not be so selfish, give her what love I can for the weekend. Make her a faux manhattan and relax and let her be.

life moments

life is filled with many moments - some that are happy and some that are sad. having someone who you can go through it with and depend on and love unconditionally makes all of those moments more enjoyable. i have a couple of "rough" moments or patches currently in my life.

first of all tbw is the best, she takes care of me, loves and is my other half. it hasn't been an easy road for us, that is putting it lightly. we have been stressed for so many reasons lately. she is starting to wear it on her face. i know she loves me unconditionally - but our life seems to be putting her through the ringer lately. my kids, her job, my job, the dogs (they like to play fight and growl a lot!), the neighbor (we love her dearly - where as those are her problems, tbw listens every day and offers great advice), my mom, her kids, the X - his actions, reactions, non-actions, bills, you get the gist. i feel like sometimes i am not worth it. i know many people have worse problems, i just hope and wish we have the strength to push past it - without some kind of health issue.

then there is my mom. she is getting worse and worse. she has trouble talking, my sister is stressed in trying to care for her - and says she can barely keep her eyes open. she barely has an appetite. she tells me things that you want to say to someone you love every time i talk to her on the phone - as if it might be the last time i talk to her. i'm gonna try to go and visit her next weekend. she told me it is only a matter of time at this point. not words you want to hear, yet what is her quality of life. how scared must she be.

she told me last night that i deserve some good in my life. i need to be proud of who i am and that i deserve good things. of all the people in this world who i thought i could be "gay" with - she wasn't one of them. yet, she accepts tbw and i for who we are. she may not understand it - but she wants us to be happy. that is huge.

it is hard to let go. and i know going there will be one more step in doing that. i know i have to go, and i want to see her - but i don't want her to quit fighting... there are times i still need my mom. we never outgrow that.

wiped out

i am ready for margarita night at the mexican place... what a week this has been. last night, D2 and I drove to see D1 play her basketball game - so we got home late. I have been taking an antibiotic for my dental work that was done last week. I got into bed and I told TBW I thought I had a yeast infection - things itched - it was 11:05. She got up and went to the store to get me some medicine. She is the best - it feels so much better today. Who knew. That has never happened to me before.

This morning, (D2 is either grouchy or happy - unfortunately you don't get to pick which one). Today was grouchy. So leaving wasn't the best, and I pull out onto the main street and thump, thump - look in the rear view mirror - there is fur flying. Don't know what I hit - I just hope it didn't suffer.

My work experience at this company has been very isolated for the most part. It is me and well me. Two young bucks moved into our area. They are a hoot to listen to. There is one super geeky developer type and one athletically built geeky type. The guy that has always sat next to me is very quiet, older hippie type. Well, when hippie was in. Now he is just organic calm guy. Today, the younguns were talking non stop - I couldn't tune it out. Then this girl came over to talk to the athletic one. I about laughed out loud. She acts like she has a pole up her butt and doesn't talk to anyone. She was over there talking to him about protein powder and how yucky it tastes (she is a size 0) and giggling to save her life. OMG it had me hysterical - and athletic guy had no clue she was flirting. I may have to give them some life lessons. I think it is in my job description.

have mercy! I think I am gonna need my headphones and music...

fat tuesday

yippee... hooo ha. time to celebrate. i guess it is called super tuesday too. to me it was just tuesday - time to watch the biggest loser - we love that show. i hope it isn't pre-empted. just give me the final people to choose between and then we can get down to the issues. i hate it when the turn ugly on each other and turn everything around to the other person. i think there should be a limit on what they can spend campaining and they can't talk about the other person. Let's hear what YOU are gonna do for us.

It is 60 degrees here in the bubble. Basically means the ground has thawed and of course it is raining. What that REALLY means is there are 12 paws full of mud. They came in to eat this morning and the mud on the walls had my Dad turning over in his grave. When we were little, we had this off white carpet, and shoes came off when you stepped in the door. He always picked up fuzz, swept the driveway and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Now I know why - back then I just thought he should relax a little. Let's just say if your cheese curl lands on the floor - throw it away.

I was planning on taking D3 to the ski resort (well our version - resort might be a stretch) to go tubing this weekend. Better check the conditions first. It might be a hill of ice - or maybe even grass.

Eat up cause lent starts tomorrow. Maybe I'll give up...
mushrooms...
kidney beans...
liver...
oysters...
What are you giving up?

It's Monday Baby...

The weekend has come and gone. Why do they always go so quickly?

The new doo was easy to fix this morning. I think it looks like Liza Manelli - (however you spell her name). TBW's is very cute. It is fun to pass a mirror because the person looks familiar - but then I realize it is me!

D2 called me at work today to ask me where the bread was. We haven't had bread in months - I would buy it and then throw it out. So, why buy it (I am so smart sometimes). I asked her why she didn't have her usual snack - she said she was out. Hard to believe she went through all that stuff in such a short period of time - and she did. Good thing she is active - if it were me - 50 pounds.

The weather is getting warmer - so I took the dog on a walk with the neighbor - hard not to go get a beer to relax. Kinda goes against getting in shape. TBW is tutoring right now. She is the best.

Can you believe it is February already? Meg - when I feel comfortable taking a picture of the new doo - I'll let you know. It is as short as the dog's!!!

buzzed...

not buzzed in a good way - well the kind that is alcohol induced. TBW and I are buzzed as in our hair. A friend's sister cut our hair last night and they are both short! Yikes. It will look great in a few weeks.

I had a marathon dental appointment yesterday. Three hours I sat in the chair. I listened to D2's ipod. It was a treat. She has quite a range. I had one crown done and she replaced 3 of my metal fillings. Such fun. We are hoping that the crown works and I don't have to have a root canal. It is all such a bargain.

It is Friday. Yippee.

I haven't been the best in coming out to some of my friends. They usually hear it through the X or some kind of gossip. I know this isn't the best way to handle things - but I am who I am, live where I live and my friends - I don't know if they can handle it or not. Anyways. I had one just ask me today. Of course she knew - I knew she knew. It is all just weird. We side stepped it for three years. She couldn't hold it in any longer. We used to be very close - then we weren't. So who knows where it will go from here. But I can put a check mark next to another name.

When I read about how others are out and about - many years, much support, etc, etc. it makes me feel insignificant. We'll get there. Someday - somehow. One friend at a time.

Guess it is miller time - the other kind of buzzz....

random stuff

it was 50 degrees here yesterday - today it is -1 with the wind chill.

our garage door was frozen shut this morning

D2 brought the trash cans AND recycle bins in without being asked.

I don't have a clue who to vote for.

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow for a crown and 2 filing replacements.

being an electrician is not my calling.

i want new countertops in the kitchen and new carpet in the family room.

the biggest loser motivates me until weds evening :)

i think i'll build a fire and have a beer!

gayelle

Driving to work today, we made the news. We, as in us "lesbians". The local radio station said that lesbians don't like that label any more. They said the new term we want to be called is "gayelle". Gay as in "gay" and elle as in "she". Now here in the bubble, we are somewhat remote, so I was totally unaware of this new term. I can't find the source of the info either... if I do, I'll let you know.

In other news, a study printed in USA today, says 44 is the worst age, the age where the probability of depression peaks. Finding myself at this age, I read on. It seems to be the answer to all my problems. "Middle age makes you miserable, so don't blame your job, your kids, your spouse, your income or lack of it, suggests a study of 2 million people from 80 nations released today." They go on to say it is completely normal and should go away in a couple years...

Psheeew! I thought it was all this bigotry with me being a "gayelle"...

what is a mother to do?

A few of the RSG (recovering straight girl) blogs out there have been addressing the issue of coming out. obviously being an RSG, means that you are coming out later in life and this is to your family - parents and/or children. I am often envious when I read those blogs because most, if not all of them have children, many of them are younger, not too many with older kids. Their outing seemed to be behind them, and they have support from their kids and parents. My story is a bit different.

My parents consist of my Mom. My Dad died in 1983. She never remarried (that is a whole other blog) and she currently lives in South Carolina. I had inklings of who I was throughout my young life, but never really given the option of dating a girl, I never really gave it much credence. I had thoughts, feelings and wonderings, but never thought I could do something about them. That was the environment I lived in. My Mom loved my X and I never let her in on my personal life with him. I did what I was expected to do (marry and reproduce) and just was... When I met TBW, I know she knew there was more to it than friendship. Mothers just know. She let it slide. She, like everyone else around me couldn't understand how I could leave "the good life" and try it on my own. I didn't want to tell her because I knew she wouldn't accept it. You just stayed married. That is what she did. She found out by telling my story to the nurse while she was in the hospital. The nurse told her I was gay. I have never met that nurse. She denied my relationship and who I was the first year of my divorce. I wrote her a very long letter that took me many hours to write. She threw it away, unopened. In the year or so, she has come to terms with who I am. It hasn't been easy and for sure she doesn't still completely understand me. But, she does try, and she does accept TBW as my partner.

When I came out, my daughters were 7, 10 and 13. I didn't really come out in the best way - not that given my circumstance there would be a good way. Being they were all in different stages of development, telling them was in different ways. Long story short, my oldest had the most problem. It was all the gossip in our bubble. The bubble-ites love some good gossip. So the down side was things her friend's parents said and made up that hurt her. I understood that and we dealt with it accordingly. That is why we didn't have a grand opening of coming out - so to speak. She had her own issues as far as her friends, school and sports were concerned. She wanted to start fresh, in the town I grew up, at a much smaller high school. I was so proud of her for doing that. This is the town the X practices in, so getting her there isn't a problem. She is thriving there.

But then we have the X. He is very homophobic. He has family to back it. They love to gossip and they love to be the type of "christians" who judge others and get the juicy story. They think I suck, am an awful mother to do this to her children, and that I am just making my girls' life miserable. I have always wanted to work for the best interest of the girls. To never make them a victim of parent's fighting for their love out of guilt or making them choose A or B. That is what he said he wanted too.

The problem is, D1 is living with him and his new wife in that town. Their values and "ways" are rubbing off on her. That with the fact she has her own suv, credit card and no curfew make me look not so good.

I am having a hard time with it all. Why are people so bigoted? We are not weird, derranged or immoral. I don't care about the X - he has been that way since I've known him. I am scared D1 is going to be too much like him. Sometimes we put ourselves in such a pristine bubble, it sucks to live in it. I just want to love my wonderful partner and give my girls the best I can. Sometimes it just seems there are too many things going against me in achieving that. I won't give up though, but sometimes I sure do get beaten down.

long weekend

it has been an exceptionally stressful weekend. I have a lot to be grateful for, and a lot of room for improvment. in my world it sucks, relative to having a terminal illness, or the mess our country is in - it doesn't. We are going to veg on the couch. I am drained, I have a lot to capture, and I will sometime soon... Mama said there would be weekends like these... She wasn't lyin'.

The best thing in my life...

TBW is without a doubt the best thing in my life. I don't deserve her, but I am so happy I have her... I am wondering where my brain has been... It appears I didn't make my car payment last month. There appears to be a small pile of bills that I "lost". Now I don't know where I put them. I don't know where they are now... She called and acted like me, paid the bill over the phone and got the late fee taken off :) We got them all resolved. Together.

She puts things in perspective.

She believes in me.

She takes care of me.

She loves me unconditionally.

She always listens (whether I am ranting, just talking, or being silly)

She makes sure I take my medicine.

She always scratches my back...

Oh yeah, and she is hot!

10 reasons why this day sucks!

1. traffic sucked this morning because we got 1/4 of an inch of snow... some people go 80 and the others go 20. this works well - NOT!

2. I emailed the company I work for and asked why my vacation time said -22 when I had 37 hours of vacation coming to me.

Answer - vacation doesn't roll over. Bite me!

3. I had to go to the dentist. I haven't been since my last crown/root canal. Guess what? Yepper, another tooth needs a crown - and most likely - another root canal. Bite me again!!!!

4. I made soup for dinner, it has been in the crock pot simmering and it looks yucky - bet it tastes like crap too! Don't bite that!

5. I misplaced a bill that is due soon, can't find it... Now I have to go pay it in person... That is if I can find the statement from last month to get the account number...

6. The CD/DVD writer on our computer won't write CDs or DVDs, but will play them... HP is aware of that, but the computer is JUST out of warranty... bite me again!!!

7. TBW called about getting an invisible collar thing for the puppy... They have puppy packages starting at $489... Just the collar - oh that will be $289! Gotta love the bubble's requirement for fences.

8. It is cold, and dreary, and cloudy and wet outside... To be colder, drearier and cloudier tomorrow... Not so much wet.

9. My Mom can barely breathe, is doing poorly and I can't do a thing for her. She lives many miles away. I wish I could make her feel better. I wish we could visit her more often.

10. Aunt Flo came to visit and I am pretty sure she is here with a vengance!

I guess things could be a lot worse - so I'll quit my bitching. I'm gonna put on my big girl panties (cause lord knows that is all that fits) and deal with it.

AACK!!!

Since they have banned all fun stuff from the internet now at work, I thought I would peruse an actual news sight... This is from presidential hopeful Mr. Huckabee (on cnn.com)...

"I think the radical view is to say that we're going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal," he said in the interview, published on the Web site Wednesday. "Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again."

then it says...

Huckabee has previously come under fire for past comments on homosexuality. In his 1998 book "Kids Who Kill," the onetime Baptist minister seemed to link homosexuality with sexually deviant and criminal behavior.

"It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations — from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and necrophilia," he wrote.

Wow... let's try to focus here folks.

Help Wanted:

I haven't really done my resume in years. Like about 22 to be exact... I need to do it and I just don't want to. I am sure the format and content have changed since I last did one! Why can't they just call me up and we'll sit down over coffee and discuss my great work abilitites? I can't even remember what I did at my last job. How much detail do I need to include? Yuck. It was boring work... Then I have to try to spice it up and make it sound so "corporate". Or maybe that isn't the trend anymore either. Wish I was more tech-y, those peeps can just put in key words that managers look for, but don't really understand. They can't ask questions about it because - they don't understand... There is a job that I want to go for, so I guess I had better get moving. I think I'll take Ellie on a walk and clear my mind. I am sure it will write itself while I am gone...

home again, home again, jiggity jig

Well, the journey to Denver was fun and full of activity. Of course the cold that TBW had New Year's and I got the week later, fell upon D2 hard Friday night. I'll talk more about that later.

Thursday night, we flew into Denver and J met us at the airport. We went to her apartment that she shares with 3 other girls and got settled in. It is perfect for them, they all have their own bedroom and only two have to share a bath. We got ready and Mr. Perfect came over to drive us to dinner. We went to an Italian place and met his parents there. It was a great evening and we enjoyed getting to know all of them. I must say they make a cute couple and they seem to even each other out.

Friday we slept in and headed to downtown Denver to do some shopping. D2 had money to burn, and she did! It was a fun time. We came back so J could get ready to cheer. Her beauty maintenance is very hefty - but it shows in the final product. I guess I could take a lesson or two... She dropped us off at a sports bar place so we could eat and wait until the game began. She was able to get us three tickets - good thing because we checked and the cheapest was about $120. The game was a lot of fun. We enjoyed seeing her cheer. D2 started going down hill fast with the cold, so we met a few of the other cheerleaders and then headed back home.

Saturday, D2 was crying because it hurt to breathe. The cold, along with flying, the new altitude, was really kicking her. She was miserable. So off to urgent care we went. This put our departure time for the mountain later than we wanted. But, what could we do? We got her prescriptions filled and we were off. Mr. Perfect drove us. The drive was beautiful. You drive through this tunnel and then on the other side it was all snowy white. We checked into our hotel and D2 went right to bed. The four of us went to dinner and had a great time. We stopped at the grocery and picked up some chicken and rice soup for D2 and some beer for Mr. Perfect and myself. We stayed up late talking.

Sunday morning was slow. Mr. P was doing a photo shoot of J. TBW couldn't ski because of her wrist, and D2 was obviously down for the count. She wasn't feeling too well, so I didn't feel right leaving her to go ski. So, we went on the photo shoot, ate a great lunch and shopped. D2 laid down in the car for the shopping part. We left the mountain in the early evening.

Next time, I am definately staying longer in the mountains. I think we will stay there the whole time, and Mr. P and J can come to us. It was so beautiful, the air was crisp, but warmer than here. The snow was beautiful and the people there so friendly. All I can say is, I want more!

Calgon take me away!!! To Denver.

CALGON!!!!

I am getting grouchy and it is time to vent. All things said are the result of a rant, therefore I am not responsible for punctuation, grammar or - why not - its content...

1. A 13 year old who thinks she is in control and is driving me nuts.
If you don't see things her way - you are just weird...

- her schedule is THE schedule, work yours around it.

- her room is her "space" - the clothes on the floor (including, socks in a ball, inside out, bras, undies, etc), the laptop on its side charging on the floor, her shoes, coat, bookbag, various christmas presents (in boxes and out), half filled water bottles, cell phone charger, comforter on floor, sheet somewhere at the bottom of the bed, candy wrappers and clean clothes strewn and folded in the hampers (returned from the laundry room) - is all acceptable and "why does it bother you?"

- she is going to her Dad's tonight because he got them all "High Sch00l Mus1cal on Ice" tickets for tonight. Never mind she has not packed one stitch of clothing for Denver, and that he will be there at 3:30 to pick her up. Not to mention that I told her over and over that was going to be what was happening and that she needs pack her things for Denver. (I know, I know!)

- her bed time is 10:00. BUT... according to her I don't understand that she CAN'T get to sleep, she lays awake for hours, and that she doesn't NEED all that sleep. Yet, in the morning, it takes me walking in her room to wake her up, then yelling up to her to get down to eat breakfast. Then, after she eats, she sets four different alarms to get her up to make the bus. She doesn't see anything wrong with this system.

- our conversation last night in the car on the way to basketball.

D2 - Last Friday, Mrs. Scienceteacher told us that we should do the review questions in our science book for our science midterm for review.

She said it was voluntary, but it would be helpful with our review. Then today she said that since we probably had them finished already, that we would have to hand them in tomorrow.
That sucks. I never do those questions because they are a waste of time.

Me - That would be the first thing I would do, if she said it was going to be useful for the exam.

D2 - Yeah I know, you are a goodie-two-shoes. So are B and A (her friends). They were already finished with them. I asked D if I could use her notecards because she told me she was getting C's on her tests lately. I hate studying from note cards.

Trying to understand her logic...

Me - Why wouldn't you use B or A's notecards instead of D's? If notecards don't work for you, then I would be happy to work with you on another way to study. You could always type them into a file on your laptop, organize it and print it out for a study guide.

D2 - I don't need to do all that, I'll just stick with her note cards.

There was more said, but you get the gist...

- TBW and I are on the computer, trying to find someplace to stay near the ski resort, TBW is on the phone, D2 yells, "Mom!" to which I answer quietly - "Just a minute". She gets off the couch, sees what we are doing, says, "Mom!". I hold my finger up, (like just a minute), she walks over to where we are, says, "Mom". I said what... She asks if I will cut an apple for her, and looks apalled that we can't talk on the phone and listen to her at the same time. Like that was some URGENT problem that warranted her interrupting. We are just so lame... (I am sure if I bothered her while she was on the phone, she would be so understanding and calm)

THEN...
We spend hours upon hours looking at places to stay where we are going skiing. Now by skiing, I mean just me. TBW went to the doc for her wrist, it is only 60% healed and he said she could ski, but she is afraid to - which I totally understand. D2 - doesn't want to ski - she would if she had a friend there, and she HAS to study (kinda ironic when we put so much emphasis on it above :)) TBW's D1 doesn't want to ski because she wants to spend time with TBW - and she can do it whenever she wants. So, that leaves her boyfriend (aka - Mr.Perfect - model, avid skier and total hot dude (according to D1)) I haven't even met the guy and they want me to ski with him - I'll be lucky to make it down a bunny hill - he is probably mogul man... I don't think so. So, Ihave resigned myself to skiing alone. I am independent now - so I can do it and I am looking forward to it. Really, I am...

But as usual I digress about the search for a place to stay. There are millions of places to stay. Most require a 3 night stay. All of them are expensive. Where do people get this money??? We found a perfect place, plenty of room, not reasonable, but we could do it - then they add 10.75% in tax and a $100 cleaning fee. We aren't that dirty people and it is one night! To top that off - they require an additional $500 check which they will hold, not cash until the cleaning people (those are probably the people who CAN afford to stay there at that rate) verify that we didn't trash the place. Blah, blah, blah - the search continues with various text messages to D1 - all resulting in a big fat - we have no place to stay.

So... now TBW is stressed, worried that things aren't planned, and upset that we are picking D2 up from her Dad's, instead of him bringing her back to our house. We have to take the puppy to D3... The dogs... the kids... the lodging... (I keep seeing that calgon commercial) I know it will all work out, but good grief Charlie Brown...

Why is it so complicted? It is called vacation after all...

Monday's ramblings...

TBW is at the dentist right now getting her tooth fixed. She is like me - I'd rather go to any other kind of doctor, other than the dentist. There is something about that big tray of tools that don't look to friendly. That along with the prodding and poking - not fun. I've always hated going. My childhood dentist was a little old man and his "technician" was his wife. She looked like Wilma Flintsone with grey hair. She also doubled as the receptionist. When I moved to "the bubble" I had to have all my filings re-done. Had all 10 done at once. That was a treat. Oh well - I hope TBW is faring okay.

It is warm here in the bubble today. I saw two convertibles with their tops down on the way home from work. That might be pushing it a little - but I am ready for another freeze, so the mud in the yard and flower beds freeze and the paw prints are cut back a little. I think Elliott is well on his way to China in the front bed. I am sure the neighbors love the Griswalds on the corner. Tonight the Bucks play for the championship. Sure hope we do better than we did last year. Go Bucks! TBW will be rooting for LSU - she is mot much of a bubble participant.

My Mom is having trouble breathing today. I wish I could go over and get her her dinner and take care of her for a bit. That is the hard part of living so far away. I am sure my sister will stop over - but she has three kids and husband to take care of herself - and she loves the Bucks too - so she won't be able to stay for long.

We had a great weekend. They just go by so quickly. We had a great dinner with friends on Friday night at one of my favorite hometown places. We were loud and laughing - just like I like it. One girl I hadn't seen since high school, she looks exactly the same. D2 did a great job babysitting - even got paid. Saturday was basketball game after basketball game. All lost - but they all played well. Sunday was the most wonderful day - we didn't get out of our "jammies" all day. We took down the tree and watched football and the last Harry P movie. Love, love, love those days.

3 days to Denver...

Time to change...

Last night, after picking up D2 from basketball practice we were pulling into the driveway, I reminded her that she was babysitting tonight while TBW and I went to dinner. We are meeting friends and she is in charge of all the little kids. She asked what time we would be leaving and I told her we had to stop at her Dad's office to pick up D3. She said, "She is coming!!?" To which I said, "Yes, it is Friday night, we always have her on Friday night." She said some kind of 13 year old comment, which I couldn't really decipher and slammed the car door and stomped inside, up to her room. TBW was inside tending to the fire and asked what was the matter, and I said I honestly didn't know.

As I sat working on the puzzle after dinner. TBW was outside talking to the neighbor who is going through some personal problems, D2 was in her room doing her homework, and I got to thinking about how times have changed since I was a kid. If I had ever acted the way D2 did when she got out of the car, I wouldn't be going to basketball the next day. Which got me to thinking about our evening rituals growing up as a kid. Our kitchen was small, the table was attached to the wall, and we had four "mod" chairs - they were hard plastic, funky in design and orange and white. The kitchen sink was in the corner of the room with double windows above it. My Mom could see my Dad pull up and she would always make him a bourbon and seven, ready to hand him as he walked in. He would put his car keys, change and wallet on "the tray" as we called it. It always sat on the counter, near the fridge, with various tid bits in it (mostly coins, nails, etc). My friends were always amazed that it sat out in the open and no one touched it. I remember on Saturday mornings, his wallet would not be able to fold over because of his poker winnings from the night before. But I digress... After he had his drink, we would sit down to dinner. My plate was "special". It was a blue plastic plate with Cinderalla's castle on it from Disneyland. We never went there, so I don't know where it came from, but I used it each night. After dinner, my Dad would do the dishes (no dishwasher) and I would take my bath and finish my homework. I loved sitting at my desk to get things done. My sister on the other hand - never sat at a desk - I don't even remember where she did her homework. When it was warm outside, and it wasn't dark, we always played outside as long as we could. No scheduled play dates. Whomever showed up played whatever game we felt like playing. We just rode our bikes until we found someone outside. We knew when it grew dark, it was time to go home.

TBW's childhood was similar to mine in some regards. Her Dad was 53 when she was born. Her Mom stayed at home, they had one car for the family. She walked home from school each day for lunch, and her Dad came home too. They had their "dinner" at lunch and their supper was a lighter meal in the evening. Her Dad had a beer before dinner and a shot of brandy before bed. She also played outside until it was dark.

So, many years later, with attitude abundant from D2, we slip into our nightly routine. Our nights are usually filled with driving someone somewhere at a set time. We have so many "scheduled" events there is little time for spontanious activities. It isn't bad - just different. I wonder what it will be like for our kids children. It will be fun to see.

As I was taking TBW to work this morning, she said, "I just want to be able to breath (the cold), a tooth (she lost the filling), my arm (gets the cast off next Tues) and my car (hopefully getting fixed today) and to sit on the couch with you and just veg." Sometimes we just get so busy we just need some down time. Time to be together. Our parents made that time every day before dinner. Kids didn't interrupt (a. it was boring, b. we had better things to do) and we respected their schedule. I think it is time for change... But I fear I am too late.

Back to it...

TBW's car is going to be towed tomorrow and hopefully get fixed. Our friend David, who takes care of the boys during the day, has been keeping them overnight, so that it is one less thing for us to worry about in the morning. They just came over for a visit. Elanor was so excited to see them. They play fight non-stop forever - I wish I had their energy.

We are getting back into the routine of things after the holidays. All girls are back in school, practices have started up again and getting up at 5:45 is once again a pain in the rear. At least tomorrow is Friday. D2 has a brand new laptop from her Dad, so my computer is free in the evenings now. Now the trouble is she can be in the internet and IM non-stop and she will seldom emerge from her room.

We are supposed to meet friends for dinner and drinks tomorrow night. They just called and said we were meeting at their house. Now I love the kids - but my idea of a night out isn't in someone's living room with all the kids coming in and out - monitoring the converstion and number of beers I have. We'll see. TBW says were staying here if that is the plan. Go TBW!!!

I love it that tomorrow is Friday. I could get used to a three day work week. Gonna have to move out of the bubble to achieve that status. Oh well, until then, let's just enjoy what we have. Here's to hopin' TBWs car can be fixed and were back to the normal boring grind next week...

ha ha...

resolutions

It is the new year and time for resolutions... TBW has a cold that has her dead on her feet - yet she trods on. We have been watching a lot of football, movies and TLC this past weekend. I am ready to buy all the stuff they are pushing - that "amazing putty" that can do anything and you get "6" tubes instead of 2. Then there is the smoking cessation magnet you can put on your ear... All amazingly guaranteed... ha.

On top of the cold, and the broken wrist, TBW lost a filling at D1's basketball game and then her car wouldn't start (after we bought a new battery). She says December sucks... She has a dental appointment on Monday and a car appointment on Saturday. Hopefully her cast comes off on Tuesday - so maybe we'll be better in January! I am sure going to Denver to see her D1 will help out a lot.

The girls have been with their Dad since Saturday evening after D1's basketball game. Our precious "alone time" has come and gone. School starts again tomorrow. Life will be as it was - our "wild times" will have to be put on hold once again... he he. TBW was telling me the other day that I am too cautious. Gone are the times of sneaking things in even though the girls are in the house. I admit it - I get too spastic. I guess I take her for granted. Although we laugh about it and she tells me the bloom is off the rose - I know it really bothers her. I need to loosen up. I really do loves me some TBW action.

So, what are my goals for 2008?

1. To not take TBW for granted and give her some sneaky lovin! Make her feel the way she is in my heart. I love her forever and need to show her each and every day!!!

2. To enjoy my kids and not worry so much about them adjusting and/or accepting things and let them be part of our family - with me being their mom.

3. Exercise. Get in shape. Exercise...

4. Do my resume... Possibly look for a new job.

5. Update my ipod (i know it sounds silly - but I have been meaning to do it two computers ago!)

6. Backup our computers

7. Just enjoy my life - getting to be with my other half, have my kids and be thankful for all that we have!

Happy New Year!!!